Changes Can Be Made
by Fawkes' Feather
Summary: Lily hates James but something happens that changes her life for the worst. James is right there with her. Rated R for rape, sexual situations, and language.
1. Default Chapter

Disclaimer: These are J.K. Rowling's characters. Anyone you do not recognize is mine. I am making no money off of this, it is purely for my own pleasure. Do not sue.

"No." Lily Evans whimpered, shrinking away from the hot groping hands of Zachariah Euan. "Please, leave me alone."

          "I have wanted you ever since I first laid eyes on you." Zachariah breathed. He cornered Lily against the wall and his hands ran lightly down her waist, fondling her curves. She flinched as he pressed his hand hard against her pelvis. Her reaction pleased him and he pressed her harder against the wall, his beady black eyes leering at her.

            "No, Zachariah. Please." She begged, tears starting to flow. He sneered at the girl's tear-stained face and tossed his light brown hair out of his eyes.

            "You have denied me too long." He picked her up and threw her on the bed. She tried to sit up, fight him off but he sat down on her chest, his knees on either side of her, pinning her arms to her sides. His weight was suffocating her. _This is not happening. No, he is not about to do what I think he's going to do._ Lily screamed silently in the recesses of her brain. Pulling out his wand, he pointed it at the door. "Colloportus." He muttered and the door swung shut. Then, with a sick grin on his face, he released his weight from her chest and as she sat up, gasping for air, he pointed his wand at her hands. With a loud bang, thin cords wrapped around her wrists and he directed the tip of his wand to the bedpost. The cords then attached themselves to the bed posts, binding Lily tightly and securely. She struggled against her bonds but it was useless. They were too strong.

            "Please. No." Lily whispered. Her heart was pounding. He had snuck up on her in the library, taken her wand and ordered her back to her dorm under pain of torture and death if she refused to comply. What she should have done, she scolded herself, was hex him right then and there but he'd already proved to her before, that he never went back on his word.

            "Shut up, Mudblood." He slapped her across the face. "Diffindo!" He pointed at her robes and with a sickening sound, they tore apart. He flicked his wand to the corner of her bedroom and the scraps of fabric flew away from the bed, landing in a heap. He stared at the swell of her breasts, only covered with a thin satin camisole and underneath that, a cotton bra. With a growl, he threw the wand down, and used his hands to rip the material from her body, bit by bit. Then, he worked his way down, pulling off her skirt, tearing the waistband and popping buttons in his haste. Finally, he peeled her underwear off, slowly, torturously, drinking in the sight of her naked body stretched before him. He sat down on her stomach, his back to her face and with his fingers, explored her. She squirmed futilely but this only seemed to please him; she could feel him hardening. With sudden, jerky movements, he flung his robes off, then his shirt and lastly, his knickers. Forcing her legs apart, he lowered his face between them, moaning at the sensation of her skin. A flash of anger shot through her body. Who was he to order her about and tie her up to take advantage of her? Who did he think he was? She kicked out, her foot made contact with his face and he gave a loud shout of mingled surprise and pain.

            "You are a dirty great bastard, Euan. Go- To- Hell!" With every word, she lashed out at him, kicking him wherever she could reach. Her last kick ended with a groan of pain and he jerked off her, clutching his crotch. His nose was bleeding and there were bruises on his chest and stomach. He put a hand to his nose and when he saw the blood that stained his fingers he turned to her, eyes ablaze with a wild madness.

            "You're going to regret that, Evans." He snarled. And for the first time she began to really fear for her life. Then the fists came, fast and furious. He hit her mercilessly and when his fist made contact with the side of her head, stars burst before her eyes and she slowly slide into a deep, dark hole. 

Lily woke, a few minutes after she was knocked out, with a small gasp. Zachariah was inside her now, pushing himself in and out, grunting occasionally. She struggled even harder, tears once again springing to her eyes from the pain he was causing her. She'd never slept with anyone before and it hurt especially. As he drove into her, again and again harder and harder, she could feel a rush of warm, sticky blood. After what seemed like forever but in reality was only a few moments, he came and went slack.

            "Awake, love? How nice to see you back in this world." He leered at her, his lips curling off his teeth.

            "Get off me." She snarled. It did nothing to suppress the smile on his face but he obliged. Pulling himself out of her, he rolled off her body. He picked up his wand and used it to summon his clothes, which he put back on. With one last wave and a jaunty smile, he swept from the room. As soon as she was sure he was gone and wouldn't come back, Lily wept, curled in a fetal position.

A/N: Ok, this is my first fiction. I don't mind reviews. Please tell me what you think. I know it's not very good but it's only a rough draft. Suggestions are HIGHLY welcomed. 


	2. chapter two

Disclaimer: These are J.K. Rowling's characters. Anyone you do not recognize is mine. I am making no money off of this; it is purely for my own pleasure. Do not sue.

"Oi, Potter, you bloody great prat, where're you going?" Sirius called to his best friend, looking up from the Charm's essay he was halfheartedly working on. "Don't tell me you're going to look for Evans. Come on, she despises you. Can't stand you in the least. What makes you think she's going to help you with your Potions homework if she can't even be anywhere near you?" He returned his eyes to the parchment, wrote something down, frowned, then crossed it out with a groan of frustration. "Stupid bloody essay. Three bleedin' feet of parchment." He muttered furiously to himself but nevertheless, he proceeded to flick through the pages of the open book lying next to the parchment.

            "I can dream, can't I?" James called back, grinning as he scooped his books, quills and parchment into his bookbag and headed out the door. "Besides, I need help and you know just as well as I do, that Lily can't pass up an opportunity to nag at me for not paying attention to the professor."

            "Not much use, dreaming, if it's never going to happen anyway." Sirius laughed, brushing his black hair out of his eyes, and then shaking his head slightly so that just the right amount fell back onto his forehead. He flipped through the book he was using and with a shout of triumph, proceeded to scribble on the parchment in big letters, trying to take up as much space as possible.

            "No hurt in trying, either." James shrugged, slung the bag on his shoulder and headed to the library just as Sirius threw his quill down and shouted,

"There! Just finished. Three fucking feet exactly." James laughed to himself. His mother was constantly telling him and Sirius that they were so bright but needed to focus their attentions on their studies not pranks. He entered the library, trying to avoid the scathing look of the librarian, who loathed him with a passion. James couldn't blame her; he'd caused so much ruckus in the library on past, memorable practical jokes that she was bound to dislike him. Besides, it seemed as if he never used her precious books but set foot in the library only to cause trouble. 

*Flashback*

"MR. POTTER! Do explain yourself!" Madame Pince, a vulture-like woman shrieked, quite beside herself.

"Sorry." James shrugged, not sorry at all. Sirius, beside him, hung his head in what looked to be a meek gesture of apology but James knew he was not really trying to show his shame but trying to avoid more questions by hiding the triumphant smile on his face.

"Setting off Dungbombs and fireworks in here! Do you have any idea, at all, of the amount of damage you have cost?! Explain yourself!" Madame Pince roared again. "And I know you are not at all sorry!"

"Look, you already know what happened. We don't really need to explain it again, do we?" James replied, an innocent smile plastered on his face.

"I shall have your heads for this! A hole in the wall. Really! The headmaster shall hear of this. Come!" And grabbing both boys firmly by the ear, she hauled them towards the Headmaster's office.

"Hey! Ouch, that hurts!" Sirius complained, struggling against the bony hands of the librarian, who seemed utterly unconcerned about the pain she was causing them, rather, her grip only tightened and her pace quickened.

*End flashback*

He glanced around but Lily was nowhere to be seen. "Wonder where she is. She practically lives in here." He murmured fondly to himself as he strolled through the aisles, among the endless stacks of books. Then, he spotted a familiar form hunched over a book at the table in the corner farthest from the door. "Oi Re-"

            "HUSH, Mr. Potter. This is the library, may I remind you!" Madame Pince hissed angrily, brandishing her wand reproachfully at him. He shrugged an apology, eyeing her wand warily. He could remember, with surprising clarity, occasions when she used it not only to clean and pick up books but to punish the students as well, mainly him and his entourage of friends.

            "Remus." He said, in a low voice, just above a whisper. The boy looked up. There were dark circles under his eyes and his face was pale. James suddenly felt a wave of pity rush over him as he beheld the thin, bony frame of his friend. It was almost time for the full moon and Remus was looking especially bad.

            "Oh, hello, James." He croaked, smiling slightly. Without further ado, he buried his nose back in his book.

            "Moony, listen, have you seen Evans?" James asked, shaking his friend's shoulder. Remus jerked his shoulder away from James, an aggravated sigh issuing from his lips. 

            "As a matter of fact, I did see her." Remus shook his head. James was forever looking for Lily, trying to impress the girl. James was one of the most admired boys in the school; he was handsome, muscular, and a star Quidditch player. What girl wouldn't want him? Of course, James loved all the attention he received. He was also notorious for his habits of sleeping with- then ditching- any pretty girl who cast herself, almost literally, at his feet. He wasn't as bad as Sirius however who seemed to have slept with all the girls in the castle. Yet the girls still loved them. James with his Quidditch abilities and charming good looks and Sirius with his stylishly long hair that always seemed to fall in his face at just the right amount and his adorable smile and twinkling eyes. But James wasn't satisfied. He only wanted the girl who hated him. It was strange. He had all the girls in the castle dying for a chance to be his girl or, at least, one night in bed and the one he sought after was the one who despised his every move, word, and action.

            "I don't see her though." James stood on his toes, craning his neck for a glimpse of the glorious hair that was always so noticable.

            "That's because she left." Remus shot back, visibly annoyed.

            "When?" James' interest was piqued. If she left not long ago, he might still be able to guess where she went and catch her along the way.

            "I don't know. About, oh- half an hour ago." Lupin replied irritably. "And I'll have you know that she left with a BOY."

          "Who?" James whipped his head around so fast, he cricked his neck. 

            "I don't know. I think he's in Ravenclaw. Our year. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to finish this book." Lupin promptly returned his gaze back to the page, making it clear that their conversation was over.

            "Always the sensible one, aren't you, Moody? Always studying, trying to get the highest marks. But you should get out into the sun more often, maybe then, you wouldn't always look so peaky." James chuckled lightly. He pushed his way through the library, once knocking over a stack of books in his haste, causing Madam Pince to scream at him, using her wand to chuck spare bits of parchment at his head.

            "Okay, okay, I'm leaving. Ouch-" she had just clonked him with an ink bottle. "I can tell when I'm not wanted." He ran out the room, his hands over his head. "I think I'll check her dormitory. She's probably in there, studying." He mused to himself. A smile appeared on his handsome features as he remembered the night when he first found out where it was located.

            *Flashback*

            "Where have you been?" Lupin asked. He, Sirius, and Peter were the only ones left in the common room. Peter was slouched over, dead asleep and snoring, on one of the plush couches adorning the common room but Remus and Sirius were both sitting in the best seats next to the fireplace.

            "Oh, you know, around." James shrugged, a silly grin lighting up his features. He had just spent the evening following Lily after dinner. She went to the library for a while, then headed through the castle where she stopped in front of a portrait, muttered a word or words he couldn't quite hear and the portrait swung open, revealing a hole through which she stepped.

            "Stalking Evans, were you?" Sirius replied archly, cutting into his thoughts, his eyes on James' rather prominent nether regions.

            "N-no." James' hands quickly covered his crotch, cursing silently at the body function he could never seem to control. "I just fancied a stroll." Pretending to stifle a loud yawn, he turned back to the portrait hole. "I'm going to bed. Night, all." He headed out again to his own Head Boy room, walking slightly bandy-legged as certain areas remained stiff. _Think of something horrid. Snivellus in a thong, a pink thong, dancing for Malfoy. _His problem solved, he was able to walk a bit more comfortably.

            *End Flashback*

            James looked up, startled to find himself at the entrance to the Gryffindor common room. Lost in thought, he wasn't paying any particular attention to where he was going and his feet had automatically carried him to the portrait hole. He shrugged and jogged in the opposite direction towards her Head Girl room. When he reached the portrait guarding the entrance to her room, he skidded to a halt, almost falling as a result. He heard someone snigger softly.

            "Password?" The portrait of a wizened old wizard sitting majestically on a tall, old-fashioned chair sniffed haughtily though it looked quite as if he was trying very hard not to smirk at the boy.

"I-don't-know." James gasped, having run from Gryffindor Tower. Suddenly his ears picked up something coming from inside. It was a soft sound. He pressed his ear to the wall. It was crying. Someone was crying inside and crying pretty loudly as the walls were very thick and any noise coming from within them would have to be very loud.

"No entrance." The wizard smirked at the disheveled head of James Potter who looked up, his hazel eyes like chips of ice, cold and glaring.

"Look, this is really important. I have to talk to Lily." James took deep breaths in an effort to calm himself down. He was becoming angry. Lily was inside, crying and Lily, from what he knew, never cried. She was tough as nails, one of the reasons he liked her so much. "This is not time to be a stickler for rules."

"No password, no entrance." The old man repeated. James gritted his teeth. "And every time is a good time for rules. They are the backbone of society and keep hooligans like you from-"

"I need to speak with Lily, open up!" James roared, interrupting the affronted portrait.

"I most certainly will not!" The wizard cried. James pulled out his wand and the old portrait gasped, "You wouldn't dare!"

"I won't unless I have to." James replied, his voice deadly calm but pointed and sharp. "Now, open up."

          A/N: Once again, I urge you all to review. Oh, and there was a problem with something and the rating was wrong. Sorry for all the confusion.


	3. chapter three

Disclaimer: Don't own anything. Don't sue. Anyone you don't recognize is mine.

"Evans, hey, Evans!" A loud, unmistakably male voice called and pounding ensued. She sat up, startled, before she realized it wasn't Zachariah. It was Potter. He was outside her door, pounding on the wall, calling for her. What did he want now? He was a big arrogant prat and she wanted to have nothing to do with him. In fact, at that point, she wanted nothing to do with the entire male gender. She was pulling the covers over her body, too tired to get up when a flash of light shone through the portrait and he burst in. She screamed and yanked the bed covers over her head, trembling. He walked to her side. "Evans? Lily, are you okay?"

"Go away." She mumbled, still hidden. She was shaking rather hard though and she could hear the bed rattling. There was a silence but a groan in the bedsprings and the feeling that something was now on her bed told her that he had taken the liberty of sitting down. "I said, Go AWAY!" She burst into angry, violated, frustrated tears.

"Whoa. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I just heard you crying and figured something was wrong. I mean, you always hide your feelings and I've never seen you cry before so I thought that something was-" his voice trailed off and he shrugged as her head popped tentatively out from its hiding place. "What happened?" He was peering concernedly at the black and blue bruises covering her cheeks. Her hands conscientiously flew to her face.

"Nothing. I- Uh, that is- I-" she stammered, trying to think of some excuse.

"Are you sure? You don't look okay. The Evans I know would be hexing me to death for daring to sneak up on her in her own bedroom. Instead, you're hiding in bed AND you can't think of anything to say." His face peered anxiously into hers and his voice sounded so concerned and he'd hit the mark so precisely that the tears started up again and his eyes widened. "No, no, oh, don't cry. I-" he stopped. And she didn't blame him for she had thrown herself at him, covered discreetly with the bedsheets, of course. "Oh, uh, I- uh, that is…" He gulped audibly. "It's going to be okay." His voice cracked and amidst her tears, she giggled feebly. He'd never sounded so nervous in all the years she'd known him. The logical, practical side of her brain screamed to get away from him, that he would use this weakness she was showing him to his advantage. Her softer, emotional side argued that he may have been a great bullying idiot but he was human. Knowing full well who was currently sitting on her bed and keeping in mind that this was the boy whom she'd absolutely despised every since she'd met him, she buried her head against his chest, holding the sheets up and he wrapped his strong, muscled arms around her. She could feel him rest his chin on the top of her head. "Hey, shhh. I'm here. It's going to be okay." His voice was so soft and so reassuring that she couldn't help but feel safe. He started stroking her soft, fiery red hair and it was her turn to be surprised. It felt so good to be safe in his arms, and he was whispering calming things to her and running his fingers through her hair. She didn't say anything, just sobbed into his chest, pouring out the fear, anger, helplessness that had plagued her since the moment Zachariah approached her in the library. After a while, she pulled away, wiping her tear-streaked cheeks.

"Oh. I got you all wet." She hiccupped, pointing at his robes. He looked down and sure enough, there was a wet spot where her head had been.

"That's ok." He mumbled an incantation and the wet spot disappeared. "There. All set." He flashed his famous 100-watt smile at her and her heart skipped a beat. "Now, will you tell me what's making Lily Evans, the strongest girl I know, to act like a human hosepipe?" His arms tightened slightly, pulling her a bit closer to him, and his voice adopted a deeper, lightly serious tone, making him sound rather like an uncle or grandfather. She leaned her head against his shoulder, too tired, it seemed, to even keep it up.

"He-he-he," her voice shook and she found it hard to go on. "he raped me." James inhaled sharply and the silence that ensued was so long that she began to get worried that he didn't believe her. She had just opened her mouth to tell him to never mind but at the same time,

"Who?" he asked, his hazel eyes were looking straight into hers and they were so alive with fury, burning so bright with anger that she was frightened. "Who would do that to you?"

"I can't tell you. James, he would kill you." Lily tore her green eyes away from his. "I can't."

"You have to, Lily. He deserves to pay. He HAS to pay. I'll make him suffer, I will." He'd turned and was staring at the wall opposite from her bed.

"Zachariah," She relented. "Zachariah Euan."

"Why?" For a moment, Lily stared at James' profile in disbelief. The question was so absurd. Why did Zachariah Euan rape her?

"I went to Hogsmeade with him." James turned his head sharply to look at her but as she was staring at her hands rather than his face, she could only feel his muscles jump as he moved. "Afterwards, he brought me to his dormitory and- he wanted to do- well, things with me. But I stopped him before it went too far. He stopped but he wasn't happy. And every time I went somewhere with him, he tried to go too far. But I wouldn't let him. Finally, he got sick of me and ditched me for that Chantale Something or other. You know, the blonde? But today, today, I dunno." Lily's voice trailed away and she shrugged. James was the one shaking now. But one look at his handsome face and she knew that it was his overwhelming anger at the boy who had caused her so much pain. Her heart welled up. Gone was the arrogant prat that she had come to despise over the course of the years. In its place was a strong, caring young man who was sincerely concerned for her and her well-being.

"He's going to pay." James stated to no one in particular.

"NO. Please. You can't." Lily gripped his shirt, sheer terror in her eyes.

"Lily-"

"No! He took away my virginity but he didn't take away my dignity. Please don't let him have that satisfaction too." Lily begged.

"I played Quidditch with him. I covered for him when he was caught wandering the corridors with his girlfriend. I was his FRIEND." James spat, looking utterly disgusted. "I can't believe it. What a bloody bastard."

"James, you can't do anything to him. He would kill you." Her face was taut with urgency. She knew James was proud. Hell, that was why she hated him so much before but this was important. She only hoped she could convey the fact that Zachariah was dangerous.

"Me? How could he kill me? I am faster, stronger, and more skilled with a wand than he is. Not to mention, I can hex the brains out of that bogey-headed prat." James sniffed, a touch of his old arrogance tingeing his voice. She stifled a groan.

"Don't underestimate him. He is stronger than he looks. You can't do or say anything. I know he won't." Lily's hands were clutching one of his arms so tight that it hurt. Her sharp eyes bore into James'. "I don't need everyone knowing that I was violated. I don't need the stares, the whispers behind the hands, or the soft giggles. I don't need the disapprovement or the she-deserves-it. Please."

"Ok." James sighed heavily, shaking his head.

"Promise me."

"I promise on my honor. I will not do or say anything to him." James smiled but it looked forced. "Scout's honor." Lily relaxed again, her hold on his arm loosened and she once again snuggled closer to him. He wrapped his arms around her once more and humming softly, he rocked her gently until she drifted off to sleep.

Once she was asleep, he lay her gently back down but in doing so, the sheet separating her body from his fell down slightly and uncovered the bare flesh of her breast. It was only then that he fully realized that she had been naked except for that very thin bedsheet. All at once, the blood rushed to his groin and there was a very uncomfortable throbbing in his trousers.

"Not now,dammit. Horny bastard." He groaned inwardly. Quickly, he pulled the sheet over her and gathered up the thicker, warmer ones that were bunched up at the foot of the bed. _Think of something. Malfoy coming on to Snivellus. Oh God, now I want to vomit._ He laid them neatly on top of her and in her sleep she sighed and curled into a fetal position, breathing deeply. He watched her for a minute or so, drinking in the sight of her. She was so beautiful. Her long thick eyelashes rested gently on milky white skin and her fiery hair contrasted with the paleness of her cheeks. Her lush, full lips were curled into a small smile and she looked so angelic, James couldn't help but smile to himself. His eyes wandered lazily over her face and once more, he caught sight of the bruises lining her cheeks and lips. He looked down her arm and was shocked that there were bruises up and down her arms and a thick, deep blue-green bruise encircling her wrist. That showed him exactly how Zachariah had raped her, avoiding the fury of her wand. He was disgusted that anyone would do such a thing on someone so innocent. He loved that she was so independent, that she could think for herself, and that she had an attitude. He also loved that she was the only girl in the castle who never so much as looked at him, except when she was angry at him, of course. When she was angry, her red hair seemed to crackle with electricity, giving her the look that her head was on fire. He sat down at her bedside. Slowly, gently, he ran his fingers over the side of her face and down her neck, moving his hand into her hair which he stroked lovingly. He couldn't get enough of the softness of her skin, the silkiness of her hair. Eventually, he fell asleep, one of his hands entangled in her hair and the other cushioning his head, a smile on his face.

A/N: I live for reviews. Suggestions of any kind, critique are welcomed. 


	4. chapter four

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. It is all J.K. Rowling's. Do not sue.

When Lily awoke, the first thing she noticed was the slight weight in her hair. As her eyes opened, she came face to face with a sleeping James. Her first reaction was to reach for her wand and jinx his brains out but remembering what he had done for her the night before, she stopped herself. As she watched him, his eyes fluttered open and he sat up, ruffling his hair.

"Good morning, Evans." James' deep tenor voice vibrated in her chest and her heart fluttered. "I hope I didn't scare you. You just fell asleep and I didn't want to leave you alone in case he tried something else." James yawned and stretched, arching his back which cracked audibly.

"Thank you." Lily propped herself up on her elbows and made to sit up.

"Wait. Hold on, you can't sit up, not yet." James flung out an arm and pushed her back down. "Remember, you don't have any clothes on and I don't think you'd like it too much if I saw- you know." Lily was touched. Considering how long James had been trying to catch her attentions, he was really being thoughtful about her feelings. And he was right; she wouldn't have liked it if he saw her in only her birthday suit.

"Ok, I'm standing up now. Close your eyes. No peeking. If I catch you, James Potter, I won't be afraid to turn you into a toad." She flung back the bedclothes once she'd made sure he couldn't see a thing. As she stood, she peeked at him just in case and he'd actually turned his back on her. She hurried to her closet, grabbed a fresh suit and closed the door to the bathroom, where she threw on a skirt, shirt and her robes, almost falling over herself in her haste.

"Hey Evans, you'd better hurry up. We're already late to breakfast." James called. Almost frantically, she got herself ready and stepped out. James stared at her a moment before coming to his senses.

"Um, I'm going to head on down so we don't arrive at the same time, ok? Besides, it'll give you some time to get your things together." He picked up his bookbag, turned and disappeared. She threw her books into her bag, snatched up her wand and raced down the corridor after him.

In the hallway before she stepped into the Great Hall, she slowed down and forced herself to breathe deeply so as to appear calm, cool, and collected. With a look of supreme indifference, she walked to the nearest available seat and sat down regally where the Marauders were deep in conversation.

"Where were you last night? You said you were going to look for Lily to ask her to help you with your homework and never came back." Sirius demanded.

"Oh, well, I- uh, that is to say, I-" James stammered, glancing around desperately as if looking for an answer in the dishes laden with food.

"Were you WITH someone last night? And you happened to fall asleep with them?" Remus said pointedly, his dark brown eyes twinkled with amusement.

"NO! Well, I WAS with someone but we, um, didn't DO anything, if you know what I mean." James gulped nervously.

"I don't believe I do." Sirius smiled sweetly at his friend, not noticing the loving sighs coming from a small group of fifth year girls sitting a little to his left. Girls tended to do that when he grinned.

"We didn't shag, that's what I mean."

"With whom did you not shag, then? Who was so unattractive that you wouldn't even think of doing anything with?" Remus jumped in again. James squirmed uncomfortably in his seat.

"Well, well, well. Look who's joined us." Sirius had just noticed Lily and his attentions were immediately diverted. With a small, inaudible sight of relief, James helped himself to the food set before him and promptly stuffed his face full.

"Shut up." She glared at him from across the table as she helped herself to a bit of porridge, bacon and some eggs. On her right, James was tucking avidly into a plate of eggs, fried tomatoes, and sausages.

"Oh, Evans. You hate us with a burning passion. Just admit it already. So why don't you go sit with your other little friends and hate us from a distance?" Sirius' voice was practically dripping with honey and his smile was more of a smirk.

"Back off, Sirius." James warned, trying to look and sound as stern as Professor McGonagall but as his mouth was full of sausage and egg, it didn't have quite the effect he'd hoped. His friends gaped at him. "You don't want to be on the receiving end of her wand, believe me." He lowered his voice conspiratorially, swallowing with great effort, and his friends leaned in. "Besides, she's on her you-know-what. And we all know how that makes all girls a bit testy." He winked at them and grinned at her. Then, to everyone's surprise but James, she smiled back, just a little one but one nonetheless.

"Whoa. I know the painters make all girls a bit mad but Lily's gone a little funny in the head. I mean, smile at James?" Sirius raised his eyebrows, looking quite bemused.

"What'd you do, James? Because whatever it is, I'm sure it's bound to cause your expulsion. You didn't hex her or jinx her or anything right? Maybe cast the Imperius Curse on her? Because it's forbidden, you know." Remus' expression of seriousness belied the amusement in his voice.

"You prats, no, I didn't do anything. Maybe it's really the painters. They've made her a little crazy, don't you think?" James laughed, joining in on the joke.

"I have not gone funny in the head!" Lily snapped, elbowing James in the ribs and pulling out her wand with the other. "And what's this, about the painters and decorators in? They are not, if you care to know and you're all bloody stupid if you think Potter here would know whether they were or not."

"You still hate us, don't you?" Sirius asked.

"I hate the lot of you but Remus." Lily replied snobbily. "And Remus, nothing personal, but you really don't do anything to control those braggarts which makes you the most irresponsible prefect I have ever met."

"Why thank you, I shall strive to achieve a higher level of irresponsibility of which you speak so highly of." Remus nodded his head contritely causing the stifled giggles of his friends to grow even louder.

"Plus, I can't even BEGIN to imagine why Dumbledore even toyed with the idea, much less acted upon it, of making you Head Boy, Potter. You are an egotistical prat who really would get better grades if he only applied himself to his studies rather than bullying people." Lily rounded on James, keeping up the pretense that she still hated James. She'd only meant it as a joke but was shocked to see his face go rather stony as soon as the words were out of her mouth.

"Well, thank you for your kind words, Miss Evans. I'll remember that the next time I do patrols with you or skive off my classes to have a little fun. Of course, even with that thought in mind, I'm just a great bullying toerag, right? You know what? I just remembered that I left my books in my dormitory. If you'll excuse me, I'll be going to fetch it." James' face was unexpressive and his voice was flat but his eyes looked wounded. Without another word, he shoved his chair back, slung his bag on his shoulder, rose, and strode from the Hall. Lily stared after him as did his friends.

"What's the matter with him?" Peter squeaked, "He's never gotten that upset over something you've said before."

"No, no he hasn't and I think I know why." Lily mumbled to herself.

"What's that?" Sirius asked sharply, rounding on her. "What did you just say?"

"I didn't say anything." Lily answered defensively though her face was turning red. "I didn't say anything."

"He's never gotten so obviously upset before. What's going on between you guys? First you sit down next to him and then he tells US to leave you alone and then you smile back at him. Has everyone gone mad or is it just me?" Sirius glared at her and she returned his look back at him.

"No one's gone mad, Sirius." She stood and swept from the room.

"Then what's going on?" Remus muttered as Sirius gawped at her retreating figure.

"Did she just call me Sirius?" He spluttered, returning to his breakfast.

"I do believe she did, mate." Remus clapped him hard on the shoulder. "She must be getting really fond of you." Sirius just stared about him with a dazed, somewhat bemused expression.

A/N: Alrighty then, tell me what you think. Oh, and to those who have already reviewed, thank you! I was in a horrible mood and then I read your reviews and they just made my day. Thanks, again.


	5. chapter five

            Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. I am only manipulating them for the sake of my pleasure.

James stormed from the Great Hall. He knew she despised him and really, he couldn't blame her. He had, after all, spent 6 years of his Hogwarts career purposely torturing Snivellus and anyone who wasn't a part of the Marauders just for fun. He knew he could be mean, only and especially if he didn't like the person he was being awful to.

"Anyway, I have changed. She could at least give me SOME credit. Dumbledore didn't make me Head Boy for nothing." He muttered angrily to himself, not realizing he was talking aloud. "So I do like jinxing the Slytherins, especially Snivellus but he's a great big prat. AND he calls her a Mudblood. AND it's not like she's particularly fond of him, either. She doesn't jinx him but she does ignore him and I've heard what she's giggled to her friends about him. So why does she defend him so much? He's not a bloody saint- up to his ears in the Dark Arts. I tell you, she has all her-"

"Excuse me?" A giggling voice interrupted him. "You're talking to yourself." More giggles ensued. Snapped from his reverie, he looked around and there was a small group of first-year girls huddled together, watching him with a mixture of awe and laughter in their expressions.

"What are you lookin' at!" He growled, still in a towering temper and now a bit embarrassed that he'd been caught talking to himself. "Clear off you lot!" He waved his arms angrily at them and his face was so furious and his demeanor so threatening, that one of the girls burst into hysterics and the girls hurried her away, throwing reproachful yet reverent looks over their shoulders. Now feeling guilty that he'd frightened a first year on top of feeling completely wretched and confused, he stalked up a few flights of stairs, stopping at a portrait of a very pretty blonde witch, wearing a burgundy Renaissance style dress made of a floaty sort of material with a matching hat, who was gathering flowers in a green meadow with gorgeous blue skies. When she saw him coming, she dropped the basket and waved, flashing a perfect smile.

"Hello James. Password?" She batted her eyes flirtatiously at him, her voice breathless and girly.

"Dungbombs." He winked as the portrait swung open and she blushed, lowering her head but looking at him through her lashes. "So Gabrielle, who're the flowers for?"

"Oh, they're for Sir Cadogan. His portrait's up near the North Tower, you know. I just thought he might want some to brighten up his portrait. And I love his little pony, Nigel." She blushed even deeper as she spoke.

"Ahh. Well, good luck then." He made to walk through.

"Good luck?" Her voice was puzzled and he faced her once more. "Why would I need good luck?"

"Well, he's a bit mad, isn't he? I just figured that he might try and stick you through with that sword of his."

"He knows not to wave it at me. I've visited him before." Gabrielle's sky blue eyes looked out at James innocently.

"You've visited him before. That's different, then." James raised his eyebrows at the portrait. "So I take it you're friends? Or perhaps, a bit more than friends?" But the witch just looked back at him with no change in expression though her cheeks flushed a deeper shade of red so that they now the color of her dress. James shrugged, seeing that he wasn't going to get an answer (although, judging by her reaction to his statement, he knew he had guessed right) and walked through the door. He was gathering his books and papers that were scattered all over the floor and stacked messily on his desk when Gabrielle's clear, chirpy giggle and a deep, male voice could be heard.

"Oi, Prongs. Let me in, will you?" Sirius called.

"Oh, bugger off." James mumbled but straightened and opened the door and Sirius clambered in.

"What's going on between you and Miss Holier-Than-Thou? And don't try and deny it because I haven't been your best mate since who knows how long for nothing." For James had just opened his mouth to say that nothing was going on between him and Lily.

"I can't tell you anything. I don't want to talk about it." James snapped as he got down on his hands and knees to peer under the bed. "There you are! What are you doing under there, sweetie? It's ok, it's just Sirius." He sat up and a beautiful ginger cat jumped into his lap, purring loudly and rubbing her slim body against James' robes, just begging to be scratched behind the ears.

"Hello there, Guinevere." Sirius stretched out a hand to pat the tabby's head but she arched her back, swatting at his hand with outstretched claws, hissing threateningly. Sirius pulled his hand back with a string of curses as the cat's nails dug into the soft flesh of his arm.

"She still hasn't forgiven you for inadvertently dumping water on her when you thought it was me."

"How was I supposed to know it was her? All I remember is the door opened and I just poured the water. I didn't even see her and I apologized afterward." Sirius shrugged, nursing the deep scratches now peppering his right arm. He scowled at the cat as he observed the sleeves of his robes, newly shredded. "AND these are brand-new robes, dammit. Stupid cat."

"She knows how to hold a grudge and she knows when you insult her so quit while you're ahead." James stroked the cat, looking around the messy room thoughtfully, then stood, causing Guinevere to drop to the floor. She yowled indignantly and flashed under the bed. He gathered up the rest of his things and together, he and Sirius walked to their first class of the day.

Lily slammed her bookbag on the desk as she flounced unceremoniously into her seat. She reached into her bag and took out blank parchment, her favorite eagle-feather quill, and a bottle of ink for note-taking. Throwing it on the floor beside the chair, she laid the quill beside the parchment and the ink was placed in a convenient spot. As fellow students poured in, chattering happily with each other, Lily glowered. She was feeling particularly miserable and this feeling only heightened when he and Sirius walked in together, talking quietly, none of the usual raucous peals of laughter accompanying their conversations. She caught his eye but he simply looked away, no emotions evident on his face. Her black mood darkened further. She knew it was her fault that he was upset and she knew that deep down inside, she was angry with herself as well but she couldn't help blaming him too. She reasoned that everything she'd said was true and that he needn't get so defensive because he was irresponsible. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice a tall, thin boy sit down in the seat beside hers.

"Hello Mudblood, happy to see me?" A vicious voice hissed in her ear and her blood ran cold.

"Leave me alone." She whispered, clenching her fists in her lap. "You got what you wanted. Please, just go away." She edged slightly away from him, wishing she was free to take up her wand and use every curse, jinx, and hex she knew to wreak havoc upon his smug face.

"Miss Evans, kindly pass up your homework. Or perhaps you don't have it?" Professor McGonagall's voice pierced through her thoughts of revenge and there were twitters from the class. Lily waved her wand and the essay flew into the air, landing on the stack of parchment in the professor's hands. "Thank you. Now, if you will all turn to page 271-" And for the rest of the class, the silence was punctured only by the occasional yawn, the sound of pages turning and quills scratching. For the rest of the period, Lily endured a hand, tracing lines up and down her thigh.

A/N: THERE, FINALLY! I tell you, this chapter just would not write itself. I know it's a lot of fluff but it's going to boil over in future chapters. No inspiration whatsoever. I'm not very happy with it but there you have it. I wish I could update sooner rather than later but the way things have been going, I can't promise anything. Reviews welcomed! Constructive criticism absolutely, without a doubt appreciated. Sorry it took so long for me to update chapter four… I thought I had added it already but apparently I didn't. As a result, I am posting four and five at the same time. Read, write, and be merry.

P.S. James' cat, Guinevere, is named after King Arthur's wife.


	6. chapter six

            Disclaimer: You know. I know. These characters are not mine.

            "Prongs? Hello, Prongs. Wake up." Sirius waved a hand in front of his friend's face, who was apparently staring at something, or someone, far more interesting than the topic at hand. He was sitting with his elbow propped up on one of the desks in the common room and his chin was resting on his hand.

            "What do you want?" James didn't even bother turning his head.

            "Well, we want to know-" Sirius stopped for James once again had turned glassy-eyed and he had clearly not heard a word that had just been said. Grumbling quietly, Sirius followed James' gaze. Lo and behold, he caught sight of the familiar red hair of Lily Evans. "No wonder. Of course you're not listening to me, your best mate. No, instead you're staring at the face of a girl who will never like you and who, as of currently, hates with such intensity, it could rival the sun's."

            "Now Padfoot, don't get your knickers all in a bunch. Prongs has always been like this, you know that. We should be used to it by now." Remus sighed, scratching out a word on the foot-long parchment he was using. James shook his head. He was used to their ribbing and teasing of his infatuation with Lily Evans, the girl who was favored by the teachers, who had never broken a rule in all the years she'd attended Hogwarts and she had never, according to the rumors, so much as kissed a boy. His friends thought he should be spending his time chasing after the more attainable girls who did fancy him and who were quite good looking as it was. He stood abruptly, pushing his chair over.

            "I'll be going to bed." He grunted and stooped to snatch up his bag and straighten the chair. Without another word, he strode from the common room, the eyes of everyone in it on him for he had never gone to bed early before. The Marauders watched Lily but she didn't even seem to notice that he'd gone, probably, they thought, didn't even know that he'd been there since dinner.

            As James walked listlessly towards his room, memories flowed through his head. Memories of when he'd first met Sirius, Remus, and Lily Evans, the first words ever spoken by her towards him, and the reason she so hated him, now filled his brain.

            *Flashback*

            Sirius and James were roaring with laughter. They had, with the help of their first year spellbook, just levitated a fleet of spiders, worms, and beetles through the door of a compartment filled with first year girls. Upon hearing the shrieks emanating so loudly from the compartment, they stole back to their own compartment and collapsed onto the seats, facing each other, tears of mirth streaming down their faces, practically gasping for breath from laughing so hard. They met on the platform. James was getting instructions from his parents how to get through the barrier that separated the wizards from the Muggles when a boy, about his height, knocked past him, pushing a trunk and yelling joyously,

            "Oi, bet you can't do this better than me!" 

"Oh, yes I can!" James laughed and raced after the boy, not to be outdone. On the other side of the barrier, they bumped into each other again as they were loading their trunks on board.

"Watch where you're going, you oaf." The boy had said contemptuously when James trod on his foot.

"Sorry." He shrugged. "Didn't see you there. And I'm not an oaf."

"You didn't see me and stepped on my foot. Of course you're an oaf."

"I am not!" James whipped out his wand, proud to finally have his own. As a child, he loved stealing his mother's or father's wands and using them for whatever a little boy of five would want. The other boy did the same as well, clearly just as proud as James.

"Oh yeah? Prove it." They glared at each other, neither of them backing down when the train lurched unexpectedly and they both toppled over, practically on top of each other in the small corridor. They looked up in surprise, met the eyes of the other, and laughed sheepishly. Standing, they found it a little harder to balance on a moving train and would have fallen if they hadn't had grabbed the other's shoulder. Finally, they managed to become used to the swaying and pitching of the train and found an empty compartment to share.

"I'm James Potter. What's your name?" James held out his hand, which the other boy took.

"Sirius Black. Say, what House d'you think you'll get?"

"Me? Gryffindor, of course. If the Sorting Hat tries to put me in Slytherin, I'm not going to stay."

"Yeah, I want Gryffindor, too. But my family's been in Slytherin for as long as they've been around. So I'll probably get Slytherin, like them." Sirius shrugged, not looking very happy about upholding the family traditions.

"Well, I guess we'll know when we get there." James pulled out his spellbooks, a mischievous twinkle dancing in his eyes. "How 'bout we use some of these here spellbooks and use them for playing tricks on some girls. I saw a group of them in the compartment on our way here. Twittering and nattering about their hair or how they're going to marry one of us blokes one day and how it'll be the best day of their lives." He rolled his eyes in disgust. "Like we would want to marry one of THEM someday." Sirius laughed.

"Let's get a crack on then." He rubbed his hands together, anticipation written all over his face, the same mischievous look in his eyes. He moved next to his new friend and together, they found, practiced, and perfected the wand movements and incantations for the levitating spell. Sure that they would be successful, they gathered insects in a jar, which all girls hated, of course, and when the jar was full, they snuck to the door, which was mercifully open. Hurriedly, they opened the jar and whispering the spell and with a swish and flick of their wrists, they watched with delight as the bugs flew through the door.

"That was brilliant. Bloody brilliant." Sirius gasped, clutching his stomach.

"That it was, mate, that it was." James nodded fervently, also laughing uproariously.

"I don't think it was." A clear, high pitched voice suddenly said. Both boys stopped laughing, almost at once and in unison, turned to face a girl with skin so pale you could almost see her veins, bright red hair that hung over her shoulders and down her back and green eyes that were turned dark with disapproval. "That was a nasty trick." She peered at the boys, standing in the doorway, her arms crossed threateningly. Almost at once, the two knew that she was one of those do-gooders who never got in trouble. She had already changed into her robes, her hair was neatly brushed and held out of her face with a clip, and she had a bossy, self-righteous air about her. James and Sirius raised their eyebrows at each other.

"And who do YOU think you are?" James retorted.

"I'm Lily Evans." She replied with such a tone of superiority that it made James want to take her down a peg or two. He stepped back on the pretense of losing his balance slightly and kicked Sirius.

"Ouch!" Sirius yelped.

"Distract her." James hissed quietly and there was a little cough that told him that Sirius had heard.

"Who cares if you're Lily Evans." The boy sniffed, his haughty tone matching Lily's. "I'M Sirius Black. Have you heard of the Blacks? We're a very influential wizarding family, you know." Lily rolled her eyes.

"I wouldn't know you if you were the most famous wizard in the world."

"Why is that? Even if your parents were the poorest wizards, you would know who we are."

"My parent's aren't wizards."

"You mean, you're a MUGGLE?!" Sirius widened his eyes.

"If that's what you call non-magic folk like my parents." Lily raised her eyebrows at his rather obvious surprise. Meanwhile, James had pulled a small glass jar from his trunk. He opened the lid and using the levitation spell they'd used earlier, he levitated it right over Lily Evan's head and dropped it into her mass of hair. Feeling something, she looked around in surprise and James hastily whipped the jar and wand behind his back, watching the girl with a fake innocence so practiced, it could have fooled even the most suspicious of people. Sirius noticed the big, hairy spider now on top of Lily's head and burst out laughing but at a swift kick from James, he smothered it and almost choked. Lily looked at them, confused and opened her mouth to ask them something when a leg swung down into her point of view and the spider crawled down her face. She screamed and began trying desperately to get the arachnid off her face. The boys burst out laughing again at the sight of a prim and proper girl dancing about, waving her hands and shrieking loud enough to break glass. After a few moments, however, she managed to fling the spider from her face; it landed on one of the seats and scuttled for cover when James caught it with the jar it had originally been in.

"That was a mean, horrible, nasty thing to do!" She glared at them, her face red with both fury and embarrassment, looking almost in tears. "You're stupid, horrid boys and-"

"Ahh, but see, you wouldn't have met us stupid, horrid boys if you hadn't decided to come in and lord over us as if YOU have the authority to when really, you DON'T." James sounded slightly constricted as he was struggled to reign in his laughter but his efforts were futile. As soon as he'd said the words, he and Sirius both howled with laughter again, Sirius actually rolling on the floor and James was doubled over.

"You don't have to be so horrible about it!" She stamped her foot, steam practically coming from her ears, burst into furious tears and fled. 

"Well, mate, that's got her out of our hair." They sat down, tired from all that laughing, and recounted their past adventures, each trying to outdo the other, coming up with more and more extravagant tricks and jokes they had supposedly played on people though the tricks would have been impossible to actually carry out without wands. They changed into their robes when a voice echoed through the train, telling them they would be arriving at Hogwarts soon.

As the train slowed to a stop, they joined the throng of people hurrying from the train.

"Firs' years over here, please!" Came a voice from right above James. He looked up into the twinkling black eyes of a very tall, very broad man, who towered head and shoulders, carrying a lamp. "Follow me, then! I'm Rubeus Hagrid, by the way. Call me Hagrid." He led them down a steep, narrow path which stopped suddenly at the edge of a dark lake where a group of boats floated in the water.

"Four to a boat, there! No more'n four!" Hagrid called and James and Sirius clambered into one, followed by two boys, one who was scrawny and pale, and the other was short and chubby. After everyone had climbed into a boat, Hagrid in one all to himself and he shouted, "Forward!" All at once, the boats glided across the black lake, towards the castle, which loomed ahead. When they reached an underground harbor, they followed Hagrid up a passageway and stopped at the great oak door. He raised a fist and knocked three times.

"Thank you, Hagrid." A stern witch nodded and the first years followed her inside to the entrance hall. "I am Professor McGonagall, deputy headmistress of Hogwarts and Head of Gryffindor House. Now, before you take your seats, you will have to be sorted into your houses. The four houses are Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin.While you are here, your house will be something like a family. Rule-breaking of any sorts will result in a deduction of points, while your triumphs earn your house points. Whichever house has earned the most points at the end of the year will be rewarded with the house cup which is a great honor. I hope you do not turn out to be detriments to whatever house becomes yours. I will come back for you when the Ceremony is to start. Please wait here."

"How d'you think they'll sort us?" James whispered to Sirius, who shrugged.

"I dunno. My older brother never said." James gulped. He didn't know how to do any magic, except the levitating spell, which he didn't think would be a good idea to levitate a whole bunch of insects in the air and deposit them on the school's heads. So, if he didn't know how to do any spells at all, how was he supposed to be sorted?

"Come along, the Sorting Ceremony's about to start." Her voice interrupted James' thoughts and he, with a nervous glance at Sirius, followed her, and the rest of the first years, through a pair of doors and into the Great Hall. It was indeed Great, James thought. It was everything he'd ever dreamed of and more. Four long tables, where the students were sitting, were laid with golden goblets and plates. Hundreds of thousands of candles were floating above the tables and in noticing them, James also saw the black ceiling was dotted with stars; he could even make out various constellations. Suddenly, he bumped into a blonde boy in front of him, not realizing that the rest of the students had stopped.

"Watch it!" The boy turned and shot him a dirty look. James thought he looked rather like a weasel, though he said nothing. Instead, he watched with bated breath as Professor McGonagall placed a stool in front of the first years and perched a tattered, old wizard's hat on top.

"What are we supposed to do with that?" The blonde boy wrinkled his nose with contempt. Then, he stopped when the hat began to sing.

"I'm Remus Lupin, who're you?" A small voice whispered in his ear. James turned slightly. It was the pale, peaky boy who'd rode in the boat with them on the way to the castle.

"I'm James. James Potter. Nice to meet you."

"Same here. I do hope I'm in Gryffindor. Can you imagine being in any other house? Though, I do suppose Ravenclaw's not so bad and Hufflepuff's not bad either but I heard they're a load of duffers. But Slytherin! Ugh, I heard Slytherin's the worst house. Everyone in Slytherin always ends up a Dark wizard." He shuddered.

"I bet I'm in Slytherin." Sirius said, gloomily. "My whole family's been."

"Oh, don't say that. I bet you'll be in-" but James never found out which house Remus Lupin thought Sirius would be put in as at that precise moment, the hat stopped singing and the school applauded loudly. Professor McGonagall stepped forward with a scroll of parchment.

"When I call your name, put on the hat and sit on the stool." She lowered her eyes to the parchment and began reading names off it but James was too nervous to listen. "Black, Sirius!" She called and turning paper-white, Sirius walked forward. He picked up the hat and set it on his head. It fell over his eyes. After two minutes-

"GRYFFINDOR!" Looking immensely relieved, Sirius shakily stood and walked quickly to the table at the far left. After some time,

"Evans, Lily!" The redheaded girl walked gracefully to the stool.

"GRYFFINDOR!" James groaned. He didn't want her in the same house as him to boss him and his friends around whenever she pleased.

"Lupin, Remus." And Lupin walked up to the stool. 

"GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted and Remus hurried off and sat next to Sirius at the table. 

"Malfoy, Lucius!" And the weasel-looking boy, with his nose up, stuck the hat on his blonde head. It had barely been there for two seconds when,

"SLYTHERIN!" James snickered. Malfoy had looked like Slytherin material. At last, after the short stubby boy who'd also journeyed on the boat ride with them had gone (he was sorted into Gryffindor), James' name was called.

"Potter, James." Swallowing nervously, he walked toward the stool and placed the hat on his head.

"Ahh. James Potter. You're a difficult one to place. You're brave, I can see that. Very talented too. Hmm, smart, witty. And cunning, oh my-"

"Not Slytherin, please. No thank you." James whispered. "Not Slytherin, anything but that!"

"Well, ok, if you insist. GRYFFINDOR!" The hat shouted and James stood, grinning happily and hurried to the empty seat across from his two friends. Peter Pettigrew, the other boy, was sitting next to Lupin. After the last person was sorted into their house, Dumbledore stood, clearing his throat. Immediately, the whole school ceased their happy chattering.

"Welcome, first years! Welcome. For all you newcomers, I must have you know that the Forbidden Forest is STRICTLY off limits. Now, I'm sure you must be hungry, so eat up!" And the golden tureens were suddenly filled with roasted chicken, potatoes, every and any food you could possibly want. James helped himself to whatever was in reach and began eating enthusiastically. Pretty soon, the Great Hall was filled with the clattering of knives and forks and the buzz of thousands of students talking at once. 

"See, you aren't in Slytherin after all." Lupin elbowed Sirius in the ribs. "All that worrying for nothing at all."

"Shut it." Sirius muttered, his mouth full of lamp chop. When they had eaten their fill of food and dessert, they were led to the Gryffindor common room by a fifth year prefect.

"Password?" A rather fat lady in a pink dress asked.

"Adaptertus Papaver." The prefect said in a loud, clear voice. The portrait swung forward, revealing an opening in the wall. He walked through and the students followed him. "This is the common room. Girls are in those dormitories," he pointed to the right, "and boys are in those. Did everyone hear the password?" A sea of blank faces looked back at him. He sighed. "Adaptertus Papaver. That is the password. Do not forget it as the Fat Lady WILL NOT allow you past without one. Your things have already been brought in so why don't you go find your trunks and get settled in?" James, in front of Lupin and Pettigrew but behind Sirius, rushed up the stairs. He found his trunk had been brought up and it was set at the foot of his bed. To his delight, Sirius and Lupin  were in the same one, as was Peter Pettigrew.

"I think I'm going to like it here." He sighed and flopped on the bed.

*End Flashback*

"JAMES! PASSWORD!" Gabrielle's piercing shout cut through his thoughts. She was facing him, an irritated expression on her face, her arms crossed tightly across her chest.

"Huh? Oh, uh, Dungbombs." The portrait opened and he walked in, kicking off his shoes and loosening his tie. Groaning, he remembered the stack of essays he'd left until the last minute and sat down at his desk. "Torca Ignis." He waved his wand and the lights in his room switched on. He was in for a long night.

A/N: Wow, this chapter is long compared to my other ones. 

Note: the password used here: Adaptertus Papaver ROUGHLY translated means: open sesame (actually, I couldn't find 'sesame' so I used the next best thing which just happened to be 'poppy seed' but, like I said, roughly translated). I used an English-Latin website to find it. Also, I've always wondered whether Lily Evans hated James since the first time she met him and as the idea just popped into my head, I decided that the answer was yes. Oh, another thing, I don't know if Sirius and James knew each other before Hogwarts (or Lupin and Pettigrew, for that matter) so I just had them meet on the boat ride. With that said, hopefully, you like it and review. Read, write, and be merry.


	7. chapter seven

            Disclaimer: James Potter and all his friends (except the ones you do not recognize) are property of J.K. Rowling. As my name (unfortunately) is NOT Joanne Kathleen Rowling, James Potter and all his friends (except the ones you do not recognize) are NOT my property. With that said, you have no right to sue.

            Lily yawned, sitting up and stretching her arms. Sunlight streamed cheerily through a crack in the drapes. She pushed back the covers and padded to the window where she threw the drapes open. It was funny, how the weather could be so beautiful, so completely opposite of how she, herself, was feeling. She would have been much more pleased to find thunder booming, lightning crackling, and rain pouring from clouds so thick, the sky would have seemed as if it were all gray. For a moment or two, she stared out the window but coming to her senses suddenly, she walked to the small bathroom adjacent to her room. It was one of the best things about being Head Girl; she no longer had to wait in long lines to use the prefect bathrooms, no matter how luxurious they were. Her Head Girl bathroom was just as nice, if not a whole lot smaller. She swung her legs over the edge of the tub, which was located on a kind of dais located on the opposite wall of the room. It was not a raised tub but sunken, rather like a small swimming pool. As her favorite bubble bath and hot water poured into the tub, she closed and locked the door and stripped of her clothes. Once it was full, she lowered herself inside, leaning her head back, eyes closed. She'd woken especially early in order to have the time to take a soothing bath. Her nerves were as raw as meat in a butcher's shop. She stayed in the warm water with the bubbles lapping over her breasts for a glorious half hour, feeling her muscles relaxing as the steam and perfume of the bubble bath overwhelmed her senses. When she was finished, she stepped out, patting her hair dry with a towel and wrapped a bathrobe tightly around her slim body.

            She stepped out of her room fifteen minutes later, her hair dry and curling slightly, hung down her back, half of it pulled out of her face with a small clip. When she reached the Great Hall, there were very few students sprinkled here and there, yawning deeply as they stared glumly at their porridge. Sitting down, she pulled a small book out of her bag and spooned herself some food. Engrossed in her book, she ate slowly, reveling in the taste of her food. It had been ages since she'd had a chance to relax and she was going to enjoy it as fully as possible. Very soon, the quiet murmurings became a loud rumbling as students filled the Hall, talking and eating happily, groaning about their essays, and some even frantically scribbling a few last sentences on homework for their next class.

            "Good morning, sleeping beauty." A loud voice sounded somewhere near her. She looked up and her eye caught a mass of black hair and handsome grey-blue eyes. It was Sirius, sitting a few seats away, but his attention was not directed at her, but at James, who was plodding over. "Good lord, you look horrible."

            "Sod off." James croaked, collapsing on the seat next to Sirius.

            "What happened?" 

            "Didn't get any sleep last night." James rolled his neck which cracked loudly.

            "No. Had to do all those essays. And after that, I still couldn't go to sleep."

            "Why not?" Sirius' brow was furrowed and he looked as if he was sincerely concerned about his friend. Lily scowled into her book, her good mood and relaxation evaporating as quickly as steam emanating from hot water. She wished she had friends that cared so much. No, her friends were vapid and self-concerned.

            "I just couldn't." James snarled warningly. "Leave me alone before I stuff my namesake up your bloomin' arse."

            "Ok, ok. I know when to back off." Sirius grinned. Lily shook her head. Those two were always together, like peas in a pod. And though she would rather have been expelled from Hogwarts and forced to live with Petunia than for those two to know, she had to admit to herself that she was envious of them. She so wanted someone with whom she could share her secrets, dreams, and deepest, darkest desires.

            "Hello, Mudblood." Lily stiffened. Why was he bothering her now? And she had felt so relaxed the moment before. "I'm going to have some fun tonight. Care to join me?" She could feel him leaning closer to her.

            "No." Lily's voice came only in a harsh whisper. "No, Zachariah, I wouldn't."

            "But you must. I insist." Zachariah's voice became dangerous. "In fact, you'll find that I can be very… persuasive. I have my ways."

            "I can't, Zachariah. That is to say- I, um- I-" Her eyes darted from side to side as she looked for a means of escape.

            "What?" His breath was dangerously close to her ear.

            "I- I'm- uh- that is-"

            "She's busy. Sorry, Zach." James called out. Zachariah jerked his head up. "Yeah. She-" James' eyes met hers, warning her not to say anything. "She's going to be with me tonight. All night." At this, Sirius gaped wide-eyed at him.

            "Oh. Well, you'll be missing a lot then. See you soon." Zachariah stood and as soon as he was gone, Lily bowed her head, willing herself not to scream.

            "Lily." A hand was placed on her shoulder but she jerked up. James was standing behind her, a kind, concerned look on her face.

            "I'll see you in class." And walked away from him as quickly as she could without actually running.

            "Did I miss something here?" Sirius was still staring at James, his mouth open.

            "Yes, evidently, you did. Don't ask. And do stop gawping at me like a fish out of water." With difficulty, Sirius forced his jaw closed.

            "How exactly DID you get Lily Evans who despises you so much to spend the NIGHT with YOU? No wonder you didn't get any sleep last night, you wanker." Sirius elbowed James in the ribs.

            Lily sat on the floor, partially hidden by a statue of a snarling gargoyle located near her next class. Her face was hidden in her knees, which were pulled up to her chest. James had saved her. He knew what Zachariah had had in mind and he'd given her an excuse. Unexpectedly, she was filled with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude towards the boy who'd tormented her since the first day they met. But she was also dreading having to spend the night in his room, ALONE! No doubt, Zachariah was going to follow them to see if what James had said was true and if he found out it wasn't- she shuddered. _I don't even want to think about it._ Then as quickly as it had come, the feeling of gratitude was choked with a sense of panic. What if James had overheard what Zachariah was saying and only got her out of it so HE could try something as well. She gagged as the thought took over her mind. _He wouldn't._ A sensible little voice in her head assured her. _Who's to say he won't? He's been going after you for ages. Now you'll be a sitting duck, in his room, alone with no one to stop him. It'll be too tempting. _Another voice argued. She sighed as a herd of giggling students walked past, headed towards their class. Lily stood, brushed herself off and joined the stream of students.

            "You are so lucky. All night, huh? Why don't you look happy? You've fancied her for as long as I can remember." Her head snapped up and she edged closer to the voices in order to hear them better.

            "Drop it, Padfoot." The messy-headed boy exhaled noisily, leaning back in his seat, his hands supporting his neck.

            "Why should I? You should be the one prattling on and on about the Lily Evans," Sirius' voice adopted a high-pitched, breathy tone, "you're angel. Why aren't you excited? You'll finally be getting your hands on Lily Evans." At this, James leaped up.

            "Don't you EVER say that again, do you understand me? I am not doing this to get in her knickers."

            "You really fancy her, don't you? To the point where her knickers aren't the only thing on your mind. Do you-do you love her?" Sirius looked at his friend, amazement evident in both his expression and his voice. James threw himself back into his chair, running a hand through the disheveled black hair, causing it to look as if he'd just gotten off his broomstick but for once, Lily thought that wasn't what he was trying to do.

            "I really don't know, Padfoot. I don't know. How DO you know if you really love someone? How do you know if your feelings are real?" Suddenly, he didn't sound at all like a boy who thought he was the better than everyone but like a boy who didn't know what he was doing.

            "Prongs, I can't help you there." Sirius' brow was furrowed as he regarded his friend. Behind him, a group of girls were watching the pair's every move, eyes glazed and lovesick smiles painting their faces. "I can't say I've ever fancied a girl that much."

            "And what do you do if that person doesn't love you? What if she would avoid you at all costs unless you were forced upon her? How would you deal with that?" James sounded anguished as if the very thought of it was physically hurting him. "I don't know if I could deal with it." He practically whispered the last part and Lily had had to lean in really far to hear it. The change that had come over him was so sudden that it left Lily wondering what had happened. The first time they'd spoken, he'd levitated a great black spider in her hair. She was mortally afraid of spiders and he'd acted so unremorseful of his actions that she couldn't stand him. The next year, when his natural talent in Quidditch was discovered, he became a god in the eyes of some and all the attention inflated his ego. He swaggered about the school with a gaggle of girls in his wake, virtually drooling over his soft hazel eyes and untidy black hair. His friends were also worshipped. Sirius charmed them with a grin that acted like the most powerful of love potions and the way his hair drooped into his smoldering dark eyes drove most girls mad with lust. Remus was also fairly good looking but he was too quiet and too secretive to be of much interest. However, there were a few who liked the mysterious aura that seemed to hang about him. Poor Peter was overlooked by all, even those he called friends. More like, they were leaders and he was their follower. He was James' most avid fan, adulating the very ground James walked on. All this fueled his ego and blew up his head. He became more arrogant than ever before. And Lily was the only girl who didn't like him. Her peers thought she was crazy. She thought they were crazy. He and his friends treated girls like little boys treated their toys. They played with them for a while, then lost interest and abandoned them. 

            Now it was different. He treaded more carefully and had stopped hexing his enemies for the fun of it. He was no longer going out of his way to show off. He still played Quidditch, still received adoration from the girls but he seemed less narcissistic about it. Now, James seemed like a little boy who was unsure in his steps. He was confused, scared, and insecure. His change in attitude was so startling, it frightened her slightly. But what was more unnerving was she found that she rather liked this change.

            A/N: Whew. One and a half days! That's the fastest I've ever written a chapter. But I suppose that's due mainly to the fact that I have a lot more time now that I have a huge project out of the way but football and volleyball's starting up real soon so we'll have to see. Be patient! ~Read, write, and be merry~


	8. chapter eight

           Disclaimer: Not my property.

           James hummed as he bustled around his room, picking up the dirty clothes that he'd strewn about since occupying the room. He would have used his wand but for the fact that he had never managed to get the hang of household charms. After he'd thrown the clothes into the big oak closet standing in one corner of the room, he made his bed, dusted and wiped the bathroom clean of whatever had accumulated between the tiles. When the room was sparkling, he walked around, conjuring up candles. Surveying his work, he added a few more candles there and one more over there and nodded happily. There, that would do. She was sure to like it. A knot of uncertainty twisted in his stomach. What if she thought it was just a ploy to get him in her knickers? That was the last thing on his mind. Well, okay, maybe the fifth out of ten but it was still pretty low. He hoped that this would be his chance to finally show her that he wasn't the monster he'd led her to believe he was for all those years.

           "Dungbombs." The portrait opened and Sirius walked in with a low whistle. James spun around. Remus was just behind but Peter was nowhere to be seen.

           "Padfoot's told me all about what you're doing tonight." Remus said matter-of-factly. He took in all the candles and the floor devoid of James' dirty clothes and books. "How did you manage to convince her?"

           "She was looking at me as if I had gone mad but I explained myself and told her that I wouldn't try anything and she agreed." James shrugged, looking at his shoes. He couldn't believe he was lying to the two people he cared about the most but he HAD promised Lily he wouldn't say anything, even though he was dying to tell them the truth. They never kept secrets from each other and he knew they would be hurt and angry when they found out. He cast around for a different subject. "Where's Peter?"

           "He's studying." Sirius snorted. "Still hasn't finished his Potions essay." Peter was the odd man out in their group; more a follower than a leader. He wasn't as bright as his friends and had a lot of trouble with even the simplest of spells. The only subject he seemed to excel at was worshipping his stronger, bolder, bigger friends. Other than that, he was barely scraping P's, getting quite a lot of D's along the way. James had pity on the short, stubby boy who had no particular talents, who wasn't even a good wizard. "So Prongsy, old boy, what do you plan on doing tonight?" Sirius clapped a hand on James' shoulder, snapping the boy out of his reverie.

           "Well, I haven't really thought of that." James could feel his cheeks getting hot; he knew what his friend was insinuating and it made him slightly uncomfortable to even be thinking about it. Why was he acting as if this was his first adventure with a girl? He'd had plenty of experience, knew how to make it good. Then why was he so nervous? Remus, sensing James' insecurities, put up a hand to stop Sirius' monologue.

           "Hold it, Padfoot. I think our friend is a bit-" he paused, "anxious about tonight. James?"

           "I-Okay, well, what if she thinks it's just a ploy to get her in bed with me?" James blurted. Two sets of eyebrows flew up, Sirius' disappearing completely in his hair. James surveyed their reactions sheepishly. He knew they were surprised because no matter how many girls he'd been with before, he'd never once been nervous about what the girl thought of him afterward. True, he'd never really had to worry about it before. All the girls worshipped him and Sirius but for one and her name was Lily Evans.

           "You like her, don't you?" His friends' faces now looked as if all the worrying he was doing about later that night suddenly made sense.

           "I like her, yes, of course I like her. Why do you think I've been moaning about her hatred towards me for so long? I fancy her. But-"

           "But what?" Sirius stared hard. James gulped.

           "But-what if she rejects me? I told her to come here to hear me out, see that I HAVE changed but what if she STILL doesn't like what she sees? Then what do I do? I mean, at least before she hated me for being a toerag but what if, once I bare my soul and all that, she still hates me? I don't think I could take that." As soon as those words were out of his mouth, he blushed, his face going the color of a tomato.

           "James, are you falling in love?" Remus asked, his voice was serious and quiet. James opened his mouth.

           "I don't know." James muttered to his shoes. "I'm not sure of anything anymore." Was he? It was all so confusing. He liked her, yes. But he didn't want to be hurt either. And there was the fact that she had just been raped and was most assuredly not looking for a serious relationship at the moment, much less being intimate with anyone. She hated him, too. At least, he thought she did. It was all so confusing and his brain began to hurt, thinking about her feelings, his feelings, what she wanted and what he wanted and trying to discern through all that muddle whether or not he really _loved _her. He looked up to face his friends, his face a normal color now though the internal battle was still raging inside him. "Well," his voice had taken on a horrible happy tone that slightly scared him, "let's get to dinner, shall we? I'm starving. Oh, and I think it would be best if I sat alone today. I don't think she'll be too much inclined to sit with all of us and I need to talk to her about a pressing and very private matter." He clambered out the portrait and the others trailed behind, giving each other meaningful looks.

           Once seated, James began looking around, trying to find Lily. He wanted to be seen by Zachariah with her, right after dinner. Just when he was giving up hope of finding her before the meal was over, he caught sight of her familiar red hair. His breath caught in his throat. She was beautiful, of that he was absolutely positive. Her hair hung down her back in one long plait but a few curls had come undone, framing her face. Her lips were shiny and her pale skin was tinted the faintest shade of pink. She looked magnificent and she was headed straight for him.

           "Hello." She said, lowering herself down next to him. He cracked a smile. The tureens in front of them were magically filled with food at that moment and she leaned across him to snatch up a roll. He tensed as he felt her breast press against his arm and could feel the blood rush to his groin. Thanking silently whoever insisted the students wear robes, he shifted slightly in an attempt to find a more comfortable position. Perhaps she noticed his uneasiness because she smirked. "Is something the matter?" She asked, the epitome of saccharine innocence. He didn't know whether she'd done what she did on purpose or whether she was just enjoying the nervousness that was so uncharacteristic of him. _That sneaky little prat! She wants to see you squirm. She's enjoying this!_ The pain in his groin intensified when she licked her lips and bit into the soft roll, watching him but casting her face slightly downward so she was actually looking (flirtatiously, mind you) up at him.

           "H-um, no. Everything's just peachy." He rasped his Adam's apple bobbing up and down as he swallowed. "Are you sure you want to go through with this?"

           "I have no choice. Unless I want to become his slave, and I have no intention of doing anything for anybody, I will be spending the night with you. I am not looking forward to it, make no mistake, but as you happen to be doing me a favor, I will be polite." She was brisk and back to business; there was nothing flirtatious about the way she was addressing him now. _Phew. Let's just hope she keeps this "ice queen" façade for the whole night. Otherwise, I don't know if I'll be able to keep from doing SOMETHING._ They spent the rest of the meal in silence. When the both of them had eaten their fill of the delicious food, James stood, signaling Lily to follow him but at a distance. He entered the room first, making sure to instruct the portrait to stay open for a bit, and with one sweep of his wand,

           "Alluceo candalae." And at once, all the candles were lit, burning bright and emitting a faint, almost imperceptible smell of vanilla. He glanced once more around the room, checking for anything he might have missed, any last special touches he had forgotten. It looked perfect and he hoped with every ounce of his being that she thought so as well. Raised female voices caught his attentions and he drew his eyes away from his decorating and towards the door. Standing with one foot through the doorway and one foot outside, Lily was fighting with the portrait, which had apparently half closed on her.

           "What are you doing? I'll have no tart entering that room while I'm here." Gabrielle shrieked.

           "I beg your pardon? I am not a tart and I was invited here by your precious Head Boy." Lily retorted, her hands on her hips, glaring at the girl while the girl glared right back. James struggled (and failed) to bite back a laugh.

           "Gabrielle, just let her in. I invited her." James chuckled. Grumbling loudly, the portrait fully opened and Lily walked inside, her head held high.

           "I don't know why you would invite a slag in here." James heard her mumble to herself as the portrait closed and he shook his head. Meanwhile, Lily had stopped in the middle of the room and was looking around, her back facing James. He took two steps toward her and took her hand. She spun around and jerked it away from him.

           "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to startle you." She just watched him. There was something in her eyes that was making him uncomfortable. They followed his every move, warily watching him like a distrustful animal that was deciding whether you were going to be of any harm or not. He cleared his throat. "So, um, want to have a seat?" He pointed at the bed and she backed away, her arm poised to reach into her pocket and grab her wand if he tried anything. "No? Then, how about over there?" He gestured toward his desk and she nodded quickly, settling down in the comfortable chair, her back as straight as a flagpole. An unsettling silence fell and the tension was so thick, James could have sworn that he had trouble seeing Lily from his seat on the bed.

           "I am not here to get into bed with you. I am merely here to get away from HIM." Her chin was high and defiant but there was a hint of a quiver in her words.

           "I never said anything about getting into your knickers, Evans." James looked away, hurt. Why wouldn't she trust him? _She was raped, fool!_ But he never said anything about having sex with her. Was her opinion of him so low that she thought he slept with EVERYTHING that came his way? He wasn't that much of a pig, was he?

           "Then why do you have candles? Why does the room smell so-" Lily faltered, "so sensual? Why does it look like- that- was your intent?"

           "The candles are the reason for the smell. It was supposed to relax you. I didn't want you bristling at everything I said so I put them around the room. Maybe I got a little carried away. And the cleanliness was supposed to impress you. I didn't want you to know that I live like a pig, which I do but you don't have to know that." _Oh god, I cannot believe I just said that!_

           "Thank you. For, you know." She blushed slightly.

           "Not a problem. But I can't keep acting like this. Friendly towards you one moment, then resentful and angry the next. My friends are beginning to think that I'm going mad." To his immense surprise, Lily laughed.

           "You're already mad. I'll bet they think I'm off my rocker as well."

           "Maybe not completely OFF your rocker but getting there. You're falling off but are holding on for dear life. Once you hit the floor, m'dear, there is no going back." Lily laughed again. James grinned. He liked making her laugh much more than making her upset. She was a lot prettier when her eyes were twinkling and her cheeks tinged crimson.

           "Well, I'm glad to hear that. But why are you being so nice? I mean, before you were a great bullying toerag who thought of nothing other than a good shag. Why are you being so friendly to me when I'm not even all that friendly to you?" He felt a pang at her description of him and a lump formed in his throat when she asked him the question. Here was his chance to prove to her and convince her that he was so much more than that.

           "I-I dunno. I guess a little part of me wants to treat you exactly like you treat me but it's always overpowered. My dark side wants to insult you right back, wants nothing more than to hex that smug little face of yours but there's always something holding me back. Every time I think of doing something to you, something in the back of my head keeps repeating that maybe you don't know any better. Maybe you don't know who I really am but see what's on the outside, how I present myself and that I just don't appeal to you. I don't blame you for hating me, really. I act like such a fucking prat around you that I would probably hate myself if I was in your shoes. It's what's constantly reminding me that if I did anything to you to humiliate you or hurt you, it would only make you hate me all the more and I couldn't- no, can't bring myself to do that." James was no longer looking at Lily. He was looking right past her to something she couldn't see. _James, are you falling in love?_ Remus' voice echoed in his brain. _Yes! NO! I cannot love her. She will only break my heart. I can't. I won't! _ A little voice screamed staunchly. _But you fancy her. Always have. Ever since that day on the train. You know that's why you take such great pains to have her notice you._ A more reasonable voice answered calmly. James didn't know. He didn't know if he loved her for her appearance or her personality. But did he even know who she was on the inside? Or did he just see the shell around her?

           "James?" Lily was now right in front of him. He was brought back to reality with a jolt and jumped when he realized her face was just inches from his. "James? I guess I don't really hate you. But you make me so mad sometimes. You think that just because you're a star Quidditch player and have girls practically falling at your feet that all that makes you some sort of hero. And the way you pick on Snape and the Slytherins? Why can't you just leave them alone? You act like they're bugs that need to be stamped on but they're people, too. You have to start looking at them as people. They have feelings and I'll bet it hurts them when you humiliate them just as much as it would hurt you."

           "I-I never really thought I came across that way. Lily, you have to believe me, I do not think I'm a hero. Well, unless I master a spectacular move during a match but that's hardly ever the case. Deep down inside, I'm just as insecure as the shyest person here. I just put up a façade that I'm made of steel, that nothing can hurt me. But," He took her hand and put it on his arm. "I'm made of skin and bone, just like you." _What did you do that for, you fool! Now she's really going to think your coming on to her! _ But Lily didn't pull herself away at his touch. In fact, her hand was still resting on his arm. He looked into the large, expressive green eyes and saw a number of different emotions jumbled together; apprehension, confusion, awe, surprise, and most prominently, a soft, indescribable emotion that both scared and thrilled him. She was looking at him without a trace of dislike. Was he finally beginning to come across as someone even halfway decent?

           Lily felt a jolt of electricity shoot up her arm when he laid her hand on his arm. She meant to wrench it away but the feel of his skin against hers captivated her and she found she couldn't move even if she wanted to. Had he matured or was it all a very clever ploy and acting skills that he was putting on? She so wanted to find out, so wanted to know exactly what he felt about her but she didn't want to go off playing with fire. He was unpredictable, the conversation they were having proved it. He could act one way one moment, then another the next. She didn't like being cast-away as she had so many times before. She didn't like feeling vulnerable and weak, didn't like the feeling of her heart breaking in a million pieces. She wasn't going to let him do the same to her. _But he's being so sweet. Why don't you give him a chance?_ A small voice echoed in her head. _Have you gone blinking insane?! _ Another voice raged. _You can't let your guard down. He'll only hurt you in the end to get what he wants, make no mistake. You can't ever trust a boy. Especially not him. You've heard the stories. He shags whoever the bloody hell he wants! If you fall for him now, he'll try and shag you too. If you say no, he'll throw you away like yesterday's Prophet. Don't let yourself get hurt. _ She was about to tell him that it was all well and good but she wasn't very interested in a relationship at the moment when she looked up. _Don't look into his bloody eyes, you idiot! _ Her practical voice cried. But it was too late. His hazel eyes caught hers and she was delighted, confused, and surprised to see that in them was love, honesty, sadness and euphoria all at once.

           "James, I-"

           "Shhh." He put a finger to her lips, suddenly tense and alert. He looked toward the door, the emotions fading away to a wary attentiveness. She followed his gaze and there was a noise. A very small one but one nonetheless, just outside the door. She turned back to James but he had stood, his wand gripped tightly in his hand as he moved steadily and quietly toward the portrait hole. He pressed his ear at the door for a second then Gabrielle's voice could be clearly heard from the other side of the wall, causing both of them to jump.

           "I say, what do you think you're doing? You're not allowed in there. No password, no entrance." She sounded both indignant and breathless but her shrill voice screeched the words. There was another voice that answered but it was too low for Lily to hear. "No. No, no one's in there." She saw James nod proudly. The portrait was lying through her teeth. But it worked as she could hear footsteps moving away, growing fainter until she could hear them no more.

           "Good. I taught her well." James smirked, throwing himself down on the bed.

           "Taught who?"

           "Gabrielle, of course. Pad-Sirius used to barge in here all the time when I was sleeping. So eventually I told her that unless I said so, she was not to let anyone in, even though they had a password. Took her a while to break the force of habit but she's got in down now, I should say."

           "See, you're so clever. Why don't you ever try in class? You get passing grades, sure, but you could get so much better if you just applied yourself." Inside, she cringed. _How could you lecture him on classwork at a time like this?_ She expected him to lash out at her, like he'd done in the Great Hall the other day but he just chuckled.

           "Life's so much more fun if there's the element of surprise incorporated into it."

           "But-" She was getting frustrated. He was absolutely impossible! _You like that, though, don't you? You like that he can be such a challenge, that he always has a small smirk on his face when teasing you._

           "Now, Evans, don't ruin the mood. We're getting along so nicely. Don't work yourself into a sweat because I don't have the same study habits as you. Just because I don't study twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, doesn't mean that I don't have goals in life too. I like to have fun too. You should try it someday." She opened her mouth to retort but James held up a hand, shushing her. "How 'bout we see how long we can go without arguing about something stupid?"

           "Fine. But I bet it lasts less than ten minutes." She crossed her arms and stared challengingly at him. He cocked an eyebrow.

           "Oh really? I think we can last more than that if we really applied ourselves. I'll take you up on that bet. If we can go for more than ten minutes without arguing, you'll have to stop bothering me about doing my schoolwork. If we don't, I'll work harder and won't play any practical jokes for two weeks."

           "Ok. I'll take you up on that bet. But I STILL don't think we'll last that long."

           "Oh-" James stopped. Lily was impressed; he wasn't half bad. "So." He leaned back on the bed, resting on his elbows. "This is going to be interesting."

           "How so?" He always managed to make things interesting.

           "All we ever do is fight with each other. If we're not arguing, what are we going to talk about?"

           "We could talk about why you and your friends are so close." Lily blurted out. _Why the hell did you say THAT for?_ He gaped at her.

           "Where'd that come from?" He was surveying her with a mild curiosity and nothing more. There was not a trace of laughter or ridicule in his expression.

           "I don't know." She snapped, her temper boiling over from nerves and embarrassment and anger at herself. "Sorry. I'm just wondering, that's all."

           "If it's the same to you, Padfoot, Moony, Wormtail and I have been through so much together that it would be impossible not to be as close as we are right now. I would die for my friends and I know they would die for me. Why do you ask? Surely you have friends who would say the same thing."

           "As a matter of fact, I don't. My friends are superficial airheads who care about nothing but themselves." Lily bowed her head. "And you can tell about the kind of people I associate myself with when you look at Zachariah. I can't believe I would even think about having something with him." She hated herself for allowing the walls to come down only to be betrayed. She had trusted him with her heart but that wasn't good enough for him. He had to take her virginity as well.

           "Hey, don't blame yourself for what he did to you. There is no way it was your fault. You told him no and he didn't listen to you. HE violated you, not the other way around." James leaned in and there was urgency in his voice, in the way he was trying to convince her that it wasn't her fault.

           "But I dated him. I chased after him." Lily cringed again. Why was she telling all this to him? _You hate him, remember? _Did she? Why was she allowing him to know things that no one else knew, things she kept hidden in deep, dark corners of her brain.

           "Yes, you might have but there was no way you could have known that he was going to do those things to you. Didn't you tell me that he tried once before but you stopped him and he became angry with you and ditched you for that Chantale what's-her-name? Please don't blame yourself." James put a hand under her chin and lifted it so she was looking at him. "I hate it when you do that."

           "What do you mean?" Her eyes were swimming with tears and her vision was blurry. No, don't cry. She hated crying in front of people. It showed weakness and that was something she couldn't afford to let anyone know she had. She had to be cold and untouchable so they would get the hint and leave her the hell alone. Damn James and those eyes for bringing up the cursed feelings she tried to hide and would rather not feel at all.

           "You always run yourself down. There's never a time when you aren't beating yourself up for one bloody mistake, one thing you haven't done right, or botched. Do you know how many people would kill to be as perfect as you?"

           "I'm not perfect." Lily scoffed, cursing herself for the blood that was rushing to her cheeks. Her pale face burned scarlet whenever she was embarrassed.

           "There you go again. Why can't you just accept that fact that maybe you're perfect? Maybe not completely and maybe not in your eyes but in my opinion, there isn't really anything wrong about you. Not one thing."

           "I don't know how I should take that." She was still staring at him; her eyes were glued to his and there was a spark of something she couldn't describe, something hot that made her very uncomfortable but at the same time, she couldn't tear her gaze to something else. Every red flag in her brain was popping up, every warning was playing over and over and she kept telling herself there was no way she would allow herself to be hurt again. She was too fresh from what happened the last time she allowed the ice inside her to melt. It would kill her to go through that again. James' shoulders sagged.

           "Think about it. How should you take it? I can't tell you. You decide." He took both her hands in his and took a deep breath. He rather looked as if he was steeling himself for the worst. "I really fancy you, Lily. I won't go so far as to say that I love you because, quite frankly, I'm not very sure if I do right at this moment But I am sure that all I want to do is make you happy, see you smile, hear you laugh. When you're sad and upset, that just eats away at me. You deserve to be happy. But whenever I start having some wild fantasy about you and me, I always ask myself if I was good enough for you. A part of me always worried that I wasn't. You're a smart, beautiful, sweet person, Lily Evans, and don't ever let anyone tell you anything other than that." Lily was stunned. No one had ever been that kind to her, not even Zachariah at his best. There was something different about him, something she couldn't quite place.

           "I can't, James, I can't. Not right now. I don't know how I can trust you." He closed his eyes and turned his head slightly, breathing hard.

           "I can wait until you're ready to give me an answer. But don't make a decision right now, ok?" His words contained a faint hint of pleading. He looked so downtrodden that Lily couldn't help but feel sorry for him. _Damn you, James. You and your puppy dog eyes._

           "Thank you." Tears welled in her eyes and dropped down her cheeks. She hated that she could so easily show her weaknesses to him. He could, for all she knew, just as easily take advantage and use them to his benefit. But something inside her told her he wouldn't. He wasn't that kind of person. So why was she resisting him with every bit of strength that she had?

           A/N: Well, sorry for the long wait whoever's been reading this. I've just been very very extremely busy with life and school and now summer homework but I promise that I'll try and update faster. Thanks and once again, suggestions are welcomed because I'm running low on ideas for where this is going. Read, write, and be merry


	9. chapter nine

           Disclaimer: Don't own them but I wish I did.

           James Potter awoke with a stiff neck, a sore back and a very full bladder. He was hunched over his desk, a pillow resting between his head and his crossed arms. Blankets were strewn on the floor surrounding the soft chintz chair he was occupying. Groaning, he arched his back and stretched, rolling his neck back and forth in an effort to relieve the pain. He stood and, still stretching, made his way to the small bathroom adjacent to the room. After relieving himself, he changed and freshened up. Yawning widely, he strolled to the bed where just the smallest bit of red was visible on the pillow. He leaned over and poked the lump in his bed.

           "Go 'way." It murmured and moved away from him.

           "Come on, Lily. You're going to be late for breakfast." He was getting closer to blow in her ear when her head popped up, hitting him square in the nose. He jerked away with curses streaming from his mouth, sounding slightly nasal.

           "Dammit, Evans, what was that for?" His eyes were tearing as he rubbed his nose, watching her indignantly.

           "What? I didn't do anything. I just sat up like you told me to. What were you doing anyhow?"

           "I was trying to wake you up by blowing in your ear."

           "Well, serves you right, then. That's something I expect Peeves to do." She crossed her arms as she stared innocently at him. Her cheeks were bright and there was a hint of a smile on her lips. _God, she's beautiful. I wonder what she would do if I snogged her right now._ He mentally cursed himself but couldn't help it when his eyes roamed over the swell of her breasts. _Good grief. Don't even think about it, you horny bastard, she told you she wasn't ready. Don't ruin it for yourself now._ He was gripped with a sudden desire to feel her skin under his fingers   but restrained himself. _Think about something else. Something else. Homework! McGonagall's essay that's due tomorrow! Oh shit, I haven't even started…_ "What? What is it? Is it something I said?" The amusement on her face had evaporated and she was now gazing at him in a concerned fashion. __

           "No, no. Just thinking, that's all." He managed a smile. "My nose still hurts." He stuck his tongue out at her.

           "Boo-hoo. Poor baby." She mocked in a sing-song tone. "Should I kiss your boo-boo?" James brightened. _Don't be so obvious._ He coached himself and tried –but failed abysmally- to arrange his face to look slightly more indifferent to that suggestion.

           "Yeah. I'm sure that would help it a whole lot." She stood and, holding his face firmly in her hands, kissed the tip of his nose just slightly. "It's a miracle. My nose is completely healed. You know, if you bottled that stuff and sold it, you'd make a fortune." He knew he had a big, silly grin on his face and knew that it was stupid to be so happy about a small kiss on the nose that was meant as a joke but it was a kiss nonetheless. Working his face furiously, he tried to frown but found he couldn't. She watched his ridiculous facial expression while hiding her laughing mouth behind her hand.

           "Thank you. I'll think about it. But there are a number of issues to address. First, there would be the problem of bottling kisses. That would prove to be difficult. Then you'd have to test it, just to make sure people who use it don't come out in rashes or spots or nasty things like that. And-" He threw a pillow at her. She shrieked and dodged it, jumping on the bed to do so.

           "Shut up, Evans. It's too early for that technical nonsense of yours." He groaned, his eyes closed in a pitiful grimace.

           "It's too early, eh? Well, if I was shagging you, I bet it wouldn't be too early for that." She had her hands on her hips.

           "It's too early for anything of any sort of recreational activity. Shut up." He melodramatically threw himself into his chair, flopping his arms off the sides, his legs completely stretched out, his head lolled to one side and he allowed his mouth to fall open, his tongue hanging out.

           "Lovely sight, you are. Don't you ever comb your hair? It's always so messy. Like you just woke up and got straight out of bed."

           "I DID just wake up, and besides, it won't do anything. I've tried everything in the book. Every spell, gel, powder, everything! It just won't stay down. It's useless. Don't try and nag at me because even if I were to listen to you, it wouldn't do any good. Besides, we went for ten minutes last night without any sort of argument between us so you lose and I win! This means that you have to quit bothering me about school." It was quiet for a moment and Lily, accepting defeat, had bent over to pick up her shoes which were lying next to the bed. James stood quietly and snuck, cat-like, to the other side of the bed, her back facing him. Shaking with silent giggles, he brought his hands out and leaped at her, tickling her sides and shouting triumphantly when she jumped.

           "Potter, get-the-hell-off-of me!" She screamed, in between hysterical laughs. "Oooh, I'm going to get you, one of these days!" Her hand swiped out and caught him on the arm, leaving two small rivers of blood. He stopped and glanced with surprise at his arm.

           "Wow, you're almost as bad as my cat." He wiped the blood off and used his wand to heal the small lacerations, which weren't very deep and no more painful than paper cuts. She touched his arm where the scrape had been.

           "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. It's just-" She brought her hand away from him and closer to her face. "I guess I should cut my nails." She grinned sheepishly at him for a moment. "So, I'm all set. Are you? We're going to be late for breakfast." Before he could answer her, she grabbed the sleeve of his robe and marched out the portrait hole and into the corridor, James protesting loudly in her wake.

           "But I haven't got my things!" He complained, sounding like an unhappy three-year old.

           "Aw, poor Jamesie-poo." She looked at him out of the corner of her eye. He glared at her, resigned himself to follow, but pouted all the way.

           "Hmph." They sat down facing each other and both pretended that they weren't having fun being with the other but James couldn't help but smile. There was Lily Evans sitting in front of him, actually trying not to smile at him. She'd kissed him on the nose and while that may have sounded extremely small and insignificant, compared to the fact that she would never have even gotten near enough to touch him; a small kiss on the nose was a very big deal. He suppressed the need to giggle out loud. Inside, he was throwing a party and he gave up trying to hide the big, goofy grin on his face.

           "What's old Prongs-y so happy about?" Sirius plopped into the seat next to James. "Could it be the fact that someone got very lucky last night?" He elbowed his friend in the ribs. James flinched as Sirius loaded food onto his plate.

           "No. Shut your mouth, Padfoot or I'll use my wand to shut it for you."

           "Ooh, maybe it's not that. So why do you look as if Christmas has come early? Because it hasn't you know. It's only April."

           "I know that. I-"

           "Padfoot, do stop bothering our dear friend. I'm sure he'll tell us when he's ready." Remus looked up from the book he'd propped up against the water pitcher. James glared at his friends. He was used to their ribbing but even so, it still got old.

           "Ok, ok. I'll shut up." Sirius shrugged and went back to eating. Lily was staring down at her food with an expression that was halfway between a smirk and a grin. He caught her eye and she beamed like the Cheshire cat. He kicked her under the table and she kicked him back, an odd strangled sound escaping her lips. She looked like she was trying desperately not to laugh. Pretty soon, their feet were engaged in a sort of violent tussle and in the heat of the moment, Lily flung out her arm and knocked over her goblet, the liquid staining the tablecloth a bright orange.

           "Oops." She giggled, not meeting his eye. He laughed softly at her and, hearing him, she flushed a deep tomato red. Good lord, she was cute when she blushed. He bit his lip, knowing full well that the whole exchange was being watched closely by his friends who were very bewildered.

           "Clumsy." He whispered, tapping her foot with his. She kicked back and her foot came in contact with his leg. "Ouch. Guess I deserved that, didn't I?" He leaned down to rub his shin. "You should play football. With a kick like that, you would go far."

           "What's the time, mate?" Sirius finally looked up, his mouth bulging with food. James checked his watch.

           "Oh hell, I have to go get my bag." He stood abruptly and jogged from the room.

           "He didn't even tell me the time." Sirius looked at Remus. "What's wrong with him? It's almost like he's in another world." Remus could only shrug.

           Meanwhile, Lily had also stood and slipped away. She followed James and reached a hand out to stop the portrait from closing. He hadn't noticed her.

           "Hey." He jerked and spun around. She walked over to him. "I just realized that I woke up in your bed. Did I- did we-?" She flushed, looking down. She hated that she wasn't able to trust him but there really was no precaution that she couldn't take. And she allowed herself to drop her guard around him, while she was sleeping, nonetheless. She just had to know.

           "No. You started to fall asleep in the chair and I didn't want you to sleep there- it would've been rude of me- so I put you in the bed."

           "Where did you sleep, then?"

           "I slept at my desk." She wrinkled her nose. "It wasn't too bad. And it was a lot more comfortable than sleeping on the floor."

           "Thank you. For- not- doing- anything. I'm sorry- for- not trusting you." It was almost killing her to apologize to him. He would be sure to use it against her and lord it over her. And of course, it would only inflate his big head.                

"Oh." He looked considerably pleased. "Well, you're welcome, I suppose." And without another word, he turned his back on her and began stuffing books, parchment and a number of quills into his bag, cursing when it wouldn't close. "Dammit. Stupid bag." He wrestled with the strap one last time before throwing the whole lot back on the bed in disgust. "Effing bag."

           "Here, let me." She snatched the bag from him. "What a mess. Potter, do you REALLY need all this?" She dumped the contents onto the bed. "You need your Potions book," she put a thick volume into the bag spine-up, "you'll need your dragon-hide gloves, you never know just what Professor Mclean will make us do," she rolled those up and tucked them into the bag as well, "where's your schedule- ah, never mind, here it is. Okay, you'll need this," she lay a very heavy, leather-bound book next to the Potions book, also spine-up. "hmmm, what else? Let's see-" she perused the schedule with a slight frown, "well, Professor McGonagall will most definitely want us to have our Transfiguration things," she lay a book, among other things into the bag, "and, you ought to bring some blank parchment-"

           "For what?" James interrupted, looking over her shoulder.

           "For note taking, what else? Honestly." She huffed, not even bothering to turn. "As I was saying, some blank parchment and a few bottles of ink should do you up nicely. Do you really need-" she paused, counting under her breath, "ten quills? What use could you possibly have for ten quills? One for each class? Really, you only need about two." She picked up the quills and laid them neatly on top of the other things in the bag. With a look of satisfaction, she buckled it and handed it to James, who had a look of surprise on his face as he took it from her.

           "Wow, it's so light." He slung it over his shoulder. "Thanks, Evans."

           "Now you have everything you need, nothing more, nothing less. Look at the junk that was in your bag." She swept a hand over the detritus on the bed. There were crumpled bits of parchment, numerous books that were not needed and broken quills. Spying something written on a piece of parchment, she reached over and smoothed it out. Drawn in one corner was a snitch with the letters LP written in the middle in fancy script. "Oh!" She gasped, color creeping into her cheeks as she stared, open-mouthed at the parchment. James, realizing what it was, snatched the parchment away from her, his face on fire. _LP.__ Lily Potter. Lily Potter?!_ _What the fuck is that? _

           "Um," James began, the picture crushed in his hand. He was looking at everywhere but her. Lily didn't know if she should have been flattered or a bit disturbed. "So, look, just disregard that completely, ok? I- I didn't mean anything by it. It's just something stupid." He nervously ran a hand through his hair.

           "Are you sure? I think you're lying." Lily put a hand on her hip, smirking at him. She was relishing in the fact that something as stupid as the letters LP could have such an effect on the boy. For once, instead of him getting to her, she would be the one to frustrate and exasperate him. She wasn't going to give up that opportunity. Feigning innocence, she asked, "So, to whom did those initials belong?" James went, if possible, even redder than before and he was deliberately looking

only at his toes.

           "No one of interest to you." He mumbled.

           "Would I know this person?" She asked in a voice that was saccharine sweet _Don't__ be so full of it. He's got lots of girls who fancy him. So why should it be you? _A small voice said wisely inside her head. _Well, I am the only person who he's been relentlessly chasing after for so long._ She argued back. But who was she kidding? There were plenty of other girls who were prettier, flashier, outgoing, and flirty. She was only smart. And she wasn't very much endowed in the chest area, either. If she had noticed something about James Potter's choice of girls, it was that they always seemed to have breasts that were certainly bigger than hers.

           "Oh, no, I don't think so." His voice got progressively lower so Lily had to strain to be able to hear his last words.

           "Are you sure? Because I think one of my friends has those initials." Her shoulders twitched and she was having a great deal of difficulty in suppressing her laughter.

           "Really? Well, that's a coincidence." James was fidgeting uncomfortably now. His voice sounded anxious and he was looking frantically at the door, the mirror, the wall opposite him, everywhere but where Lily was standing.

           "Yes, funny, though." Lily said, thoughtfully scratching her chin. "My first initial is L and your last initial is P. LP. Now isn't that interesting?"

           "Yes, very interesting." He choked out, sounding strangled and was sweating profusely.

           "But it couldn't stand for that, could it? I mean, you know that would never happen. Lily Potter? It's absurd. We're just total and complete opposites, right?"

           "Yes." The relief in his voice was evident and the color was subsiding. "It is. We are total opposites but opposites attract, or so they say."

           "True, very true," Lily mused, nodding in agreement.

           "Oh look at the time, best be off to class." And without much ado, he spun around on his heel and dashed from the room with Lily hot on his heels, laughing silently all the way.

           A/N: Fluff, complete and utter fluff. I'm getting to a more serious part, I hope… but as I don't really know what that is going to be, it may take a while… sorry for the long wait. This story just WILL NOT write itself. Gah. Writer's block is the bane of my existence. I really do hope to get more cranking on this story so keep looking for updates.


	10. chapter ten

Disclaimer: Don't own them but I wish I did.

_"No!" Lily screamed, feeling the touch of cold, groping hands roaming over her body._

_ "Come on, be a dear. You'll like it." He smirked, gripping her harder. He seemed to be enjoying her terror. "You liked it the last time, didn't you? I know you did." He tore off her robes, her skirt… piece by piece her clothing was thrown to the floor. Leering sickly, he stripped down too, also throwing his clothes aside._

_ "Get away from me." Lily curled her hand into a fist and swung at him. He caught it with a hand that was twice as big as hers. She struggled futilely but he was too strong. Wrenching her wrists upward, he tied her to the bed and with a moan, thrust himself inside her. Lily screamed again. The pain was too much. She couldn't take it. It felt like she was bursting apart as he rammed himself into her with such force that warm, sticky blood poured from her. He was grunting, his hand rubbing her breasts, her torso, the pain was too much. She was going to die. She was going to die…_

Lily bolted upright, chest heaving. Her body was covered in a thin sheen of sweat. Almost frantically, she checked to see if there was blood, but there was none. She was safe in her room, nothing had been disturbed and she was completely clothed. _It was just a dream. _She half-sobbed to herself. These nightmares had plagued her since Zachariah had invaded her. The fear was replaced by anger so terrible that she fairly shook with it. She hated him with every ounce of her being. She HATED him. She would have liked nothing more than to rip him, limb from limb and watch him writhe in pain. Lily smiled grimly as she imagined him, begging her for mercy. She imagined herself, laughing mercilessly, a cold, hard laugh as she pointed her wand at him and with immense satisfaction, mouthed the words _Avada__ Kedavra_. She would have liked nothing more than to see his face, full of surprise and fear as he watched the green light of the curse rush toward him, would have like nothing better than to hear the scream that would tear from his lips as his soul was ripped from his body. She would laugh as she watched his lifeless body fall to the floor, his face frozen forever in an expression of horror and pain. She laughed as she imagined this but a moment later was sickened by her thoughts.

How could she, Lily Evans, think these things? She had always been so nice, so pleasant but something in her snapped when he violated her. She sounded like a murderer. The images of revenge slowly leaked from her mind as she buried her face in her hands and wept. She didn't know what to do. She couldn't tell her parents. They would be so disappointed in her. Her friends would only giggle and congratulate her for finally losing it. Who could she turn to? _Dumbledore._ She shook her head violently. No, she couldn't tell him. He would most definitely punish Zachariah and Zachariah would know that she had told. He would be after her. No, telling a teacher was out of the question. She was trapped and she knew it. There was no where to go, no one to turn to. There was no one to help her. She just wanted to end it all, to escape the pain, both mentally and emotionally. Eventually, she cried herself into a restless sleep from which she woke often.

The next morning, Lily stumbled down to breakfast. She walked down the aisle looking for an available seat and chose one next to the only person who she felt she trusted, James who was, at the moment, preoccupied with tales of Sirius' nightly escapades.

"Whoa, Sirius, mate, that's wicked!" James groaned, sounding both envious and reluctantly impressed. She dropped weakly into the seat and reached across him toward a platter of bacon and eggs. But in a haze of tiredness, she didn't see the goblet full of pumpkin juice. Her hand made contact with the cold metal and it tipped, spilling the orange liquid onto James' toast. "Thanks, Evans. I love soggy pumpkin juice toast." The boy snapped, staring with disgust at the sodden contents of his plate. _So it's back to Evans, is it? _She was also staring at James' plate but with a mixture of distress and exhaustion on her face. She had frozen with the loud clang of the goblet, her arm still outstretched toward the platter of food.

"I am so sorry, James. I didn't see the goblet. I didn't mean to. Please don't be mad." She ran a shaking hand over her eyes and the boys turned to look at her. Four audible gasps of shock emanated from the boys as they goggled at her. Her hair was pulled in a messy ponytail, there were loose tendrils falling into her face, her robes were wrinkled and clasped haphazardly, she was shaking and her skin was paper-white. When she removed her hand from her eyes, they could see dark, purple bags under the normally vivid emerald eyes that were now a dull, matte green. She was shaking and generally looked a mess. "I didn't mean to. Really. Oh, did I stain your robes? Now, you'll have to change and-" She began to dab at his robes with a napkin.

"Don't worry about the bloody robes. I've got extra. It's okay." James took the cloth from her hand and held her wrists gently but firmly.

"Yeah, but it'll inconvenience you. I didn't mean to. And you'll have to get another plate of toast and another glass of pumpkin juice and I'm really really sorry."

"I told you not to worry about it." James smiled kindly into her eyes.

"I don't know what's gotten into me. I just- it's just that I'm so tired. I can't sleep at all. I-I wake up all the time from nightmares and I don't know what to do and- and I keep seeing him. He's always there. In my dreams, telling me things I don't want to hear. He won't go away." Lily buried her face in her hands. James just sat there, bewildered. Sirius' mouth was wide open and he didn't notice that an owl had landed in front of him with a package tied to its leg. "I'm a mess. I can't sleep, I can't think, I just want to get away. I cry myself to sleep, every night. I look like the Knight Bus just hit me." Tears were slowly leaking from behind her hands. She sniffed loudly, mopping her dripping nose with the sleeve of her robe, unable to find a handkerchief.

"Here, use mine." Remus tossed a clean white handkerchief to her. She took it gratefully and blew her nose on it, the sound reminding those in the vicinity of Peeves blowing his raspberries.

"Thank you." She said thickly, wadding the cloth in her hand. She wouldn't meet them in the eye. "I don't expect you'll be wanting this back right away, Remus, now that it's dirty but I'll get it to you once it's cleaned."

"Evans? What's wrong with you?" Sirius blurted, he had finally regained his voice. James winced. Sirius was never one who was good with emotions and sensitive stuff like that. "You're not at all like the fiery redhead that we all know and love. What's gotten into you? It's like the Lily who's sitting there is only a shell of its former occupant. What happened to Miss Holier-Than-Thou? Missy Prissy? Miss I-Have-The-Highest-Marks-In-The-Whole-Bloody-School? Ow!" For James had just stamped on his foot.

"Shut it, Padfoot." James snarled under his breath. Sirius began to protest but stopped quickly at one warning look from his friend.

"God, I can't believe I'm crying like a fool. Oh, Good Lord, I'm talking to myself. I'm going mad." Lily whimpered, shaking her head, her hands pressed against her eyes.

"You're not going mad. Here, I think you should go, lie down and have a rest. You look awful. A good sleep should do you up nicely." James helped her stand and brought her to her room. "I'll tell the professors that you weren't feeling very well and had to lie down, ok?" But Lily was already fast asleep, lying on top of her bedcovers. James pulled the sheets over her and left the room, turning off the lights as he did so.

"Prongs, YOU tell us what's going on." Sirius demanded, ten minutes later when James skidded into the room just as the bell clanged loudly. Puffing loudly, James set up his cauldron and took out his supplies.

"Yes, Prongs, enlighten us to the strange behavior of Lily Evans. She practically had a nervous breakdown over spilled pumpkin juice! Calm, cool, collected Lily. She's never so much as lost her head over anything! Even O.W.L.'s. What's happened to her?" Remus asked in a low voice on James' other side, as he skinned a flobberworm, neatly cutting off its head and removing the skin just so.

"She's- something's happened to her. She took it rather hard- can't see how anyone in their right mind wouldn't- and I suppose is rather depressed about it all." James was watching Remus blankly. "What do you think I should do? I mean, I want to help her but I don't know how I can make her feel better about something that I could never experience?" He ran a frustrated hand through his untidy black hair.

"Well, I suppose you could just-" Remus began.

"But, what if I help her and that ends up blowing in my face?" James said, apparently not taking in a word Remus was saying.

"Just-"

"But if I just sit back and do nothing, what will happen to her?"

"You could-"

"She could do something drastic."

"I know. Would you let me get a word in?" Remus harrumphed grumpily. James' eyes focused on his pale friend. "Ok. Now that you are actually listening. Right, well, since you don't really understand what is happening or has happened to Lily, just be there for her. Let her talk to you. She trusts you well enough. Let her know that you will be there if she needs to talk or cry."

"Oh. Well, how would you know that?" He asked incredulously. Remus blushed and mumbled something that sounded like, "My mum's advice books."

"Prongs, tell me, why Lily Evans is now trusting you as her confidant? We very obviously missed something there." Sirius peered interestedly in James' face, now tipping powdered Madagascar hissing cockroaches in the cauldron. The potion hissed and began emitting red and green sparks. "Damn." He brought out his wand and poked it in the liquid. "Moony, a little help here?!" he cried, his wand on the table beside it and was now stirring the potion feverishly. Remus craned his neck and observed the potion with a bland look.

"You need to add three drops of dragon's blood stir it counterclockwise for ten seconds then add one teaspoon of essence of mandrake followed IMMEDIATELY by one ounce of fish scale. The potion should turn a neon purple and fizz. After that, let your potion simmer for five minutes and stir it clockwise for another two. It should turn turquoise and emit blue sparks. That's how you'll know it's finished. Let it cool for a minute and then you can bottle a sample." He said, slowly and clearly as if Sirius hadn't even half a brain. "You know, it's all on the board up front."

"Oh, right. Thanks." James rolled his eyes. His friend was handsome and the most sought after boy in the school but when it came to schoolwork and essays, he had a horrible reputation. Silently, he thanked the heavens that he had been spared answering the question. The boys worked silently, though sometimes breaking the quiet with questions, grunts, or muttered curses. At the end of the class, James ladled a bit of the potion in a small vial, corked it and walked up to the professor, confidant that he had followed all the instructions carefully. After all, the result was a rich turquoise blue. He reached the professor's desk and set his vial among the others of his fellow students. After Potions, the class headed to lunch and James, taking advantage of the break, jogged through numerous corridors and ran up flights of stairs until he was face to face with the portrait of a wizened old wizard, sitting at his desk. The wizard, now used to seeing him, opened almost immediately. He jumped through the hole and heard it close behind him. Lily was on her bed, whimpering quietly, her arms and legs were flailing and he could understand one word: no. A white-hot flash of fury burst through him; he had a shrewd idea who she was dreaming about. But he suppressed it and strode to her bedside.

"Lily. Lily, wake up." He stroked her hot forehead with his calloused hand. At once, she woke and sat up, trembling violently. "Shhh. It was only a dream. Just a dream." He smoothed her mussed hair and pulled her in a tender hug.

"James." Her voice was ragged and hoarse. "James, I dreamed about him again. I dream about him whenever I go to sleep. It's like I'm trapped and I'm watching myself, helpless to do anything." Anger raised its ugly head once more and again, James pushed it back down. _Just hold her._ And that he did, brushing his hand through her hair.

"It's just a dream. I won't let him hurt you again. You'll be okay." He adopted a light, reassuring tone and gradually, her tremors calmed, then ceased completely. He looked down at her. The violent red hair that announced to the whole world that Lily Evans was coming was tangled and messy, her face held signs of tears, and her eyes were smoldering dark, shimmering in the light. He hugged her almost fiercely to his chest and she clung to him. Both were silent and James couldn't help but feel her soft form pressed against him… _Stop it! Remember what Remus said. Just be her friend._ When the bell clanged loudly overhead, signaling the end of the meal, they jumped. James stood and cleared his throat. "I guess I should be going now. Do you want me to bring you back some dinner?"

"Yes. I suppose that would be nice." She gave him a small smile before he left and floating happily, he practically danced to his next class.

A/N: I don't know... I feel like there's something missing or that I'm starting to get repetitive... oh well. plot development i guess. all in the name of writing. let me know what you think!


	11. chapter eleven

Disclaimer: the whole song and dance… not mine… j.k. rowling's

"Hey, Lily. Feeling a bit better?" James eased into the darkened room, seeing her sitting up on the bed, her back against the wall, knees at a forty-five degree angle, a small book, in which she was scribbling furiously, propped up against her kneecaps. Her hair was like a curtain that hung about her face, shielding her soul from the world.

"Yeah, I am. The sleep helped a bit. Thanks." She looked up, smiling and he could see that she truly did look better. As he walked closer, she shut the book with a snap and placed it in the drawer at the bedside. When he sat down, she had pulled out her wand and was muttering an incantation, so softly that he couldn't hear. A yellow light shone from the tip and encased the drawer; a loud click was heard and the light dissipated. "So, what sorts of homework do you have for me? I don't think I'll be going out for some time so I'd appreciate it if I had something to do to fill up my time." She pushed a lock of hair behind her ear, watching him expectantly as he dumped the contents of his bag in the space next to her.

"Well, for potions, just write an essay on Pain Relieving Potions, since you weren't there for the practical part. Here," he threw her a long scroll of parchment on which the teachers had written her assignments, all wishing her a fast recovery. "That should keep you busy for a spell." He lapsed into silence, waiting for Lily to say something to him. But she was too absorbed in reading the parchment to notice him, only looking up when his stomach rumbled loudly. "I better get to dinner. I dunno what we're having but it's bound to be delicious."

"Just don't take too long stuffing your face so I can stuff mine."

"No problem. You won't have to wait too long." He dropped his books and, without the extra weight was able to run fairly fast to the kitchens where the house elves were scurrying in a flurry of activity. Above, he could hear distant sounds of happy chattering and the clanking of knives and forks as the students gobbled up the feast.

"Good evening, Master Potter. We's haven't seen you for a long time." A wrinkly old house elf squeaked at James' elbow.

"Oh, hello, Hansley." He smiled down at the short elf and knelt down so they were face-to-face.

"What can I do for sir?" The elf's brown eyes brightened and his bat ears perked. He was so eager to please and was always willing to fetch something for James when he visited.

"D'you think you could prepare a basket of the food that you've prepared for dinner? Just for two people and put it in a picnic basket?"

"Ahhh. Hansley sees. Master Potter is going on a date?" Hansley nodded sagely, and a second later was scurrying about laying things gently, almost lovingly into a wicker basket. "There. Sir, I hope you find it to your liking." The house elf handed James a wicker basket practically bursting with sumptuous goodies. Almost five minutes later, James stood at the portrait hole, doubled over, panting. The portrait flung open, catching him on the forehead and knocking him over but with his reflexes, he was able to roll, cat-like, on his back so as not to squash the picnic he carried in his arms.

"I wondered what took you so long. Did you eat?" Lily stood, framed by the walls, her hands on her hips.

"No. I didn't. I went down to the kitchens to get a basket to carry all your food in. Come on," he stood, brushing himself off with a hand, "let's go down to the lake." He grabbed her hand and pulled her from the room.

"But-but," she spluttered.

"None of that, Evans." He told her sternly. "Come on, you need to get out and I don't think you should be going in the Great Hall so, the next best thing is the lake." They pushed the entrance door open and stepped into the warm spring night. The sun was already beginning to set and the grounds were bathed in a blood-red light. The lake mirrored the setting sun and the array of colors displayed in the sky. He continued walking, her hand still caught in his, not stopping until they reached a thick oak tree standing at the edge of a small bunch of bushes which led to the Forbidden forest. Waving his wand in a careless, squiggly way, he conjured up a large, warm blanket and candles which settled at the base of the tree. He plopped down, crossing his legs and faced the lake, gesturing for her to follow his lead.

"This is nice." She sighed, sitting down next to him, her legs beneath her and over to one side in a proper position. "What's for eating?"

"I really don't know." James shrugged and began pulling the food from the basket.

"But there's so much of it. I can't eat it all." Lily gazed, horrified at the food lying in front of her. "What do you think I am? A cow?"

"No, no. Some of it's for me too. You don't expect me to starve, do you?" James picked up a roasted chicken leg and bit into it with gusto.

"Oh." Lily fell silent. Then, "ohhhhhh. You're very sneaky, you are, James Potter. Luring me out on a date." She prodded him, a hard edge to her voice, though she was laughing too. "Well, I guess I should give you some points. You did manage to trick me, after all." After that, it was silent, both just enjoying the others company, eating their way through pork chops and chicken, puddings and treacle tarts. By the time both had stopped eating, the sky was ink black and numerous stars twinkled overhead. Groaning, both leaned back on the tree, their shoulders touching. "Just don't try this again, James. More of this and I really will be a cow." She leaned her head against his shoulder. "Why did you fancy me so much before? I mean, I wasn't anything special. And you had loads of girls dying to be yours who were so much prettier than me."

"Well, I guess it had something to do with the fact that you stood up to me. You never tried to change yourself just to impress me and that impressed me. I looked at you and you were so fiery and temperamental and smart." He looked at her. "And beautiful. I always thought you were prettier than all the girls in this school. You're red hair that just falls on your shoulders and those green eyes of yours. Piercing and soft all at once. I loved that. I loved how you always smoothed out your robes once you sat down, then tucked your hair behind your ears before you ate anything. How when you looked down, this curtain would fall in front of your face. How you could never hide your emotions because your eyes always turned darker when you were upset or angry and lightened when you smiled or wanted to. How you always had the nerve to tell me off and never let me get away with things. God, Lily, you drove me crazy. All rules and no fun. I hated that and yet, it always gave me a chance to talk to you because you hated when I did something inappropriate and always bothered to tell me so. I loved how when you got frustrated with me, you would hunch your shoulders to your ears and tense your back. Your hands would curl into fists as if you would have thumped me if you weren't so proper. How your ears turned the same red as your hair and how your eyes would look like they were made of green fire. How your hair seemed to puff up like a mad cat's fur." He trailed off. She was looking up at him, her cheek touching his shoulder, her eyes were beaming. Suddenly, he was caught with such an urge to kiss her that he had to obey. Without thinking of the consequences, he lowered his face and pressed his lips to hers.

Her eyes widened. What was he doing? He, James Potter was kissing her, Lily Evans! Oh my god, it felt so good. What was she thinking? What was he thinking? God, she wasn't thinking about anything. Just about his lips, so soft, and the gentleness with which he was kissing. She'd never been kissed this good before. And then, she found herself kissing back. Their lips came together and she opened her mouth and, was that his tongue?, and he was kissing her and he tasted so good. Instinctively, her hand reached up and tangled itself in the soft black hair at the nape of his neck. It was heaven, sitting under that old oak tree, kissing. He shifted slightly to find a more comfortable position, his lips never leaving hers as he moved and pretty soon, Lily was practically lying down, her back against the trunk and he was lying beside her, the top half of his body on top of hers, his hands were on the side of her face and they were lost in the sensation of each other's kisses. His tongue explored her mouth and she moaned softly in her throat. His hands moved from her face to her chest and he began kneading the soft flesh under his fingers. She gasped as a feeling, unbidden, filled her. But it felt so pleasant she couldn't let him stop and moved her body closer to his. His nimble fingers began undoing the buttons on her jumper; somehow he was able to do this with one hand because his other snaked down her body and under her skirt. Lily moaned, all coherent thought flying from her mind as a fire blazed between her legs. His fingers were doing wicked things to her and she was moving with them, arching her back against them, bidding them to touch her harder. But James was being such a gentleman, touching her softly, gently as the final button came undone. Her eyes snapped open as his lips attacked her chest; he removed his hand from her skirt and reached under her, unhooking her bra, and suddenly, the spell broke. She gave a little shriek and pushed him off, covering herself. He rolled off her and watched her, confused.

"No." She cried her voice barely above a whisper. "No. James, I can't. I'm sorry." She fumbled with her bra, hooking it and closed her shirt with trembling fingers. "I can't believe I just did that." And with a sob, she pushed herself off the ground and before James could call for her, was gone.

She had looked so surprised. Almost as if she'd been under hypnosis and once he'd exposed her breasts, she'd woken up. James lay back, running a hand through his soft black hair. Now he was back to square one. She wouldn't trust him now, certainly not. And he'd come so close. _What were you thinking? You knew she was off limits. _He berated himself. The raging in his trousers was pinching quite painfully now.

"Dammit." He groaned. He could still taste her, still feel her skin underneath his fingertips, still hear her moaning softly as he touched her. "I am such an idiot." He stood and gathered the picnic things. With a wave of his wand, they disappeared into the kitchens. Sighing, he walked to his dorm and flopped on the bed without taking off his shoes.

"James?! James, we know you're in there. Let us in!" Sirius shouted through the wall. He groaned. Now was not the best time to be interrogated by his friends.

"Come in." he muttered, figuring that they'd get in somehow; they always did. Sirius, and Remus came bursting in and they jumped on the bed with him.

"We were coming to look for you and then we saw Lily. She was running faster than I've ever seen, I think she was crying too. I asked her if she'd seen you but she just started to cry harder and run faster. What'd you do to her?" Sirius demanded, poking a finger at James' chest. "Tell us everything. We won't leave here and we won't stop bugging you until you tell us. What's going on?"

"Padfoot, please. I don't want to talk about it." James rolled, turning his back on his friends.

"No! You'll tell us. You've been hiding something from us and we want to know. Come on, we're your best mates."

"You promise you won't tell anyone, not a soul, what I'm about to tell you?" He faced them again, no hint of playfulness in his voice, seriousness emanating from the beautiful hazel orbs that gazed at two confused boys.

"Yeah. Of course we won't tell." Remus assured. James sat up and leaned against the headboard, running a hand through the soft, messy fluff on top of his head.

"Okay. Nothing leaves this room," he waited until his friends nodded then started again, "Lily was raped. And I found her and she was a mess. God, he messed her up real bad. There were bruises all over her and- and she was crying, sobbing her heart out. And this is Lily. Cold, mean, ice-queen Lily, crying like a baby. Now she can't sleep and can't concentrate. He threatened her and she's bloody scared out of her mind." James groaned and put his face into his hands. "And then she starts to trust me. I mean, she begins to trust me. You know that night I spent with her? That was cause he was going to hurt her. So I suggested she come here and we talked. For once, it wasn't that she was yelling at me for something that I'd done and I wasn't trying to get her mad at me. We were just talking, like two friends. And I told her how I felt and it was going so good. And then, I helped her and I gained her trust and she bloody trusted me. And then, and then-" he stopped there. "Oh god, I was so stupid. Today I skived off dinner so I could bring her food and we went out to the lake and it was terrific. Just us and we were having a good time, just talking, you know? And it was really fantastic. And I kissed her."

"You kissed her?" Remus interjected, horrified. "James, she had just been raped. And you kissed her?"

"Well, she didn't tell me to stop, so I didn't. She lay down and I was kissing her and god, she tastes bloody fantastic and it got- hot and I started taking off her jumper and my hand went under her skirt and-"

"Hold on, you were touching her too?!" Remus was mad now. Sirius hadn't said a word, only gawped incredulously at James. He looked stunned, envious, impressed and disgusted all at once and the effect was rather comical if James hadn't been feeling so miserable.

"No, Mooney, hold on." James held up a placating hand. "She was having a good time. She was- reacting-" he blushed, "but in a good way. Then her jumper came off completely and she freaked on me. I would have stopped if she had told me but she seemed to be having a good time and I know I should have stopped but- the way she was kissing and the way she tasted- I just couldn't and I kept telling myself to stop but she kept egging me on and then she flipped. I know, I know, I'm a prat and a horny bastard but good lord-" he groaned and his voice cracked, "now I've gone and betrayed her trust and now she's going to hate me. Just when I thought we were getting along finally, I just had to pull something like this. I'm such a godawful idiot." And he was. James looked up and his friends were surprised and concerned to see that tears were welling up in his eyes. "I had her trust and I had her friendship. Why'd I go and do something so stupid?"

"Hey James, it's okay. It'll be okay. I'm sure she'll forgive you." Sirius placed a hand on his friend's shoulder and when James threw him a disbelieving glare, added quickly, "Eventually."

"It's just that- what if she never does? I mean, god, I came so close and then- I'm so bloody stupid!" he burst out, slamming his fist on the bed.

"Come on, Prongs. What were you thinking?" Remus watched his friend sternly.

"I don't know!" James wailed. "I don't know! I kept telling myself to stop and I know I should have but she kept moaning and it was all so terrific that I couldn't stop. I wanted to and I would have if she had asked. I just thought that she was having a good time and maybe she was but- oh, I dunno. It's all so confusing." He buried his face in his hands again. "I will never understand the female gender."

"I think you should apologize to her. Go on." Remus shoved James off the bed. "Go apologize to her."

"But- but," James stammered, picking himself off the floor.

"GO!" he thundered and James stared before turning and walking out of the room. He made his way through the halls and up the stairs until he came to her room. He muttered the password to the portrait and it opened for him. Praying that she wouldn't hex him or curse him or refuse to listen to him, he stepped through the threshold. _Please Lily. What I did tonight was stupid, I know, but please, give me another chance._

A/N: Haha. Evil cliffie. . Will Lily hex him? Will she listen to him? What will James say to plead his case to her?

Thanks to everyone who reviewed… and I am very sorry to say that since I have no idea what will happen next (and the evil pile of summer homework that I swear is feeding off my socks and growing) will prevent me from updating quickly but I will do my very best to get the next chapter to you as soon as possible.


	12. chapter twelve

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling's characters, not mine.

"Lily?" His soft voice assaulted her ears. She flinched; he was the last person she wanted to see. She heard him walk up to her but kept her back turned to him. "Lily, please, listen to me." She closed her eyes. She wanted to stay mad, wanted to ignore him and all her emotions were fighting within her.

"What do you want?" she hissed, still turned away from him.

"Just for you to listen to me." James was in front of her now and he bent his head to look into her eyes. She avoided his gaze. "Please?" How the hell was she supposed to stay mad when he sounded so piteous? She didn't answer. Didn't trust herself to say anything at all. He took a deep breath and she knew he was steeling himself for her furious shouts. When she didn't reply, didn't even acknowledge his pleas, he exhaled noisily and inhaled again. "Look Lily, I know you're angry with me and you have every right to be. I just hope that you'll at least have the heart to hear what I have to say? I- I know what I did tonight was wrong and I know that I shouldn't have- well, you know but please, I need you to listen to me. Please?"

"Dammit, James!" She suddenly burst out, whirling on him. "You took advantage of me! You- you were only being nice to me so you'd- you'd get me in the sack! I trusted you, Potter. I trusted you and you were only trying to gain that trust so you'd get what you've wanted for so long and then after that, you'd just ditch me like everyone else does. I don't need that shit. So if you don't mind, I want you out of my sight. I never want to speak to you again and if you so much as say one word to me, so help me, I'll curse you so fully that your own parents won't recognize you." She watched triumphantly as his face drained of color. It felt good to wipe the sneer off his face, be the one who came out on top for once. _But he was trying to apologize for his actions. There was no sneer on his face. He was practically begging you to listen to him. Why couldn't you give him a second chance? _A voice reminded her. She shook her head and brushed away the thoughts. "Get out." And to her surprise, he obeyed. But right before the portrait slammed shut behind him, he turned and gave her one last look. His eyes spoke of hurt, regret, resignation, and underneath all that, love. It took her by surprise but next moment, she was sure she had imagined it because he turned away and her view of his back was cut off as the door sealed. She stood staring after him a long while and tried to suppress the guilt that was bubbling like acid in her stomach. _No good feeling guilty now. It's too late. He's going to forget about you and move on. You'll be all alone and there won't be anyone to help you. _That snide little voice was back and, next thing she knew, a dismayed cry had choked from her throat and she threw herself on the bed and cried herself to sleep.

James hurtled through his portrait. His friends, who were sitting on his bed, looked up from their homework. Without a word, James ran into the bathroom and slammed the door shut. From inside, Sirius and Remus could hear him storming about, cursing. When he came out again, he had changed into a t-shirt and boxers and his face was pale but oddly acquiescent.

"What happened?" Sirius asked immediately. "She hex you?" he scrutinized the bespectacled boy in front of him. "Doesn't look like there's anything wrong with you."

"She accused me of being nice just to get in her knickers. Then she threatened to curse me if I ever spoke to her again."

"Wow." Sirius whistled almost gleefully. James threw him a dirty look and flopped on the bed beside his friends.

"So what should I do now? Persistence never hurts but I don't want to risk making her even angrier with me."

"Let her cool off. I'm sure she'll come around." Remus scratched out a sentence on the parchment in his lap. "She's just upset right now. Once she calms down, maybe she'll give you a chance." James wasn't so sure. She had looked pretty adamant when she thrust her wand in his face. He was so used to them not bickering constantly that he didn't think he could go back to the way things were before.

"We were getting along so well." He groaned, still berating himself. "God, I cannot believe I was so STUPID!"

"Ah, come on. We all make mistakes, mate. It's a part of life." Sirius patted him on the back, fighting the smirk that threatened to arise on his handsome face.

"Not one's could possibly be as stupid as mine." Sirius opened his mouth, no doubt to make a witty remark and Remus, sensing this, punched him on the arm and shook his head. Then James realized that one member of their group was missing. "Hey, where's Wormtail? I haven't been seeing him around lately."

"We really don't know. He gets in after we're all sleeping and leaves before we wake up." Sirius shrugged, not too concerned. He never really liked the hero-worshipping boy in the first place but James had had pity on the little wizard with no special abilities and allowed him to tag along.

"Look, I need to be alone. Could you-?"

"Leaving." Remus collected his books and parchment in a neat pile and dropped it into his bag. Sirius was still trying too hard not to laugh at his miserable friend but a tug on his elbow and pointed look from Remus reminded him of what he should be doing. When they left, James flicked the remnants of a broken quill left behind onto the floor and stretched out on his bed, hands under his head. With a careless wave of his wand, the curtains hid him from view and he was free to stare wretchedly at the red cloth ceiling above his head.

Flashback

"Leave him alone," Lily repeated. She was looking at James with every sign of great dislike. "What's he done to you?"

"Well," said James, appearing to deliberate the point, "it's more the fact that he _exists_, if you know what I mean…" (1) Everyone watching the little spectacle had laughed. Everyone but Moony, who had turned a blind eye to the whole scene and Lily hadn't either. She had only looked at him in disgust.

"You think you're funny," she said coldly. "But you're just an arrogant, bullying toerag, Potter. Leave him _alone._" (1) She had put special emphasis on the word. But he hadn't done what she asked- no, demanded more like. He had to keep going, hadn't he?

"Messing up your hair because you think it looks cool to look like you've just got off your broomstick, showing off with that stupid Snitch, walking down corridors and hexing anyone who annoys you just because you can—I'm surprised your brookstick can get off the ground with that fat head on it. You make me SICK." She had spat and stalked away, her hair almost standing on end.

End flashback

He groaned and shook his head. The mere memory of it brought a dull red flush of shame. He had had to keep talking, hadn't he? He just had to get her to notice him, hadn't he? Always loud and rambunctious just to provoke a reaction from her. He was always trying to get her to pay attention to him and was so concerned over the fact that he completely forgot, or never even knew, that it was his antics that caused her to hate him with such a passion.

"I really was an arrogant little berk, wasn't I?" he muttered darkly to himself.

"Yes, dearie. I would say you were." A tired, wheezy voice spoke. James shot up and flung the curtains open, looking around the darkening room for the source. It turned out to be his mirror. Embarrassed, he allowed his body to go limp again.

"How would you know?" he grumbled, more to himself than the bewitched mirror.

"Well, the previous Head Boy was _constantly _in here, complaining to himself and anything that would listen about a Mr. James Potter." The mirror adopted a whine, now sounding like a very spoiled little child. "Potter's been at it again! Hexing the first years after the Welcoming Feast. Bewitching the armor to lunge at unsuspecting passers-by on Halloween, all while wearing horrid furry werewolf masks complete with fangs and claws." It dropped the whine. "And when I heard that the great Mr. Potter _himself_ would be the next Head Boy, well! I said to Dumbledore, I said, 'Have you gone mad?' and he only chuckled."

"What else did he say?" James asked sarcastically. His talking companion was only to happy to answer the rhetorical question.

"He was also _constantly_ belly-aching that you made it a point to let everyone in the whole school know just how good a Quidditch player you are. Messing up your hair and the like." James cringed. "Well, you may have gone overboard on some of your practical jokes, and okay, you know you are the greatest Quidditch player at this school and make it your business to remind every living thing that you are and sure you must have annoyed the hell out of that girl- what was her name?- anyways, you must have bothered that poor girl to the point of no return and you might have constantly hexed your inferiors, which was just about everyone, and you may have been a womanizing letch," here it paused, "um, dear? What was I saying again?"

"You were listing all my faults." He said, teeth clenched so tightly his words were slightly muffled. He would have liked nothing better than to chuck his schoolbooks at it but thought twice. It would be sure to scream at the top of its lungs, alerting every teacher in the school who would then punish him for trying to break 'school property.' He certainly didn't need something else for Lily to throw back in his face.

"Well, you may have been all those things and a lot more from what I've gathered but you know, you're not all that bad. Not from what I've seen so far. You're a good friend and those are hard to come by nowadays."

"Thanks, I suppose." He stuttered, making a mental note to tell Dumbledore that the mirror in his room was either mental or very wise. _Both.__ It hit the mark. Every last thing it said was true and you know it, Potter. You are far, FAR from being the perfect person that you have always considered yourself to be. 'Fess up. You need to change or at least make it more obvious that you have already if you want to impress Lily. She won't be backing down so easy with this one. _The little voice in his head was always so quick to point out what he wanted to ignore. Did it have to be so blunt? It could at least soften the sharp edges. James shrugged. Reality always hurt and he'd been living with an exaggerated picture for so long that it stung even more. In any case, he would be doing a lot to convince her that he was not as arrogant as he was before. He had to beat it, subtly of course, into her mind that he had humbled himself. He knew it was going to be difficult; she was sure to be even colder towards him now but he was determined to succeed.

A/N: Well? I have several ideas of where this will go and I like all of them. The problem is, they're all so different that I'm not sure if I can incorporate all those ideas into one or if I have to end up picking just one… I'll try writing out several versions of the chapter and see which the best is but it could take me awhile! And I've worked out a schedule to balance that stupid summer homework out so I get it done but I'm also going to have more free time to work on this! Yay!

(1): excerpts from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix by J.K. Rowling.


	13. chapter thirteen

Disclaimer: These characters are not mine. The plot, however, is.

Lily sighed and brushed a lock of her hair out of her face. It was a warm day and outside, the grounds looked spectacular. The sun was shining brightly and there was not a cloud in the sky. She glared out the window, wishing storm clouds and the whole thunder-and-lightning bit. Whatever demon that had decided to make the weather so absolutely beautiful was deliberately trying to torture her. It had been about five days since her falling out with James and since then, his demeanor had been subdued. He was no longer constantly vying to be the center of attention, his spell work had improved significantly, and he was being more considerate to the other students in general.

"Miss Evans, kindly direct your attention up here to me, rather than outside. I know it's a nice day and you would all prefer to be outside but as it cannot be helped, pay attention, if you please." Professor McGonagall's stern voice rose from the front of the class. Lily jumped slightly and her head snapped toward the professor who was eyeing her with concern. She could hear snickers from the rest of the class but a look from Professor McGonagall and they were silenced immediately. Moments later however, a wad of parchment flew across the room and hit Lily squarely on the side of the head. This caused no reaction from her at all; she was so used to it, she had learned years ago that it would do no good to let it provoke a response. It would only goad her classmates even more. She sighed again and stared, with glassy eyes, at her professor. When the bell rang, she stood and joined the eager crowd of students leaving the classroom.

"Miss Evans, I would like a word with you." She stopped and turned around, fighting her way back to the professor's desk. "Lily, are you- well? You seem a bit distracted and it's not like you to be distracted."

"No, no, Professor McGonagall. I'm perfectly fine. It's just the weather was so pretty and I couldn't help myself. I'm sorry Professor. It won't happen again."

"Hmm, well, if you say so." The older woman looked apprehensive. "You best get to your next class, Lily. You wouldn't want to be late, would you?"

"No, ma'am." She shook her head then scurried from the class. She practically flew down the corridors and leapt down the flights of stairs and at the bottom of one, smacked right into someone and tumbled backwards. Strong hands gripped her arms and prevented her from falling on the hard stone steps.

"Whoa. Someone's in a hurry. May I ask where we're off to on this fine day?" James' deep voice sounded pleased to see her.

"Get out of my way, Potter." She pushed him and took off again, her heart beating faster than normal. Why he had such an effect on her, she didn't know. How he could put such a spell over her without using his wand or an incantation, she had yet to find out. One thing she knew for sure was that she wanted so badly to hate him, hate the whole male gender, in fact. But something deep inside her wouldn't allow her to breed such loathing. It was starting to seriously bother her.

At lunch, she sat down at the end of the table and ladled herself a small portion of stew. As she ate, she listened to the snatches of conversation that wafted her way, feeling lonelier than if she was really alone in her room. So many people and not one of them even noticed that she was there.

"Hello Lily." She glanced up, slightly happy that someone had taken the time to greet her but it was only James. She ignored him and went back to eating though she felt a flush heating up her face. _Say hi back. Say something. ANYTHING! Come on. This is your chance. You fancy him, right? _Lily bit her lip. _NO! I do not! He is a blackguard and a conceited infuriating prat! I do not fancy him! Stop telling me that I do! I'm not ready for anything of that sort. I'm not ready for a relationship. NO! _Her emotions were roiling; everything was turning upside down and inside out. _What about a friend? You NEED a friend. Let him be your friend, at the very least. _It made sense, really. She did need a shoulder to cry on, someone who would drop everything just to listen to her, let her get everything out, the hurt, anger, confusion, and all the emotions that were bubbling up inside her. She needed a friend who would be her outlet, who would be willing to take upon themselves the burden of helping her heal, gain closure about her rape. And here he was, practically offering to be this friend and she was pulling back with all the strength that she had. The bell rang, signaling the start of afternoon classes and she bent down to pick up her bag but it wasn't where she had left it. "Here." James had it in his hand. She took it from him, surprised that he had stayed sitting beside her when she had obviously frozen him out. She slung it over her shoulder and followed the crowd out of the Great Hall, half-expecting him to follow her. But he didn't. He gently pushed her aside and met up with his friends who were a few feet ahead of her.

The rest of the week passed in a haze and Lily welcomed the coming of the weekend. On Saturday, she slept in and when she finally decided to get out of bed, it was already time for lunch. She ran down a flight of stairs and again, bumped right into James.

"We just keep meeting like this, huh, Lily?" James chuckled and helped her up. "Sorry about that. I wasn't watching where I was going." She opened her mouth but he held his hands up, palms out, "I know. I'm not supposed to say anything. I'll be going now." He turned and bounded up, taking the steps two at a time. _See? Every time you speak to him, he thinks it's because you're mad. _A bit disturbed at his thoughtfulness and his lack of persistence, she headed to lunch. Afterward, she retrieved a book that she had wanted to read for quite a while but never got a chance to and walked along the grounds to her favorite tree. It had a huge trunk to support its massive height and the trunk was gnarled with age. Sitting underneath its branches thick with leaves meant protection from the scorching sun and a respite from the heat of the day. Entranced by the lyrical flow of words printed across the page, she did not notice the group of three boys that sat on the other side of the tree until they began to talk.

"Come on, Prongs. What's the matter with you? You're not still moping about what happened between you and Evans, are you?" Sirius practically whined. Her ears perked up and she dropped the book. _Don't eavesdrop. What if you hear something they don't want you to hear? Or what if they say something and you misunderstand it? It would lead to a lot of trouble. Don't do it. _But the temptation was too great and completely hidden by the thick trunk Lily leaned in closer to hear their words.

"No, I'm not." Audible sighs of relief. "I've decided that I'll simply have to PROVE it to her."

"Prove what, James? Face it, you're not meant to be with her." _What?! _

"What if I am, huh? Answer me that, Padfoot." James sounded irritated with his friends' lack of enthusiasm for his plans.

"Prongs, wake up! She blinking hates you! She's hated you for seven years and it's not going to happen anytime soon! You don't want to spend the rest of your life pining for a girl that you can never have. That IS why you like her, isn't it? Because she's the only girl who won't have you and you LOVE a challenge." The boy known as Padfoot retorted.

"What if we're meant to be together and because I give up now, I'll never find out? It's the whole possibility of having a relationship with her that's driving me crazy. Do you realize that what I feel for her is different than what I feel for the other girls that I've dated? It's different. I don't know why and I certainly don't know how but it's different. I just don't think that I can go through life without ever finding out. I need to know. And if it's not meant to be, then well, what can I do about it? But I have to know."

"We realize that but you're going to end up getting killed. You have to stand up for yourself, Prongs. If Malfoy or Snivellus attack you, what are you going to do? Invite them for tea? They're going to realize you're not willing to fight them and they'll take advantage of that. We can't bail you out of it every time like we did today. I'm just saying, is all this trouble really worth it?" _James Potter refusing to duel with his arch-enemies?__ What the hell is going on?_

"Yes, it's worth it." James snapped. "And I had everything under control. I didn't need you two to help."

"That's bollocks. You were on the floor, coughing up blood. And your wand wasn't even in sight? What would they have done to you if we hadn't come along? Look at you, you're a bloody mess. And I think you should go to Madame Pomfrey and get that gash on your arm repaired. It's bleeding like mad and you're already peaky enough as it is."

"I don't need to go, Padfoot. I'm fine." He sounded like a two year old whining about going to bed.

"You're going, James if we have to immobilize you and carry you there ourselves." Remus' voice was full of quiet authority. _Why can't he be like this with them all the time? _

"I'm Head Boy. I can put you in detention for that." And Lily could just imagine him puffing out his chest and pointing self-righteously at the badge pinned to his robes.

"Don't make this any harder, Prongs. Unless you can heal that yourself, I suggest we go to Pomfrey. It can't hurt. Just say that it was a spell gone awry."

"Yeah, right." James snorted, "Like she'll believe me."

"Fine then. Say you were flying your broomstick around the grounds and you hit some turbulence so you fell off and gored yourself on a tree branch. You're good at acting, so just go and be a pitiful mess and she'll feel too sorry for you to ask any further questions."

"Me? Fall off my broomstick? That's never happened and never will happen."

"Then YOU make something up." Sirius growled. It was silent and tense for a moment then James sighed.

"Ok, ok. I'll go." She heard some rustling and after that, footsteps. And they were coming her way. Quickly, she hid her face in her book, praying that they wouldn't see her and they didn't. She chanced a glance and almost let out a gasp that would have given her away. James was being supported by both his friends, one on either side of him. He had a wide gash on his arm in the middle of which she could see a glint of white. He had numerous small cuts and bruises on his face and it truly did look like he had taken a rather nasty fall off a fast-flying broom. _See what happened? He's trying to prove something to you and look what happened to him! _The group hobbled down the path and into the castle, leaving her to her very jumbled thoughts.__

"Mr. Potter! Have you been fighting again?!" The school nurse shrieked angrily. He was sitting on a bed and the nurse was holding his arm up.

"No, I haven't been. I promise." He protested half-heartedly.

"Then, tell me how you managed to procure this rather nasty abrasion." She was stern, as she always was when a student came to her injured. Her manner was harsh and firm but she was truly concerned for the well-being of the students and hated it when they hurt themselves needlessly. James was a frequent visitor in her ward. Between his manic obsession with Quidditch and his knack for attracting trouble, he popped in and out of the hospital wing so often that one day, Madame Pomfrey had remarked, with some amount of exasperation that she ought to reserve a bed to be ready for him at all hours of the day.

"Well, it was such a nice day and I figured that I ought to go for a ride on my broom. A gust of wind caught me by surprise and I fell off."

"A mere gust of wind caused the legendary James Potter to fall off his broom? And I suppose you _conveniently _managed to be above a tree and oh, let me guess, you're arm got caught on a thorn of some sort? Is that right?" Her beady eyes glinted with amusement as she watched the boy wriggle uncomfortably. _She saw right through me way too easily. _He thought to himself.

"Actually, yes. That's what happened."

"I'll let you off today, James." She pursed her lips and examined the cut again. "Well, it's easy enough to heal, I should think. Let me just disinfect it. Goodness knows where you went before your friends managed to convince you to come see me." The nurse bustled off, tutting to herself about careless students. When she returned, a bottle of some nasty-looking black-brownish liquid was clutched in her hand. She popped the cork and poured liberal amounts onto the open wound. It bubbled and hissed horribly and James let out a yell. "Hush. It doesn't sting that much." _Like hell it doesn't._ He fumed silently. When the pain subsided, she lightly touched the tip of her wand to the injury and a soft blue light engulfed the skin around the cut and when it disappeared, the skin was completely healed.

"Thanks." He grinned, moving his arm.

"Do try and keep from getting yourself injured any time this next week. I need a holiday from seeing you."

"Sure thing, Madame Pomfrey." He hopped off the hospital bed and walked from the wing, waving at her over his shoulder. When he was sure the nurse couldn't see him, he broke into a run. He was going to get back at Malfoy, no matter how much detention time it earned him.  
"Password?" The Fat Lady demanded.

"Umm, see the thing is-"

"No password, no entry." She wagged her finger at him. "You know that, Mr. Potter."

"Oh come on, just this once?" he pleaded. She was just about to retort crossly but then she opened anyway.

"I-it's the Head Boy." A small, nervous boy stammered to his friend. They gave him frightened glances and scurried away. He clambered through the hole and flopped into a squashy armchair by the window in the Common Room.

"Hello Prongs. Feeling better, are we?" Sirius said, not bothering to look up from his homework. He was scribbling furiously on the parchment, crossing out lines and muttering darkly to himself about the beneficial uses of dragon's blood in many healing or restoring potions. His handsome face was contorted as he reread the essay. "Dammit!" he suddenly burst out, flinging his quill across the room causing several second years also working on last-minute homework to jump and glare indignantly at him. "Do you have any idea how much homework I have? They're trying to kill us, they are!"

"If you hadn't left it all to the last minute, you wouldn't be having this problem. I TOLD you to work on it. But no, you went out and had a fun-filled night with that curvaceous Vanessa Bradley and now you're behind in every subject. WHEN are you going to get a work ethic?" Remus shook his head, peering at his friends from over the top of the thick volume he was currently engrossed in.

"Vanessa Bradley is a much more interesting subject to STUDY," Sirius waggled his eyebrows suggestively, "than Potions. How behind are you, Prongsy ol' pal?"

"I'm finished." This declaration brought on snorts of disbelief and two pairs of eyes narrowing at him.

"No, I'm being serious, Prongs. You can't be worse off than me. It's nothing to be ashamed of."

"I'm being serious too, mate. I'm finished with everything."

"Everything?!" Remus put down his book. James nodded proudly. The reactions of his friends were worth capturing on camera, a gadget he was currently without. "Are you sure? You have NEVER finished all your homework at least two days before it's due."

"Prongs, you'll be my friend and help me with all this junk, right?" Sirius batted his eyelashes at James, an action that melted any girl in his path. However, James, being a boy, was immune to Sirius' manly charms.

"Hmmm," James pretended to think hard, "I don't think so."

"Please? I got another date with Vanessa Bradley and everything's due TOMORROW so I need to get it done NOW."

"Then stop begging me and get to work."

"Dammit. You're either under a spell cast on you by Evans or you've just gone completely mad." Sirius huffed and fell silent, concentrating on the parchment in front of him. Remus returned to his book and James stared out the window, debating with himself whether it was really worth it to have his revenge on Malfoy and risk proving to Lily that he really was an arse. It was all too confusing. Most of the time, he felt mixed emotions about Lily Evans. He didn't know whether he wanted more to hex her or kiss her and sometimes it felt like he would burst if he didn't do both. She was infuriating but underneath her prickles, she was someone who he loved spending time with. She could be such a stickler for rules but had a sense of humor that had yet to fully emerge. _Gods, who knew all this could be so befuddling? I don't understand. Half the time I hate her, then the other half I fancy her. It doesn't make any sense at all. It was so much easier when girls were just cootie-infested monsters and my job was to make sure they didn't infect me with their germs. ARGH!! So what am I supposed to do now?_

A/N: Ok, I feel like I've dragged their conflict far enough so HOPEFULLY (unless Lily and James want to fight some more… or something else happens) I'll get started on bringing them together… this chapter was mainly fluff but plot-forwarding fluff… I think. Right now, I'm just seeing where this will take me. Review… I'll be much more inclined to keep writing if you do!


	14. chapter fourteen

Disclaimer: these characters are not mine.

"Potter. So we meet again." A cold voice drawled carelessly. It belonged to a white-blonde boy of average height with lips perpetually curled into a sneer and blue eyes that flashed contemptibly at anyone who dared cross his path.

"Yes and I must say, these meetings are really starting to get on my last nerves." James snarled. His wand was pointed directly at his opponent who, likewise, had his wand out. "Get out of my way."

"Why don't you make me?" He eyed James with a goading expression hitched on his narrow face.

"Get out of my way, Malfoy or I'll- I'll be forced to give you detention." The boy known as Malfoy laughed.

"Oh really? I'd like to see you try." James' hand instinctively tightened around his wand and he crouched slightly, ready to jump out of the way of any curses thrown at him. He really wasn't in the mood to see Madame Pomfrey again and he HAD promised her after all. No, Lucius Malfoy would rue the day he challenged James Potter.

"I said, Get out of my way!" He tried to shove his way past Lucius but the blonde was ready for him.

"_Tarantallegra_" Malfoy shouted triumphantly sure that James wouldn't have time to react. But he was wildly mistaken.

"_Protego_" The spell bounced off the shield he'd created and hit Malfoy instead. His legs began to move wildly and try as he might, he could not get them under his control. "Detention, Malfoy. And don't think I'm going to forget this either. You're going to pay for ambushing me the other day; I'll see to it that in the end, you scurry away with your tail tucked between your legs."

"Yeah? We'll see about that." Malfoy snapped back, trying to get his legs under his control.

"The next time you try, I'll be waiting and when I'm through with you, you're going to wish you had never even heard of me." He stood and stalked off to report this latest infraction to Professor McGonagall.

"_Finite._" Malfoy pointed his wand at his legs and they went limp. He struggled to his feet and stuck out his wand in front of him, pointing it directly at James head. But the messy-haired boy had already disappeared down the corridor. He was still seething that Malfoy would pull something like that AGAIN and in his anger, he didn't notice where he was going.

"Mr. Potter, are you coming in or going out? Or are you just going to stand in the doorway all day?" Madame Pince's stern voice broke over him and he looked up, startled.

"Oh, sorry." He nodded his head at her before stepping inside. It was quiet and the faint smell of parchment hung around the air. Soft murmurings were the only sounds apart from the rustling of parchment or the scratching of quills. Every now and then laughter could be heard but it was always stifled quickly lest Madame Pince kick the offender out. He walked between the shelves and ran his fingers lightly across the books as he walked, stopping only when something caught his eye. He brought back a stack of books to a corner in the library, settling down into a small plush chair that he'd conjured up. Sighing contentedly, he opened a book so old that it creaked when he did.

"Well, well, well. James Potter? In the library and not causing any sort of trouble at all?" He looked up into the grinning face of Zachariah. A black rage suddenly filled him and he slammed the book shut.

"What do you want, Zachariah?" His hands twitched with the urge to grab the boy by his throat and throttle him until he was dead.

"I was just wondering whether the rumors were true." Zachariah knelt down and whispered into James' ear, "I heard you'd gotten Lily in bed."

"What!" James jumped up, knocking over the chair and his stack of books. "Who the hell told you that?"

"Oh, the grapevine, you know." Zachariah shrugged and James snatched up his collar.

"Who the hell told you?" he shook Zachariah fiercely.

"Fine, fine, Potter. You don't have to get violent." James let go of him and Zachariah brushed himself off. "Now, I heard from a Marianne Lewis that you took her on a picnic and afterward, went back to your room for a little- shall we say?- fun." He grinned sadistically at James. "She's good, isn't she? The little slut just feels so-"

"SHUT UP!" James shouted and pushed Zachariah, who fell backward, hitting his head on the bookshelf behind him.

"Mr. Potter!" Madame Pince appeared out of nowhere and swooped upon the boys. "Fighting in the library? Really, you're Head Boy, Mr. Potter. You should know better!" She brandished her wand at them. "I catch you fighting in here again and I'll give you two weeks' worth of detention AND I'll talk with Professor McGonagall."

"Yes, Madame Pince. I understand." James glared hatefully at Zachariah. The other boy stood and straightened his robes, grinning viciously at James. He leaned in and murmured something into his ear and James' hazel eyes widened and he stared, horrified, after Zachariah.

"He's not getting his hands on her again." His fists clenched and he made to go after him but stopped when Madame Pince cleared her throat.

"Clear this up, Potter," she waved at the overturned chair and the books scattered haphazardly about. He waved his wand at the chair and it disappeared with a small pop and he levitated the books into neat stacks. "Thank you. You may go now." He nodded and jogged out the door, running straight into Lily.

"Do watch where you're going, Potter!" She grumbled reproachfully. _Why can't he be more careful, the arse._

"L-Lily? I-I'm s-sorry." He stared blankly at her and she raised her eyebrows. He was acting strangely, even for James.

"What's wrong?" she inquired and the look he gave her was very odd. "You look like you've just spotted a ghost."

"H-ha." He chuckled weakly. "What gave you that idea? Listen, Lily, I know you're still sore at me but listen, change the password to your room right now and stay inside, at least for tonight."

"Why? What's going on, James?"

"N-nothing. It's just- nothing. But please, take my advice." And with that, he was gone in a flash. Lily stood stock-still staring after him. That was very strange indeed. _You should listen to him. _But she shook her head and brushed off the whole encounter off as James having ingested too many sugary sweets from Honeydukes. Wandering around the bookshelves, running her fingers over the dusty, leather-bound volumes all the while smelling the slight scent of old parchment that wafted around was one of her favorite activities. She felt that it calmed her nerves, especially when dealing with unwanted attentions or too heavy a workload. She deftly removed several books from a few shelves and, once she felt she had enough, made her way back to her room where she dropped them onto her bed. _You really should listen to what James said. He looked really serious. _A tiny, nagging doubt kept tugging at her mind but she ignored it, turning her attentions instead onto the drapes which she threw open, allowing warm, golden sunshine to stream into her room. _Why won't you listen to him? What did he do to you? _There it was again and it was beginning to get very annoying. Lily tugged a plush chair right in front of the window, in the center of the light, grabbed a book and opened it eagerly.

But as much as she wanted to concentrate on the far off worlds and thrilling plots that the book offered her, she just couldn't. _Listen to him. He was only trying to be your friend. _Lily groaned and out of sheer frustration threw the book across the room. _If he was only trying to be my friend, why the hell was he trying to get my blouse off? _Why WAS she so reluctant to give James the benefit of the doubt? Why did she try SO hard to find every little flaw that he possessed although she knew deep down how many good qualities he had as well. She stared out the window, eyes trained not on the grounds but on something only she could see, a thoughtful expression hitched on her face.  
_You are being so stubborn! It was one time. One time! And you know you were asking for it. You ENCOURAGED him. I'm sure that if you had asked him to stop, he would have stopped. He's not like that._

_ How do you know? You can never be too careful. What if he's just a good actor? What if he's only pretending?_

_ Well, that's just a risk you'll have to take._

_ It's a risk I'm not WILLING to take. I will NOT be taken advantage of._

_ Then you'll live your life forever wondering and never happy. What of that, eh? You want to be happy, then you have to take the risk. Being happy is never without any risk. Just do it, already. Trust your heart and stop over-analyzing everything._

_ I can't do that._

Lily groaned. That was no help at all. The only thing she had accomplished was confusing herself even more. She dropped her head into her hands and sighed noisily.

"What's the matter, love? Lonely?" A wicked voice snaked into her ear and she jumped up. _NO._ "That's okay, I'll take care of that." And hands grabbed at her hair and she whimpered.

"Get away from me, Zachariah." She whispered shakily, trying to fight him off. He leaned in and nibbled her earlobe. She moved her head away from him but he captured her head in his hands and his lips found hers. "No." she pushed at his chest with her hands but he was too strong. "No, get away from me. Not again."

"You heard her! Get the fuck away from her." She glimpsed red light before Zachariah slumped to the floor and knocked her over, a dead weight pinning her to the ground. "Lily! Lily, you okay? Oh god, Lily, he didn't hurt you, right?" James threw the Stunned boy off her and helped her sit up.

"N-n-no. He only kissed me." Once he was sure that Lily was physically unhurt, James turned to the heap behind him, an ugly look on his face. He dragged the boy through the portrait hole and left him propped against a statue two corridors away for someone to find. When he returned to Lily's dormitory, he found her hunched against the headboard, shaking. She looked up at him with large, watery eyes. "James, that's what you meant earlier, isn't it? You knew he was going to come after me. W-why didn't you tell me?" He sat down and gathered her in his arms; Lily cowered against his chest and he stroked her hair soothingly.

"I didn't want to scare you. He only told me that he would hurt someone who meant a lot to me and- I'm sorry, Lily. I should have told you. I was hoping you would just listen to me and I would come by to make sure he couldn't get in. I'm sorry." He was kissing her hard on the top of her head, his hands rubbing her back, trying to soothe her. And although her mind told her that he was too close for comfort, what if he kissed her again, she really couldn't help but feel that this wasn't an altogether unpleasant sensation. In fact, she could feel herself stop shaking, her erratic heartbeat slowed to a somewhat normal beat and her muscles relaxed against the warmth of James chest.

Just when she was beginning to calm down, a thought popped unbidden into her mind. _What would have happened if James hadn't stopped by? _And the horror of that thought caused her to dissolve into tears and before she knew it, she was sobbing into James chest.

"I'm so-o-orreee." She wailed, clutching at his shoulders, willing herself to stop crying. "I th-th-thought you were just play-aying a-a joke on me. Why can't I trust you? I want t-to but it's so-o hard." Then she found that she couldn't speak through the crying and the gulps for air. But he didn't expect her to say anymore. His hand went to her head and he stroked her hair and his mouth was so close to her ear and when he murmured comforting words to her, she could feel his breath, hot and moist and it felt so good.

"Shh. It's okay. It's going to be okay." His whispers and reassurances continued until her cries had slowed to slight hiccupping. "Umm, Lily? It's getting pretty late and I should probably get back to my room, I promised Sirius I would help him with some of his homework." He tried to stand but Lily refused to let go.

"No, please? I-I don't want to stay here alone. Please?" she whispered, clinging to him, wanting the comfort of warmth that another body was always sure to provide. "Please?" She heard him gulp, could feel him nod. She made no effort to move and so, he didn't either and they stayed on the floor in each other's arms for a long while.

His legs were starting to fall asleep. He couldn't feel his right one and his left was tingling horribly. He shifted slightly to alleviate some of the pressure on them and Lily stirred, picking her head off his chest.

"Is something the matter?"

"Um, Lil? My legs are going numb and-"

"Oh! I'm so sorry, James!" and she scrambled off his lap and helped pull him up. As the blood began circulating again his whole lower body was filled with an awful "pins-and-needles" feeling and he made a small sound of pain. She threw him a sympathetic look and wrapped an arm around his waist, helping him to the bed where he collapsed on his back, stretched out. He let out a sigh of contentment and she arched an eyebrow at him. "Feeling better, Potter?" she asked as sweetly as she could muster and he nodded.

"Yeah. Thanks." He couldn't believe that Lily was allowing him on her bed. He so wanted to say something, anything, apologize once more for the incident by the lake but he couldn't gather up enough courage. She, apparently sensing his desire to say something, stayed silent, waiting for him. An uncomfortable tension rose up in the room. "Look, Lil-" just as Lily said,

"Potter-" James sat up and both of them laughed nervously. "You go first." He took a deep breath, obviously steeling himself for something unpleasant.

"Lily, I know that the timing is rather bad and I know you already told me you weren't interested and I'm afraid I fell out of good graces with you but I just have to let you know that I am in NO WAY using you for anything. I really do have feelings for you, strong feelings and I promised I would wait until you could give me a decent answer so I will. I just have to get this off my chest. I don't want anything from you, well except maybe your friendship and possibly a relationship but friendship is okay if you don't feel the same way about me as I do about you but what I'm trying to say is, I am not only interested in you for sex. While I do appreciate the fact that you are a beautiful person, it's your brilliance, your fierceness when you're truly passionate about something, your laugh, your smile, everything about you. I can't stand it when you're upset over something and when you are, it's like my chest is being squeezed too tightly, like I can't breathe and I'm willing to do anything just to see you smile again. I REALLY fancy you, Lily." His last words were almost a plea, begging her to understand his true feelings.

For some reason, tears once again sprang into her eyes and she sniffed loudly. He looked stricken and nearly fell off the bed scrambling to her to see what was the matter.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Lily. You're not supposed to cry. I didn't say anything to offend you, did I?" he put an arm around her shoulder for what seemed to be the thousandth time but she shook him off.

"No, no. I'm fine. It's just that—just that, I can't help feeling like you have some ulterior motive for wanting to get me to like you so badly. I'm sorry I don't trust you. It must make you feel horrible but it's just so hard to trust anyone. All of my friends were just being nice to me because they wanted homework answers. Zachariah only wanted my body. People only give a damn about me for their own personal gain. Why should you be any different?"

"Lily, I- I- I'm sorry you don't trust me too. But sweetie, you gotta take a risk. Let yourself fall. I'll catch you. TRUST me. I won't ever do anything to hurt you, EVER. I would die for you, Lily. I really would. Believe me, I would die fighting for you." He lifted her chin and her big green eyes met his and the corners of his mouth turned upwards. "I would give up my life so you could be happy, Lil. But you have to trust me. You have to let me catch you." And with those words, he leaned in and kissed her softly on the lips. The kiss was chaste but sweet and underscored everything James had been trying to tell her all those months. James truly cared about her. Maybe this wasn't just for personal gain, he wasn't just using her for some reason or other. _To hell with being scared. _Lily thought and laughed out loud. _What the hell are you doing to me, James Potter? You've turned my life upside down, changed me completely. I feel like I've been flying around on a bucking broomstick but with you, I feel somewhat safe. There is, and will always be, at least for the time being, that underlying fear but I suppose I'll try and quash that._

_ You've changed, Potter. You've changed and to tell you the truth, I rather like it._

A/N: SO sorry I haven't updated in a while. I didn't really know what to do after the whole library scene and it sounds pretty forced after that. I suppose this story is drawing to a close but I have a few more things planned out. James and Lily aren't going to get off so easy. And Lily still has to answer James.

Thanks to everyone who has reviewed, they really motivated me to keep writing! Hopefully, the next chapter won't be so long in the making…


	15. chapter fifteen revised

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I have to admit that Harry Potter is not mine. As much as I have asked and asked for them for my birthday, it hasn't and will never happen. The only thing I own are the Harry Potter books (all five of them and soon to be six) and a love for the books.

A/N: well this is the revised chapter fifteen. Hehe. Don't worry, I didn't change THAT much. Though it is a bit shorter and there is no repetition. Thanks again to the people who caught that slight error. You are the best!

Lily woke feeling the happiest she had felt for a long time. A weight on her waist and warmth on her neck told her she was not alone. Pink lips curled into a smile as she turned her neck and slowly shifted her body so she was facing the black-haired boy. Careful not to wake him, she studied his face, the contours of his cheeks, his nose, those thick eyelashes that rested softly on his cheeks. His mouth was open and he was breathing steadily. She moved and his arm tightened around her waist, pulling her closer as he snuggled his face into the juncture of her neck and shoulder.

"Wake up, James. Come on. We'll be late to breakfast if you don't leave whatever dreamland in whichyou are currently residing." She whispered into his ear, her lips brushing against the folds of skin. He mumbled something that she couldn't understand and propped her head up on her hand, her elbow resting on the pillow. "Fine then. If you refuse to wake up I guess I'll just wake up for you." Holding down the laughter that bubbled in her stomach, Lily pulled herself out of his grasp. Whining pitifully, he reached for her but she danced out of the way of his searching fingers.

"Dammit Lily." He cursed but there was no venom in his words. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stood, throwing the blankets to the floor. Lily raked her eyes over him, taking in his firmly muscled (and conveniently bare) arms and torso. He reached a hand to ruffle his hair and those muscles rippled with movement. He walked over to her and placed his hands lightly on her waist. "Thank you." He whispered in her ear and before she could recover from the shock those simple words elicited, he had already pulled a shirt on and was halfway out the door.

"Well, goodbye then and I should be the one thanking you," Lily whispered, more to herself than to him. When the portrait was closed, she changed and began to get ready for the day, looking over her schedule and deciding which books and materials she should bring along with her. She brushed her teeth, washed her face, studied herself critically in the mirror and after lamenting for some time the paleness of her skin, she shrugged and ran a brush through her unruly red hair. _What does he see in me anyway? My skin is too pale, I always look peaky, and my hair makes it look as if my head is on fire. My eyes are too big and my cheeks are sunken which suggests that I don't get enough to eat. I know he says he likes me for my personality and I trust that but he's fancied me since we were in the third year and he couldn't have really known me back then. Come to think of it, he doesn't really know me now. He observes me and how I react to certain things and that gives him a general idea of who I am but we haven't really gotten to KNOW each other yet. Not on an extremely personal basis. _She sighed. _I hope we can. I'd really like that._

James flounced to his dormitory with an exceptionally big smile. He stood in front of the portrait and grinned to no one and nothing in particular; he was just in a very good mood.

"Well? Are you going to say the password or are you going to stand in front of me grinning like a fool?" Gabrielle huffed impatiently. Startled out of his reverie, James eyed her a bit angrily.

"What's wrong with you?" He asked. She glared at him but her lip quivered and she started to bawl. She sunk to her knees, buried her face in her hands and wailed without abandon. He jumped back at first but then leaned in closer. "I'm sorry, Gabrielle. Did I do something wrong?" Without lifting her face, she shook her head. "Could you tell me why exactly you are crying?" At these words she leapt to her feet, positively shaking, her face a mixture of fury and sadness.

"You want to know what's wrong, then I'll tell you what's wrong. That—that—Sir Cadogan," and she spat out his name like it was a curse word, "deceived me! He—he told me he loved me, told me I was special and one day, I decide to surprise him and lo and behold! a maiden dressed rather scantily, might I add, was—" but James would find out no more for she dissolved into tears again and he could only make out a few words such as, "never again," and "hate" and "fool." He mumbled the password and she swung open without hesitation. He left her to her blubbering and stepped inside, stopping dead in his tracks when he saw who was occupying his bed.

"What have you got to say for yourself?" Sirius demanded, sliding off the bed.

"I-I-what?" he stuttered, taken aback at the abrupt greeting. "What are you talking about?"

"Where have you been? In the clouds?!" Sirius was getting irate. "Godammit, James, it was the full moon last night. You know what the full moon is, right?" James paled under his best friend's furious gaze. Bloody fucking hell.

"I completely forgot. I'm sorry." He whispered sheepishly.

"Where the hell were you last night?" The rage had disappeared and was replaced with a soft accusatory tone.

"I—was with Lily last night." James replied, looking at his shoes, refusing to look Sirius in the eye.

"With Lily." The handsome boy sounded so distant that James had to look up. There was a strange shimmer in his eye and he looked strangely defeated. The impish grin that usually adorned his face was gone. "It's finally come down to this, I guess. The day James Potter puts a girl before his friends." Sirius bit his lip and nodded slowly, looking at James' right arm rather than his face. "I guess I'll see you 'round, mate." His last words were spoken softly and sadly, there was no humor, no sarcasm, it was devoid of all emotion, save for one: regret. "Sorry we just couldn't compare with her." He brushed past a shocked James and ran through the portrait hole, not looking back, his head bowed. James watched him go, kicking himself mentally. _How could I possibly forget?_ He raged at himself. After a while, remembering where he was supposed to be, he changed his robes, picked up his bookbag and left for the Great Hall.

"Potter, over here." A sweet voice rang out and his mood lifted—slightly. He could see his friends watching him. Sirius looked so angry, so defeated. Remus was a blank mask but James knew he was hurt. Peter just watched him with his usual expression of awe. "Potter?"

"Morning, Lily." He said and sat down next to her. He made no move to eat but stared at his reflection that stared miserably up at him from his golden plate.

"What's wrong, James?" She leaned in closer, her long hair covered his plate and broke his concentration. Her small hand rested on his shoulder as she attempted to grab his attention. "Tell me? Please." He shook his head. How could he tell her what was wrong when she was the problem? "James?" He looked at her and her large eyes were full of concern.

"Lily, last night—when I went to see you, I was supposed to be—helping Remus with something."

"Oh. But you stayed with me," she nodded in comprehension. He looked at her, guilt-ridden.

"I completely forgot about it. I forgot that I was supposed to be helping him. I took one look at you and I just—forgot. What kind of a friend am I?" he said, his eyebrows knitting together. "What kind of a friend forgets about his best friends?" Lily removed her hand from his shoulder and instead, grabbed his hand.

"Come on." She stood and pulled him towards the rest of the Marauders. "Hello. Lovely morning isn't it?" she said loudly. They looked at her and James could feel the resentment that poured from them when they took in their linked hands.

"What do YOU want? Come to gloat that you've stolen our friend from us?" Sirius snapped, glaring openly at the two of them.

"No," Lily replied with forced calm, "I just wanted to tell you to give James a chance to explain his absence in your—activities last night." Remus hadn't even turned around, but kept his back on his friend.

"Please," he whispered, "we swore we wouldn't let a girl get in the way of our friendship and—"

"YOU were the one who allowed a girl get between us!" Sirius roared, knocking over his goblet as he jumped up, suddenly in James' face. "We've put up with you carrying on and on about your _beloved _Lily Evans. We put up with you. We HELPED you. And then the one night _we _were the ones needing help, you weren't _anywhere _to be found. Explain it, James. You want to fucking explain it, so go ahead! I'm not stopping you. Are you stopping him, Remus?" A curt 'no' came from the thin boy bent over his waffles. "Go on, James. I'm fucking waiting for your brilliant and oh-so-interesting adventures." James was too shocked to say anything and Sirius shook his head. "I knew it. A girl," he muttered to himself, "who knew a girl would be the one to break us apart?" He shoved James out of the way and stalked from the Great Hall, which had gone silent during his outburst.

"James—" Lily said, touching his arm.

"No. Don't say anything." He lifted his chin and turned his attention to Remus. "Look, I really am sorry I wasn't there. And I do have an explanation why I wasn't there. Come find me when you want to hear it." And he too turned and left the Hall.

"Remus, it wasn't his fault." Lily said, taking Sirius' vacated seat. The boy snorted disbelievingly. "No, really. It was mine. I don't know why you and Sirius wanted to meet him so badly last night but I kept him from that. I'm sorry. Talk to him, though, will you?" And she hurried out after her friend.

* * *

Lily had missed something. She didn't know why it was so important to James' friends that he meet them that particular night but it was obviously a high priority. His friends meant everything to him and she knew if he hadn't been distracted with her, he would never have forgotten their—meeting or whatever it was. 

They were so alike, both in mannerisms and character and yet so different. Sirius was flagrantly handsome and flaunted that as best as he could. He loved being the center of attention, loved that girls stared longingly after him in class. James, on the other hand, was just as handsome but, while he casually ruffled his hair on a frequent basis, he didn't flaunt his looks but his talent on the Quidditch field. He loved Quidditch, lived, breathed, and ate the sport and thrived when he was being cheered on by a wild, screaming mass of gold and scarlet. But he almost seemed annoyed at the group of girls who followed him to class, to meals, even to the loo. He was overbearing and could be quite arrogant but his bravado, Lily had found out, was only a mask.

And they were both so stubborn. Their tempers just the same: explosive and volatile. Sometimes they reminded her of firecrackers, a small spark and they exploded. Both were tall, handsome, muscular, and very talented, although lazy, with their wizarding skills. They thought alike but they had different reasons for their thought processes. It confused her but their friendship worked. They were meant to be best friends. Sirius smiled constantly, that lazy, careless smirk that drove girls wild but underneath that, no one knew what his true feelings were. James knew. James could tell. Just by observing them from afar, Lily could see that James cared deeply for his friend, for Sirius. James cared for all his friends but he and Sirius had a special bond. For something that rare and precious to be lost over her, she wouldn't have it. They were going to talk and she wouldn't let them stop until whatever was wrong was fixed.

She found James on the Quidditch pitch, flying on his broom 50 feet in the air with a Quaffle. She crept into the stands and watched him silently as he repeatedly chucked the Quaffle through the hoops then flew after the red ball as it plummeted to the ground. She observed him until his throws were no longer wild and hard but feeble. He was panting now, sweating heavily. He guided his broomstick through the air, effortlessly flipping and diving, rolling and spinning. It was strange that such a violent sport could take such grace and accuracy and skill. She did not call out to him, merely waited patiently for him to notice her and when he finally did, he flew over.

"What're you doing here?" he asked, regarding her with weary eyes, wiping sweat off his brow.

"Come with me." She stood and he dismounted his broom, followed her with a perplexed expression. She led him to the Gryffindor Common Room and told him to go inside the boy's dormitory. He lifted his chin in that defiant way of his and shook his head, stubbornly refusing, knowing what she was trying to do.

"Sorry Lily. I'm not going to be the one to beg mercy." He crossed his arms across his chest and glowered at the door.

"If you don't go in there right now, James Potter, I will have your head." Lily straightened her back and stood as tall she could, staring him down. He looked at her and the corners of his lips curled upwards. She really couldn't see what was so amusing about the situation, given that he was in danger of losing his best friends and she told him so.

"Oh no, it's just that—" he smothered laughter, "you look so _cute_," Lily scowled at the word, "trying to scare me." A cat-like growl issued from her throat and she knitted her eyebrows at him, doing her best to appear angry.

"Just get in there, alright?" and with surprising agility and strength, she flung open the door, shoved James inside and locked it. An electric blue light shone briefly and from behind the door, she could hear muffled shouts and thuds as a body was thrown against the heavy wood.

* * *

That conniving, sneaky little snake! James seethed, shoulders hunched to his ears, arms rigid at his side. Somehow she had known that the two people he most wanted to avoid would be in that room and she had locked him with them. 

"What're YOU doing in here?" Sirius spat, shoving black hair out of his eyes. "Leave. You're not welcome."

"I WOULD but, if you haven't noticed already, I've been trying. Seems the door was locked." James said slowly, through teeth clenched so tightly he appeared to be snarling. And he fairly was. An odd, uncomfortable silence filled the room, growing thicker until the inhabitants were suffocating, choking, each too stubborn to say anything, to breathe.

"You haven't answered my question, _James_." A lump formed in his throat at the sound of his name. Since he had befriended Sirius on the train, he had never heard his name with that tone attached to it, that contempt and bitterness.

"I'm here--," his voice gave out and he swallowed desperately, determined not to allow the burning behind his eyes to get the best of him. "Lily forced me." He raised his eyes and met the gaze of his best friend.

"James, you said you had an explanation. Let us hear it." Remus spoke up, looking down at his hands which were resting limply on his lap.

"Yes, James. Let's hear you bullshit your way out of this one. And don't try and cheat _us_. We know all the tricks in the book so don't insult us by trying."

"I wasn't going to." James coughed, then took a seat on the bed opposite them, the bed he used to occupy. Kicking off his shoes and taking off his school robes, he leaned back against the pillow of the unused bd. In answer to their raised eyebrows, he merely shrugged. Once he was comfortable, he faced them again, locking eyes with each one. "Where's Peter?" he asked. Sirius snorted.

"He's in detention. Again. Forgot to turn in his Transfiguration homework. Again." James nodded slowly and licked his lips.

"Look, Zachariah went after her. Again. And she asked me to stay with her. I'm really very sorry for not telling you or finding some way of telling you. I was just—concerned for her, that's all. My mind was somewhere else and all I could think of was the fact that she was upset and how I could make her smile again. She needed me and, well, I felt that the least I could have done was be there for her."

"Look, mate—I'm," Sirius coughed uncomfortably, "we had no idea and well…" he trailed off and afforded James a sheepish grin and shrugged his shoulders. James sighed, his anger dissipating; Sirius had never been very good with apologies and this was as good as it got but he knew the thought was there.

"Forget about it." Obviously not wanting to say anything else, James stood, stretched and yawned, walking to the door which he pounded on quite heavily. "Lily! Lily, unlock the door!" A sweet voice answered his, shaking with barely contained laughter.

"Is everything okay? Have you talked things through?"

"Yes, yes, we have. Now will you PLEASE let us out? I need to use the lavatory." James replied, his voice containing an equal amount of saccharine.

"Remus? Is that true?" Sirius laughed as her voice filtered through and James' face turned red. Only when Remus had answered in the affirmative did James hear her unlock the door. He nearly bowled her over in his haste to leave but she pushed him back inside, following him this time. She sat on the floor and motioned for James to make himself comfortable, something he did a bit reluctantly. "I suppose James told you, then?" she asked, getting right down to the point.

"Yes. That he did." Sirius answered. "I know I was a bit of a prat this morning but we had a rough night last night. And I was the one who came out of it worse for the wear." Remus flinched as his friend pulled up his sleeve, showing inch thick gashes running down the length of his arm. Lily wrinkled her nose, averse to the sight of blood. James put an arm around her and she melted against him, something his friends were quick to notice. Sirius dropped his robes over the abrasions and raised a taunting eyebrow at his friend who only gazed innocently back. Without warning, Lily started.

"I best be off. A bit of homework to finish, you know. See you at dinner." she grinned at James then hurried away. His friends eyed him slyly and James found himself blushing.

"So, mate. It looks like whatever you've been doing is finally getting you into her good graces." Sirius shook his head. "Bloody good for you." James shrugged and stared out the door. She was brilliant and beautiful and undeniably sexy. "Right then. Since we didn't know what you were doing or where you had got to, we want to know exactly what you were doing with her last night." The handsome boy flashed his teeth cheekily at James and crossed his arms across his chest.

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"What? You're saying that you stayed a whole night in the bedroom of a girl you've fancied since you met her and you did absolutely nothing? That's bollocks. Don't you agree, Moony?"

"I care about her, Sirius. She's not ready for anything sexual and I'm not going to do anything to scare her away. If she just needs me to be there for her, I will."

"Then, Prongs, where did you sleep last night? In the bathroom?"

"No. I slept on the bed. With her. And before you twist the meaning of those words around, you great bloody perv," James added, seeing the wolfish grin on Sirius' face, "I mean that we closed our eyes and slept. As in slumber. Nothing to do with sex."

"And she let you? She let you climb into her bed and sleep? Knowing full well that you are a boy?" Remus sounded incredulous.

"Why not? We talked other last night and I think I've got her convinced that I really do like her. She trusts me now." James leaned back on his elbows. "She trusts me now and I wouldn't do anything to betray that."


	16. chapter sixteen

Disclaimer: I may be eccentric but I'm certainly not delusional.

A/N: This chapter occurs about two months after the last one

Lily walked around the school, holding her books against her chest, her arms folded protectively over them. Her head was bowed and she hardly noticed the happy students surrounding her. Her lower lip was caught between her teeth and her brow was wrinkled with worry and frustration.

"This is the second time, Lil. The second time. Asleep in class, that's not like you. What's going on?" she muttered to herself, although it was a waste of her breath. She knew the answer. Daydreaming about James was the equivalent of taking a warm bath and snuggling under the warm covers of her bed. She cursed again, seeing the disappointment and surprise in Professor McGonagall's eyes. "Can't do it again so stop thinking about him." _But how could she? Dammit._

"What's this I hear?" A deep, masculine voice resonated in her ear and she jumped, her books and papers dropping to the ground in a messy heap.

"Potter!" she snapped, a whine creeping into her throat. She dropped to her knees and hurriedly crammed the loose papers into her book, stacking them in a messy pile. There was no time to get out her wand, she was already late to class.

"What's this I hear? Can't stop thinking about someone? Hmm?" his hazel eyes twinkled innocently at her and his grin was really rather alarmingly merry. Her heart beat faster and seemed to crawl into her throat; for she suddenly found herself speechless. _Argh__ What you do to me, James._ He grabbed her elbow and steered her toward the nearest staircase, his eyes never leaving hers. They stopped in a shadowy alcove and her back pressed against the cool stone wall. He smirked down at her, since he was a good head taller than she, and spoke again, "Who's this man that keeps creeping into my girlfriend's head? I'll get rid of him for you. I will." His face contorted into a mad snarl and he gazed sternly at her.

"Oh well, then I suppose you might as well do yourself in." Lily spoke airily, flipping her hair out of her face, knowing full well the gesture drove him mad. He growled low in his throat and then leaned in, his soft lips attacking hers. She squeaked, but, as always, surrendered to the warmth that emanated from his body when they were pressed together like this, allowed the sensations of his lips caressing hers fill her whole body to the tips of her toes, sending shivers down her spine. His arms rested at her waist and his tongue stroked her lips hesitantly. She had, so far, steered their kissing to a more innocent, chaste sort of way, fearful that she should lose control. But at the moment and in her present mood, control was the last thing on her mind and her mouth opened as if of its own accord and he deepened the kiss. _Good lord, this boy knows how to kiss. _Lily's knees felt weak and her fingers were curling around the soft, uncontrollable strands of hair at the nape of his neck. He moaned against her mouth as her fingertips danced lightly on his neck, barely touching his skin. Their kiss became hotter, deeper, more frenzied. Lily was pressed to the wall as far as she could go and James was panting quite heavily. She shouldn't wonder that her breathing was equally as labored.

"My, my, my. What do we have here?" James broke away from her and she shot away from the wall, freezing like a rabbit spotted by its hunter. Standing in front of them, watching with a benign twinkle in his clear blue eyes, Dumbledore chuckled.

"Young love. Such a beautiful thing. But it would be best to be hidden by our Head Boy and Girl, at least in front of impressionable youngsters. Alas, in my old age I appear to have gone temporarily blind and I cannot see you. Nor, did I just witness what I think I did." He paused there and Lily blushed furiously. "Now, if I am not mistaken, the both of you are approximately three and a half minutes late for your next class. Oh, but I am such an old man that I do so like to give students advice from time to time and today I seem to have forgotten the clock. You shall go and explain to your teachers this very reason. But please, next time I talk so lengthily, feel free to interrupt. Good day." The wizened wizard strolled away, humming thoughtfully to himself.

"Guess we should head on to our class then," James shrugged ruefully. "See you at dinner." He leaned in and kissed her on the nose. She smiled, then turned and hurried off to class, her books back in her arm.

Dear Jesus that girl was _such _a tease. James watched as she walked away, her fiery hair swinging from side to side, her rather shapely derriere swaying slightly as she got farther and farther away. He sighed and took up his own bookbag, reluctantly tearing his eyes from his girlfriend and heading toward his own class.

"Sorry Professor Flitwick," he spoke carelessly when he strolled into class a few minutes later. "I got caught in a conversation with Professor Dumbledore and, well, we lost track of time."

"Oh, well, you're excused this time, Mr. Potter but don't let it happen again." Professor Flitwick was hardly intimidating but one of James' favorite teachers. He nodded and theatrically flopped into the seat beside Sirius.

"Oi, you bloody pig. You've been snogging Lily again, haven't you?" Sirius leaned in, speaking out of the corner of his mouth.

"Wouldn't you like to know?" James carefully arranged his face into one of smug indifference and leaned down to grab his wand. "Come on, Sirius, you've got so many girls in the castle to worry about. Don't you think you should focus your attention on them instead of me and Lily?"

"Shut it." Sirius' last fling with a girl had happened appallingly long ago and the boy was complaining now about how he would die of sexual inactivity. For the first time since they had known each other, James was the one with a girl on his arm and Sirius was left alone. There were still plenty of girls who would have been happy to take him but, for some reason or other, Sirius was unwilling to choose one.

James leaned back in his chair, lazily watching as the tiny professor demonstrated a rather complicated wand movement which involved much wiggling of the wand. There was nothing they were reviewing in class that day that he didn't know by heart and, bored, resigned himself to dwell on the memory of a slim, fiery, passionate woman who had completely swept him off his feet. Remus had commented the other day, when he had caught James in the library actually doing something other than causing mayhem, that his relationship with Lily was actually doing him some good. Of course, he had to agree; Lily WAS a good influence on him and her constant persistent suggestions that he do his homework spurred him on like nothing else, if not only to shut her up. He impressed his teachers with his new work habits and they now took to using him for demonstrations in the class. He loved her with all his heart and if that meant restraining himself to the best of his ability, he was going to do it. But in class, he could not get her out of his head. She was just too interesting.

_Flashback_

_"Lily?" He was lying beside her on his bed, his arms wrapped around her waist. Her back was to him and her hair was tickling his nose. "Lily?"_

_"Yes, James? What is it?" Her voice was soft and languid and he could almost see her eyes drooping. Indeed, it was getting late, probably past __midnight__ and yet, they were still talking. In the deep recesses of his mind, he thought that the two of them should really be getting to bed but, no, what he really wanted to be doing was taking in everything about her and committing it to memory._

_"You're the most beautiful girl I know and if I haven't made that clear, I want you to kick my arse." At his words, she giggled and, slowly, torturously, shifted her body so she was facing him._

_"And you're the sweetest, most romantic berk that I know." She was beautiful. Perfect. There was nothing he would or could do to improve her. The beating of their hearts merged as one and eventually, they fell asleep._

_End Flashback_

"Hey, mate, you do realize that our class ended already? Hello?"

"Yeah, yeah. Go 'way." James stood, shaking off the cobwebs of sleep from his mind. Waiting outside the classroom, looking obscenely innocent, stood Lily. Her hair was falling into her face and her uniform was neat. When he approached her, she smiled and stood on her toes to give him a peck on the cheek. He grabbed her hand and they strolled to the Great Hall, chatting amiably with Sirius. Remus was waiting for them, looking wan and tired.

"You know, Lupin, you really ought to take better care of yourself." Lily chided him.

"What makes you say that, Lily?" Remus responded. Even his voice sounded sickly.

"Well, you seem to get sick a lot. Just last month, I heard you complaining about how tired you were. It's just not healthy. And, if you're feeling sick, you ought to see Madame Pomfrey about it. Maybe she has something that would make you feel better?"

"Um, Lil?" James coughed, not liking the way the conversation was turning.

"What? Don't you agree with me? You're his friend, James. Shouldn't you encourage him to—I dunno, take care of himself?" Lily rounded on him.

"You know, Miss Evans, I CAN hear you." Remus said, looking up with a hint of a smile. "And thank you for your concern but I'm fine. Really. I just didn't get very much sleep last night. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to see if I can get a bit of shut eye before I start in on tonight's homework. See you." He stood slowly and walked away.

"Look, Lily, it's no use to say anything. Not now." James put a hand on her shoulder and leaned in. "Sirius and I'll tell you what's going on later, okay?" She gave him a strange look but seemed to accept it and went back to her food.

"What! Are you saying that we're going to TELL her?" Sirius hissed into his ear. "Are you absolutely sure she can be trusted? What does Remus say about it? You can't go telling his secret without consulting him first."

"I did," James whispered back. "I'm not THAT inconsiderate, you know. He said it was fine. And I'm positive that Lily can be trusted."

"Alright. If you say so. Tonight then. Where?" Sirius spoke in clipped sentences, showing that he was nervous and agitated, something he rarely ever was.

"In my room. After dinner." James looked at his food and then pushed it away. "I'm not hungry anymore. I'll be in my room. See you later." Without so much as a wave, he strode away, paying no heed to Lily's voiced concern.

Ten minutes later, he stared around his room which was sparkling clean due to his efforts. Sighing and with nothing to do, James began to pace nervously. Back and forth he walked, muttering all the while to himself. Guinevere hissed at him and followed his movements with indignant eyes. He stopped and gave her an apologetic look.

"Sorry." Looking almost like she was muttering to herself, the cat jumped lightly from the bed and pranced away, tail up and nose in the air. She disappeared into his closet, no doubt to nestle among his clothes and wait until her master calmed down enough to give her a scratch behind the ears. He had just resumed pacing when Gabrielle swung open. Lily and Sirius entered, bickering with each other and didn't stop until James cleared his throat. He instructed the portrait to stay closed and nodded. Lily took a seat on the bed, James flopped down beside her and Sirius pulled up the chair from James' desk.

"So, what is it you were going to tell me?" Lily asked as a tense silence filled the room.

"Lily, you have to swear that you won't tell anyone. Not a soul." Sirius said, staring hard at her.

"Ok, ok, I _swear_," Lily replied, laughing a bit.

"No, Lil, this is serious." James turned and squeezed her arms, looking her directly in the eye. "It is _vital_ that you swear you won't tell anyone. No one. Not even your best mate. Promise?"

"Yes, I promise." Satisfied that she understood the importance of their secrecy, James let go of her. "Ok, Remus is a werewolf."

"Ha HA, both of you. That's not funny, joking about a thing like that. What would Remus say? He's supposed to be your friend."

"It's true. Remus is a werewolf. It's almost time for the full moon and that's why he's been looking so awful lately." James looked at Sirius. "He goes to the Shrieking Shack to transform and we go with him." Lily jumped up.

"You go with him! What if you're bitten? HAVE you been bitten? YOU'RE not a werewolf too, are you? How irresponsible of you! Does Dumbledore know? What about the teachers. This is NOT a laughing matter, James. Not like everything else you do. THIS would have serious repercussions if anything were to go wrong."

"Lily, I've never been bitten and neither has Sirius."

"How do you manage to escape being bitten?" she sat on the bed again, looking faint with disbelief.

"We're Animagi," Sirius responded slowly, giving James a hard look but seeming resigned to tell Lily the whole truth.

"Oh my god," Lily's eyes were wide and her head swiveled back and forth between the two boys. "Good Lord, James. Does—does Dumbledore know?"

"No. He would know that Remus is a werewolf but he doesn't know that we've become Animagi."

"James, that's illegal. The Ministry of Magic—how in the world did you manage to become Animagi without anything going wrong," she paused, "and what animals are you?" James grinned.

"Well, we ARE quite smart, you know. We have our ways." He spoke flippantly but the process had been long, tedious and difficult. He and Sirius had considered giving up quite a few times along the way but, wanting to be there for their friend, had just as often put the danger from their minds.

"Let's just say, Lily, that, had we been any less bright or determined, we wouldn't have been able to pull it off." Sirius leaned in, looking more serious than James had ever remembered him appearing. "Lily, this is information that we have entrusted to nobody besides the four of us."

"Four of you?"

"Well, Peter's in on it as well. But that's beside the point. What I was about to say was that no one had better find out. No one knows that Remus is a werewolf. For all they care, he is a do-gooder who just happens to get sick often. Coincidentally, his illness always happens to fall around the full moon. But that is a fact that hardly anyone seems to notice. We wouldn't have done anything if we hadn't cared for him but we do. He deserves a bit of normality, wouldn't you agree? I mean, if everyone knew about his condition, he'd be shunned and parents would owl Dumbledore. No one would want him to be here."

"I quite agree with you, Sirius. And I've already told you, I won't tell anyone." Lily smiled. "It's nice that he has friends who would go to such great lengths to BE his friends. He's lucky."

"Ah, well, I wouldn't say that, exactly. We do manage to drag him along on our great adventures, getting into loads of trouble along the way." James laughed ruefully, running a hand through his hair, his face showing an expression of sheepishness. "He has had to put up with all our nonsense for seven years. And, let me tell you, most of the shit that goes down is our fault and he happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time."

"Somehow, I'm not surprised," Lily leaned into James and, almost out of instinct, his arms wrapped around her waist. "The poor thing," she shook her head and James put his nose to her head, inhaling the scent that drove him mad. Sirius watched them silently and James, thinking that perhaps his friend was uncomfortable with the open display of affection, was rather taken aback at Sirius' next comment.

"You know, Evans, I mean Lily, I must say that I'm rather glad you've decided James isn't such a prat after all." Sirius broke into a smile. "I know I wasn't exactly the friendliest of persons when you first started snogging my friend but—he's mad about you and I haven't seen him stop smiling since."

James tightened his hold on Lily's waist, loving the feeling of her body against his. It seemed to him that she fit perfectly against his body and that they were, in fact, made for each other.

"I see," Lily nodded, a note of pride in her voice, "I've had a positive influence on him. Thanks, Sirius. It's really nice to know that James' best mate doesn't hate me after all. I had gotten the impression that you did."

"I could never hate you. Hatred is too strong a feeling for someone as respectable as you. No, I didn't hate you. I think I resented you. In some small way, I felt as if you were replacing me. It's stupid, I know, but there was this fear that you would take my place as his best mate."

"But I could _never_ do that!" Lily said, her voice rising in shock, "you've been best mates since first year and there is a bond between the two of you that I could never replace, no matter how hard I try. You will always be the one James told of his first romantic tryst or the first mate he talks with when he has a problem. I've never seen such a strong friendship and I think it's rather nice." She shared a smile with Sirius and James was happy to see that the tension between two of his best mates ease up a bit. They had never been quite at ease with each other but, he mused, they might have decided to let bygones be bygones. The night descended into rounds of friendly banter and bickering between friends when Lily began to yawn.

"I should be getting to bed, guys, and so should you. 'Night." She kissed James softly on the lips and clambered slowly out the portrait hole, headed towards her own room. A contented silence settled among the boys and Sirius was the first to break it.

"Prongs, what I said back then with Lily? I really did mean it. I'm happy for you, mate."

"It's good to know that. After all, the two of you are going to be seeing each other a hell of a lot more now that we're dating." James flopped back onto his bed.

"Yes. Our dear ol' Prongs has settled down." A wicked grin appeared on Sirius' face. "Why, I do believe the two of you are going to get married someday." Upon hearing that, James sat up sharply.

"What makes you say that?" he asked. "It's too soon to tell."

"Well, everything that comes out of your mouth is Lily this and Lily that. You're mad about her. And you aren't even doing anything—naughty. It's the last thing anyone would ever expect so, naturally, it's the thing that happens."

James didn't respond but Sirius' words rung in his ears. _Something new to think about.__ Again. Another thing to obsess about. But the idea is a rather nice one…_

A/N: OK. looks around sheepishly as crickets chirp what do you think? Hehehe. I guess you can say that I finally have a plotline figured out. I know how the story is going to end. Now the problem is just how the hell I'm going to get there!

My updates are so slow, I'm sorry. I hope the chapters are worth the long wait. I just can't help it. School's murder and I feel as if I'M the one going mad. oh well.


	17. chapter seventeen

Disclaimer: same song, same dance.

"Hello there." Lily looked up from the essay she was writing and her eyes found those of James. "I do believe I know you. But I can't quite place the face. Perhaps you could help me?" James' face leaned in closer to hers and brought with it the pungent smell of grass and sweat, informing Lily that he had just come from Quidditch practice.

"Oh, you," she sighed, "shut up and sit down." Her hand patted the chair beside her and he obliged. "Have you finished your essay for Potions yet? Come to think of it, have you even started?" She raised an eyebrow at him and he chuckled sheepishly.

"Funny you should ask, Lil," he said, "because I was just on my way to ask my best girl," he punctuated the statement with a small peck on her neck below her ear, "if she would be so kind as to help me with said essay."

"I might have known. Come on then, show me what you've written so far." James pulled out a roll of parchment and she glanced at the writing he had done. The information was good, overall, but he might have elaborated on a few of the hidden qualities that the dukeroot possessed. When she pointed it out to him, he nodded thoughtfully before pulling out a book, a quill and a pot of ink.

"Thanks, you're a lifesaver." Again, he kissed her neck and she swatted him away.

"James, not in here! Remember what Dumbledore sai-mmmff." James captured her mouth with his and she melted as always. _Dammit__ James! Madame Pince is not going to be pleased if she finds us. _And yet, despite those thoughts, Lily was really not willing to pull away.

"Hah. You aren't capable of resisting me, are you?" James grinned cheekily, running a hand through his hair and Lily swatted at his chest. "I'll take that as an affirmation, shall I?" He continued to chuckle slightly until Lily leaned over and pressed her lips to his. Just as he tried to deepen the kiss, she pulled away, returning his look of pleading with a smirk of her own.

"Shut up, James." Her green eyes sparkled with a joy that she'd never truly felt until then and she sighed with mock exasperation. "I've finished with all my homework. What about you? Just the essay to do?"

"Well, yeah, I suppose. Just this." He finished writing and then looked up at her. "So I was wondering if you would like to come with me on a walk."

"Seeing as I have no other plans tonight, I suppose I could spare the time to suffer," at this word James spluttered indignantly, "through an evening of whatever romantic plans you have managed to concoct this time." She sniffed and then wrinkled her nose with supreme disdain. "Of course, you do plan to take a shower before we have our wildly adventurous gallivants across the grounds?"

"I may be an arrogant pig, Lil, but I am _not_ a smelly one," James stood and Lily followed suit, "therefore, you must accompany me to my dormitory so I can make myself presentable for our date."

"Oh dear, _must_ I?" Lily sighed, "Waiting for you to get ready is so utterly tedious I don't know how I'll be able to stay awake that long." He lightly punched her shoulder and stuck out her tongue at her.

"Oh shut up and come, will you?" He grabbed her arm and proceeded to drag her to his dorm. Once inside, she made herself comfortable on his bed and her bright green eyes examined the somewhat messy room. Books lay strewn on the floor accompanied with bits of parchment and quills; obviously James enjoyed studying on the floor instead of at his desk. But of course, Lily mused, maybe that was because his desk was so damn cluttered with dirty clothes that there was no room to study anyways. The drawer beside his bed contained a framed picture and Lily tilted her head to get a better look. James and Sirius were standing at the forefront and they each had arms around the other's shoulders. Both boys were smiling broadly and as Lily watched, they turned to each other and began to wrestle as teenage boys will. Behind them, watching with looks of concerned amusement was a man and woman. Lily saw at once that these were James' parents. He had his mother's eyes and lips and his father's nose and thin face. Once the young James in the picture had succeeded in trapping Sirius in a headlock, the adults intervened, forcing him to let go. The man clapped Sirius on the shoulder and the boy looked up with a beaming smile.

"It's a nice picture, don't you think?" James asked and Lily jumped, whipping her head around to find him, leaning on the door frame without a shirt. "That was taken about two years ago." He joined her sitting at the bed and picked it up, smiling at the memories the picture brought back.

"Oh James, it's so sweet. That's your mum and dad, isn't it?" Lily sighed, beaming at the picture. Something tautened in James' face and he nodded quickly, staring hard the picture. The smile was replaced almost instantly with a thoughtful frown as James ran a finger lovingly over the occupants in the picture.

"Yeah, that's them," he said softly, still gazing into the picture.

"They look like such nice people, James. I can't wait to meet them." He looked at her and smiled, bringing a hand to her face. Gently, as he always was with her, he pulled her in for a kiss; a soft, sweet kiss that last only a moment but seemed to go on forever.

"They'd love you the instant they see you," James declared, the serious look dissipating from his face, "I mean, how could they not? Someone as beautiful and smart and capable as you would surely woo them just as easily as you wooed me."

"I did no such thing!" She blushed, knowing deep in her heart that her statement was not entirely true. "And anyway, shouldn't you get a move on? I don't think the teachers would appreciate it if you went for a walk around the grounds without a shirt." He tugged at a lock of her hair, disappeared behind the door of his bathroom for a second then reappeared, wearing a shirt this time.

"Shall we go?" he held out an arm to her and she took it gladly. The two kept up a light and pleasant conversation as they exited the school and stepped into the soft, dusty light of a spring's dusk. As they approached the old oak where things had gotten out of control for her, she began to stiffen. There was no way she could trust herself to sit under those branches again without thinking of what had happened the last time they were there or stop herself from doing the exact same thing. It was, however, the exact place where James was taking her and he sat down comfortably, leaning against the huge roots which rose from the ground. She stood above him, biting her lip, undecided as to what she was going to do but he looked at her in confusion.

"Er, James? Is there any particular—reason why we're at this particular tree?" she asked, fidgeting with her skirt. He looked surprised, then puzzled at the question.

"N-no, not one that I can think of," he shrugged, before smiling amiably at her. "Sit down, the roots are quite comfortable at this time of year." So she settled herself next to him and they began to eat. When she couldn't eat another bite, she leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed happily.

"This is wonderful, James. Thank you." He shifted, turning his head to kiss her. His tongue fluttered against her lips, asking for permission and she opened her mouth, permitting his tongue to enter. She could feel his breath against her skin, his lips were so soft, and all thought flew away as his hands touched her waist, burning her flesh with their seductiveness. The kiss became more heated, as it was bound to become, and Lily was struck with an odd sense of déjà vu. James moved, never breaking contact with her, and then settled between her legs. He shifted up and his crotch brushed against her secret place and she gasped for the sensation that raced through her nerves was the sweetest thing she had ever felt. Then, James broke the kiss, lifting his head so he was staring down at her.

"Lily, we're—I mean, I don't want to pressure you and," James gulped, "if we don't stop soon—I don't know if I'll be able to control myself." It was then that she felt the rather prominent bulge pressing against her. She blushed deeply and sat up, embarrassed and yet wildly flattered.

"Oh dear, I do suppose we might have gone a bit too far," Lily smiled as she stood and straightened her clothing. "I'm sorry, James, I'm just not—,"

"Don't apologize, Lil. I know you're not ready—I shouldn't think you would be—and I respect that. It's just—you're so beautiful and," he gulped, "I just find myself, losing my control whenever I'm around you." He looked so sorrowful that she couldn't help but laugh fondly at his expression.

"Thank you so much—for everything." She kissed him lightly on the cheek and helped him clean up their area. He offered her his arm and, giggling slightly, she took it and they marched down the grounds, playing a game that required them to speak using only old English. Once at her portrait hole, she turned to him and smiled, hoping that she could convey everything with that smile as she didn't trust herself to say anything. "Good night." Squeezing his hand, she turned away from him and stepped through.

Watching her back as she disappeared into her room, James took deep breaths, forcing himself to calm. As his erection calmed, he walked stiffly away, using every ounce of restraint that he had not to run back and beg her to have him right then and there.

"Hey Prongs!" His train of though interrupted, he turned to find a short, rather stout boy huffing and puffing toward him.

"Oh, hello Wormtail. What are you doing out so late?" The two boys fell in step as James accompanied his friend to the Gryffindor common room.

"I was just studying in the library. N.E.W.T.S., you know." James nodded sagely. Wormtail had always been the one on the sidelines, preferring to watch his friends rather than participate in their antics.

"You really shouldn't worry so much, Wormtail. There's plenty of time before exams. Loosen up and have some fun."

"But it's not as easy for me as it is for you!" Wormtail suddenly cried. James stopped short and stared at the shorter boy. He had never known Wormtail to raise his voice to him; he had always held James in such awe.

"Is something the matter, Peter?" he asked cautiously, reverting to his friend's real name.

"No! Nothing's the matter. I'm just worried about exams, is all. I'll be going now." And without another word, without even a wave, the boy known as Wormtail scurried away from him. James shook his head and continued on to his own portrait hole. His friend had not been himself lately; whereas he had once used every excuse to stay close to James and the others, he was now spending more and more time in the library, doing who-knows-what.

Spent, James flopped limply onto his bed, mind whirling with conflicting thoughts of a beautiful green-eyed, red-haired girl and a stocky, rat-faced boy of no special worth. As he thought back to the last few months, he realized that Peter had been spending less time with the Marauders. For reasons unbeknownst to him, James became rather uneasy with the thought. Peter was probably just worried about exams, like he had claimed, and James felt he had good reason; the boy had never been as proficient with magic as his friends.

Turning aside any and all thoughts of Peter, James focused on another thing that he had, for fear of what he would find, pushed to the back of his mind. It was true that he had always liked Lily; since the very first time he had spoken with her on the train. Now, though, his feelings for her had grown, going beyond the carnal desires of any teenage boy. No, there was something more. This was far from wanting to kiss her and touch her; he wanted to be there with her as long as he could. What he wouldn't give to see her smile so joyously that her eyes outshone the sun or to hear her laugh without restraint, just to know that he was able to bring her a small bit of happiness. Just thinking of anything and anyone that could hurt her flooded his veins with icy fear and hot rage. There was nothing more he wanted to do than to protect her with every ounce of being that he possessed.

They had gotten further than ever and, if he was honest with himself, that realization scared him slightly. Lily had always been unattainable, a goddess always just out of his reach. Now, he could see that she had her flaws just as she had her perfections. An ache crept into his chest and filled his body, making it difficult to breathe, when her smiling face swam into his vision. He knew that she had never had a lover, had never known a man's touch to be something other than unwelcome. Yet, she was allowing him to see her at her most vulnerable, when there were no defenses built up around her. He had never felt such a sense of honor, and of responsibility. Much as he wanted to know her, fully and completely, he knew that the experience would be so much more worth the wait if he gave her the time and space she needed to accept him into herself, wholly and completely. There was nothing he wanted more than to know her more completely than anyone before, wanted it so much that it seemed his heart would burst. He knew then.

_I love her._

A/N: yes, yes, short, I know. Sorry. I just wanted so damn bad to end my hiatus and end your wait that I had to post this. I suppose I'm nearing the end of my story but there's still a last hurdle to overcome. As always, I love reviews! Feel free to criticize me! I'm open to any suggestions that you may have regarding grammar and etc. Sayonara.


	18. Chapter eighteen

Disclaimer: There is no way that I own Harry Potter or any of the wizarding world… that belongs to the great and oh-so wonderful genius, J.K. Rowling.

The realization hit him like a Bludger to the chest, leaving him breathless and elated all at once. He had never known that he could feel so strongly for any one person or that he would ever be willing to do anything for the sake of someone else and not for his own benefit. Lying in bed, his heart beating as if he had just run a race, James knew that there was no place he would rather be than be at Lily's side. He loved her. Those three simple, short words had the power to change lives and he knew they had already begun their work with him. The sheer magnitude of what he was admitting to himself was scary and awe-inspiring.

"I love her," he whispered to himself, picturing her face beaming at his. In truth, he thought, those words were just not enough to describe the maelstrom of emotions that were racing through him, all the feelings that he had for her could never, ever be summed up with any word available in any human language. Love, he realized now, was everything a human being could possibly feel rolled into one. It was not only believing that someone was perfect or wanting to be with them forever but it was also knowing that no one was absolutely perfect and that you accepted imperfections as well. No matter what Lily looked like, no matter how infuriating she could be sometimes, he would always feel this way, would always _love _her with every cell in his body.

Then, as exhilarating as his discovery was, a new thought popped unbidden into his mind. The snide little voice in his head sneered, _Well__, so what if you love her? What if she doesn't feel the same way?_ And he knew that everything would be for naught if Lily did not reciprocate. The very thought that he could lose Lily when he was so close, terrified him so much that he wanted desperately to push it back into the back of his mind and forget that he had ever thought such a thing. He had tried for so long to get her to notice him and now that she was with him in ever sense of the word, he did not want her to leave. But he also knew that if she couldn't ever feel the same way about him as he did for her, he would be forced to distance himself from her, for his own peace of mind. It would hurt too much to feel for her so strongly that he ached and then to see her with another person. James shuddered to think about that. Of course, he also knew that he couldn't push her. Everything that had happened to her, her rape and everything, had thrown a significant blockade in the way she opened up that she would have to overcome. He would help her as much as he could, but it was really something that Lily had to do with her own strength. James was not stupid, he knew that it would take time and he knew that he would just have to be patient.

"I _love_ her," he practiced, rolling it about his tongue and liking the way it sounded.

"That's very nice, dear," a sleepy voice seemed to come from nowhere. James jumped, looking wildly around him before he realized that it was coming from his mirror. The blasted mirror was listening to him! "You _are_ talking about that lovely red-head, who has come by a few times, aren't you? If you ask me, she seems like she has a good head on her shoulders. I like her."

"Thanks," James mumbled under his breath. There was just no privacy anywhere at all in the damn castle. He stood and went through the motions of getting ready for bed, all the while his mind preoccupied with more important things. As he crawled under the covers, he sighed deeply and wondered for a moment whether all relationships were as complicated as he was making his out to be. He fell asleep soon afterward, his dreams full of a beautiful, red-haired angel who beamed at him.

* * *

Lily smiled luxuriously to herself as she sunk into the bath she had drawn shortly after returning from her date with James. He had been wonderful, as usual, and she couldn't help but feel like she was the luckiest girl in the castle. Her green eyes closed happily as she recounted every blessed moment that she had spent with him recently. In her mind, she thought of how he made her feel, how full of joy she was when he was nearby.

_He's cute, that's for sure._ She blushed at the shallowness of such an observation but knew that it was true. He was the finest male specimen that she had ever known and would ever know. The stupid fringe that he could never smooth flat and the way it hung into his eyes, which were a whole other story. His eyes were a bit of brown, a bit of blue, a bit of green, and, strange as it may sound, a bit of orange. They were never one true color and would change according to his moods. If there was one thing she loved about James Potter, it was his ever-changing eyes. His smile wasn't bad, either. No, she had to admit that he had a really nice smile, when he wasn't smirking or sneering in a self-absorbed way.

_Oh, come on, now! You don't look only at those things, do you?_ In the warm bath, Lily flushed an even deeper red. He had quite a nice body, not that she had seen much of it. Of course, under his school robes and the Muggle clothes he wore, she could tell that he was long and lean from hours of brutal Quidditch training. He was strong, but without the bulky muscles that many boys seemed to think that girls fancied.

_He's really come a long way, hasn't he? _He had changed so much since those days when he hexed everyone who annoyed him, seeming to enjoy jinxing Snape in particular. She had to admit though, that even then, she had always been slightly attracted to him. Of course, he was all the more desirable now. Gone was the arrogant idiot that had infuriated her on so many occasions with his flippant attitude about rules and the way he seemed to puff up with pride when he had an audience to gawp at him. Instead, James was now quite courteous. He seemed to have matured a great deal over the summer and in the months that she had gotten to know him. Where James had been slightly attractive before, he was now a person with whom she could stay for a great deal longer than the fast expiring term at Hogwarts. She hated to admit, even to herself, that she could definitely feel a sense of longevity about being James' girl.

_You aren't his. Not yet, at least._ Wondering to herself why she had such annoying voices in her head, Lily slid even deeper in the bath. It was true, though. She hadn't given herself up to him in the way most girls had long before her. She knew that her ideas about sex and abstinence were not shared by many of her classmates. In fact, she was quite sure that she was one of the few girls who hadn't had sex already.

_You've had sex. Or have you forgotten about Zachariah?_ With a sinking feeling in her stomach, she knew that was true. She was no longer the virgin she'd hoped to be for her husband. A rush of fury engulfed her momentarily and she clenched her fist to keep from breaking one of the bottles at her side. He had no right to invade her, to take something that wasn't meant for him. Then, the anger disappeared and shame took its place. She could have done a better job of fighting him off, couldn't she? Her parents had always taught her that to be a virgin on her wedding night was the biggest gift she could give her new husband and, well, now she wasn't.

_But Zachariah doesn't count, _she argued adamantly, _he took it. I didn't give it away. I didn't choose to sleep with him. I'm not physically a virgin but I've never chosen to have sex with anyone. I'm still a virgin at heart, right?_ The more she thought about it, the more she wanted to believe her reasoning. James understood completely, respected her and, close as they had come, knew that she was not yet ready to go through the act of giving her body to him. Once again, she was struck by how lucky she was to have him with her and cold fear ran through her at the thought of never having gotten the chance to know him properly. Maybe Zachariah did hurt her in ways he could never have dreamed, but he had also given Lily the opportunity that otherwise would probably never have happened.

Noticing that her milky skin was fast shriveling in the now-murky bath water, Lily stepped out and dried off with the fluffy towel she always kept handy. Slipping on her nightgown, she dried her hair and attempted (but failed) to tame her mane of red hair, which seemed to just do whatever it wanted. It was past two and yet, Lily had never felt so wide awake. She paced her bedroom a few times and then, accepting that her brain would not allow her to sleep just yet, figured that she ought to start on the essay Professor Slughorn had assigned about poisons, their antidotes, and the advantages and disadvantages of procuring said antidotes. Never one to leave an essay unfinished, Lily worked through the early morning and, just as she dotted her last sentence, realized with a start that it was now time for breakfast.

She hurried to get ready and clambered through the portrait just as James skidded to a stop in front of her. He looked faintly disheveled but grinned happily at the sight of her.  
"Good morning, Lil," he whispered, wrapping her in his strong arms. "Missed you."

"You only just saw me a few hours ago," she laughed, swatting his arm while sinking into his embrace. He laughed, his warm breath hitting her neck, and then nipped the soft, vulnerable skin. "James!" she yelped, squirming. "Come on, then. We'll be late to breakfast if you keep suffocating me."

"Suffocating you!" James hoisted an indignant look on his face, letting go of Lily to put his hands on his hips. "I am NOT suffocating you. I am merely expressing my joy to be seeing the most beautiful girl in the castle, thank you very much." Lily shook her head in amusement and then grabbed his sleeve, pulling him down the corridor. He tugged his sleeve out of her grasp and caught up her hand in his, entwining their fingers together. They entered the Great Hall and walked down the aisles to the Gryffindor table. Heads turned and Lily caught the glares of many girls, all of whom had obviously hoped that James was not serious about her. Zachariah caught her eye, glaring, and she tensed. Seeming to sense it, James stepped in closer and put his arm protectively around her shoulder. She turned her head and gave him a twinkling smile as the pair of them sat down beside his friends.

There was the usual banter and guffawing but all that was silenced when Zachariah stepped behind Lily, smirking. The happy atmosphere among the friends seemed to have been doused in cold water and she slowly turned to face him. Remus was watching carefully, his weary eyes looking alert and tense as they darted from Zachariah to Lily. Sirius was openly glaring at the sneering boy, his hand clenched around his fork so tightly that the fork was slowly being bent out of shape.

"What do you want, Zachariah?" he asked loudly. "We don't want you here. Go away." Sirius' voice had dropped so that he practically growled the last two words. Watching him from the corner of her eye, Lily could almost see the hair bristling on the back of his neck. His lip was actually curling into a snarl and his hands had abandoned the fork; they had reached inside his robes and pulled out his wand, which was pointed at the other.

"Leave Lily alone, Zachariah. Or I'll beat you to a bloody pulp," James stood, his hand reassuringly on Lily's shoulder. "We all will." Lily followed his gesture and stood too, drawing herself up to her full height. Her wand was drawn and she had it pointed directly at Zachariah's heart.

"You get out of my sight and never speak to me again or I'll hex you so badly your own mother wouldn't recognize you." Her heart was beating painfully and the practical voice in her head was screaming at her to sit down and shut up but Lily couldn't take it anymore. She had decided, sometime since becoming friendly with James, that she was not going to be terrorized by him anymore. She knew that he had to ability to hurt her but she also had the ability to defend herself. James was there and so were his friends. Somehow, she knew that not only would James help her, but Sirius and Remus would as well. She was fast becoming accepted within their little group and close ties were quickly being formed between her and the others.

"How dare you speak to me like that, you little slut!" Zachariah hissed, narrowing his eyes. Lily opened her mouth furiously but before she could shout a spell, or even cast a nonverbal hex, there was a loud bang and Zachariah flew ten feet before landing flat on his back. The Great Hall fell silent as every student turned to gape at the four seventh years, two of whom were the Head Boy and Girl, all pointing their wands at the stunned boy.

"What do you think you are doing!" Professor McGonagall rushed from the staff table, coming to a halt before the four. "Explain yourselves! Head Boy and Girl! James, you should know better and Lily, I expected more of you than this!"

"Sorry, Professor," James replied blithely, the tip of his wand still smoking slightly. "Lost control of my wand for a moment there."

"Yeah, Professor. Sorry about that. We didn't mean to cause a scene." Sirius piped up, lowering his wand. His dark eyes were still upon the inert boy ten feet away and the anger on his face was evident but his voice remained light and calm.

"Professor McGonagall, I can assure you there is a proper explanation for this," Remus began but the Head of House cut him off.

"I don't want to hear it now. You shall meet me in my office before lunch. We will discuss your explanations and I shall provide proper punishments. For now, fifty points from Gryffindor for setting a bad example to the first years." She stalked away, the top of her hat quivering angrily. Lily stowed her wand away and sat down once McGonagall was out of earshot. She bent over her plate of food and her shoulders began to shake.

"Lily? Lil, are you okay?" James rubbed her back worriedly. She looked up, so he could see that she was not crying, as he had thought, but was actually laughing. She saw the other three stare at her for a second and then give each other significant looks.

"I'm fit as a fiddle, boys. No need to worry. And I haven't gone mad, either." It had felt wonderful to finally stand up to Zachariah, to the bastard who had raped her. He was humiliated in front of the whole Great Hall and she knew that he would think twice before trying anything. What was making her laugh, however, was the knowledge that she had three wonderful boys—no, men—who were squarely behind her and willing to help her when she was in need. It was ironic that she would have formed close ties with James, Sirius, and Remus when she had loathed them so much. She had never had friends willing to put out their necks in order to help hers and the feeling that she was now in the midst of people who would was overwhelmingly joyful.

_I don't ever want this feeling to go away._

A/N: -whew- for some reason, my creativity seems to have kicked in with regards to this story. However, my next update will be a bit long in the making since I must tend to the practical voices in my head that are all yelling at me to get a start on that annoying little thing called "summer homework." Stick with me, we're almost there! Well, not almost… I still have to add some more to the story before I'm satisfied. Oops, I'll just shut up now, so I don't give anything away.


	19. Chapter nineteen

Disclaimer: are these really necessary? I mean, everyone knows that these characters belong to J.K. Rowling. Plot is mine. Not making any money whatsoever.

"James?" His heart gave a jolt as it always did when she whispered his name like that.

"Yes?" She shifted slightly, resting her head on his chest, her red hair spread every which way so that it was tickling his throat. "What is it, Lil?" They were lying on the grass by the lake, spread over a big, wool blanket that James had brought. He was lying stretched across its length and Lily's head was on his chest, her body lying perpendicular to his. "Lil?" She lifted her head off his chest and smiled down at him.

"Thank you." He lifted his head off the ground slightly so that he could see her and she was smiling broadly at the sky. "You've done more for me than anyone ever has and—I just—," her voice softened, "wanted to thank you for how happy you've made me."

"Anything for my girl." James sat up so that her head slid into his lap. "Anything for you, Lil." He kissed her for a moment but she jolted away suddenly, as if she had been shocked.

"Oh no! We're supposed to see Professor McGonagall soon!" she gasped, checking her watch. They were, indeed, late for their meeting. James sprung to his feet and, with a small twitch of his wand, the blanket disappeared. They rushed through the castle, where lessons were just ending, and burst through the door to the Professor's office. Remus and Sirius were already there, sitting uncomfortably on high-backed wooden chairs. Professor McGonagall was sitting at her desk, glaring beadily at them.

"Sit down." She motioned to two other chairs, exactly identical to those of Sirius and Remus. "Now that we're all here, I want an explanation, not excuses, for the appalling behavior of four Gryffindor students, two of whom are the Head Boy and Girl."

"See, Professor McGonagall, he was insulting me and my friends, threatening us, in fact. You can't expect us not to retaliate." Lily smiled charmingly at her Head of House. "He has been—terrorizing me all year and I decided that I wasn't going to take it anymore. However, when he brought dear James, Sirius, and Remus into our little—argument, they beat me to it."

"And why haven't you gone to a professor, Evans? Report it! Or did the thought never cross your mind?"

"Oh no, the thought definitely crossed my mind. I just never acted upon it."

"You showed serious lack of judgment, all of you! Another fifty points from Gryffindor for that spectacle and a week's worth of detention. Starting tonight," she finished, her nostrils flaring dangerously.

"But Professor, I've got a Quidditch practice tonight," James protested.

"Then I suggest, as Captain, Potter, that you reschedule training for another night and tread more carefully in the future. Captain's privileges can easily be stripped. You are dismissed." The four trooped out of the office and joined the throng of students headed to lunch. James was still grumbling as he entered the Great Hall and, with a single gesture, gathered his team around him.

"Alright, practice is cancelled. I'll see you all tomorrow night at eight." Without a word of explanation, he sat down beside Lily, a murderous expression still fixed on his face. Sirius was looking like-wise unhappy.

"I can't believe I have another detention. Clarissa is going to kill me." He snatched up a chicken leg and bit into it ferociously.

"Well, you have to admit that it was rather worth it, though," Remus spoke up, a light smile on his face. "I mean, we did humiliate him and we did make sure that he would never touch Lily again. Detention is a small price to pay."

Lily beamed at him and James admitted that it was true. He didn't like that they were going to be spending even less time over the next week; N.E.W.T.S. were fast approaching and he knew that Lily would study herself into the ground. He also knew that he would do likewise, determined to become something of worth. He wanted Lily to be proud that she was his girlfriend, in and out of Hogwarts, providing they were still together outside of the school.

Later that day, after Transfiguration, James caught Lily by the hand and they hid in a corner for a quick snog and then it was off to Potions. James disliked the Professor, thinking that Slughorn played favorites a bit too much and too obviously. He doted upon Lily and was constantly praising her for her remarkable aptitude in the subject. They worked beside each other in comfortable silence, which was broken when James asked Lily to clarify certain instructions for she _was_ rather talented. After Potions, a fifth-year girl timidly approached James, bearing a scroll tied with brown string. She looked positively terrified to be speaking with him but seemed determined to carry out her task.

"P-P-Professor McGonagall w-wants me to g-give you this," she stuttered, holding it out to him. He took it, accidentally brushing his fingers against hers and she shivered, a look of surprised ecstasy crossing her face. Lily made a strange sound and he turned his head sharply to look at her. She was regarding the girl in front of her with haughty disdain and disbelief, expressions that he had never seen her wear before.

"Thanks," he said, wagging the scroll in the air. The girl giggled shrilly, then rushed away, clearly embarrassed. James untied the parchment and read its contents, detailing the time and place for his detention that evening.

"Hmph," Lily snorted, crossing her arms defensively. "I don't like her." James looked at her incredulously.

"Do I take it that Lily Evans is jealous because a fifth-year girl giggled when her boyfriend said thanks?" He elbowed her lightly in the ribs and she turned disapproving eyes on him.

"I am not jealous!" she cried, firing up at once. "I just don't like it when girls think it's perfectly fine to flirt with you in front of me!" Laughter bubbled up his throat and he hugged her to him, none too gently.

"You are so _cute_ when you're jealous."

"I am NOT jealous!" she protested, wriggling away from him and then straightening her robes. James watched her fondly as she smoothed back her beautiful red hair and shook out the nonexistent wrinkles in her robes.

"Lily, are you busy tonight?" he blurted out.

"James, you know we have to study for N.E.W.T.S. They're coming along pretty quickly now and I don't want to be caught unexpected. Besides, we have detention."

"Yes, well, after that. After our detention. I just need to talk to you about something. Something—important." He was suddenly unable to look her in the eye and instead focused on a spot of dirt on his trainers.

"I can't, James, sorry. I would love to, but—I'm really behind in my studies and I'm so overwhelmed with homework." She gave him an apologetic smile and then stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek. He turned his face and caught her lips with his. He felt, rather than saw, her smile and deepened the kiss as she tangled her fingers in his hair. "Come on, we'll be late to Charms." Her green eyes were smoky and her lips curled seductively as she beckoned him to follow her. After dinner, they went their separate ways; Lily down to Professor Slughorn's office in the dungeons and James to the trophy room for their detentions.

Later that night, James rubbed his eyes tiredly as he left Filch. It was late and he wondered whether Lily had finished with her detention yet. His muscles were hurting; Filch had made him scrub the trophy room floor with a toothbrush, then proceeded to have him polish the various rewards kept behind the glass doors. He was thankful to return to his room and take a bath to remove the smell of polish that he had brought with him.

Coming out of his bathroom and toweling his hair dry, he thought of everything that had happened. His falling head over heels for a girl who, for all he knew, would not care whether he stayed in her life outside of Hogwarts. A part of him wanted to know if she felt, or would ever feel, the same way about him as he did for her but another part of him was too scared about the prospect that her answer would not be what he hoped it was. He was torn between taking the plunge and protecting his heart. It scared him that he was so unsure of what was happening; in previous relationships, he had always been in control. He had known what he was dealing with and, especially with his one-night shag partners, knew that he wouldn't be the one hurt at the end of the night. It was completely different with Lily, though. Out of respect for her, he had slowed his pace considerably. Where he would have shagged another girl after the second date, he hadn't even shagged Lily after months of dating. He had always known that girls fancied him, usually far more than he fancied them. With Lily, he was wholly in the dark as to her feelings for him, which, he was afraid, would be far less than what he felt for her.

It all came down to that. Whether or not she was willing to trust him with the most fragile and precious part of her, whether she was willing to open her heart to him and give him the opportunity to care for it, for her. James groaned in frustration and paced the parameters of his room, thinking furiously. He wanted her to know that he loved her. With everything that he had, he wanted to assure her that he would take care of her forever and always. But there was a fear, deep down inside him, that she would not want him to be there with her forever and always. She was still holding back, not just physically, but emotionally. The physical part of their relationship was wonderful just as it was. Her smell and the feel of her lips were intoxicating as ever and he was satisfied just holding her. Emotionally, she was still reserved, guarded, though he had to admit that she had taken some significant strides. She trusted him for the most part but, in matters of the heart, he wasn't sure she was willing to jump into the dark, even if he promised to hold her hand all the way.

Of course, he was closer to her than anyone else had ever been. She had confessed to him that she had told things to him, had entrusted him with secrets that she had never shared with any living soul. Now, all he wanted to do was for her to trust everything to him, to let down every last wall that she had built up around her heart and soul, to give herself over to him without any inhibitions.

_Go to sleep, dammit! _Lily turned over on her stomach and punched her pillow in frustration. It was the second night in a row that sleep hadn't come to her and she was at a loss of what to do. Her mind continued to whirl in all directions, making sleep rather difficult to find.

First, there was the ever-present and looming thought of N.E.W.T.S. and, with the week's detention, she knew she would make little headway into studying. It bothered her more than she cared to let on and her stomach now twisted in the anxiety that she would fail the exams and go on to be a complete failure in life. These exams meant her whole livelihood as a full-fledged adult, her choice of career depended upon it. And they were getting so near. Lily prided herself upon being an above-average witch and student. She pushed herself to her limits, doing her utmost to understand what was being said and taught by her teachers. She mastered skills more quickly than others and applied herself so much more than her students, and she knew it. If anything, she should be feeling confident that her magical aptitude was more than capable to handle the test at that very moment as she lay in bed. So why did she always second-guess herself?

She supposed it had to do with living under an older sister who was frigid, spiteful, and had always done her best to let Lily know that she was a stupid little girl. Petunia had never been close to her and they had always fought like cats and dogs. Well, Petunia had fought and Lily had done her best to deflect any such thing from occurring. However, like any girl, especially one with her fiery attitude, she lost her temper on countless occasions, which didn't help matters.

All in all, Lily knew that she and her sister would never get along; they were just too different. Petunia was severe, rigid, and controlling. She liked everything to be just so and hated surprises. Things had to be neat and orderly, with not even a hint of dust, or else she would be uncomfortable. Lily, on the other hand, was spontaneous and independent, but liked to avoid chaos. She loved things that were out of the ordinary and couldn't be less bothered about a little bit of dirt, though she did keep herself (and her room) quite clean. Petunia was interested in what people thought of her and wasn't a very bright girl, preferring to spend her energies on makeup and vanity. Lily liked to surprise people with her ingenuity and her brain, not her appearance. The two sisters were at opposite ends of a spectrum and they repelled each other. It was sad, but true, and Lily had learned to live with it ever since she got her Hogwarts letter.

Her mind turned from her sister, and she rolled over onto her back. _Then there's the problem of James._ He wasn't so much of a problem—more like an enigma. She just couldn't see why he would be so interested in her. She was a schoolgirl, loving every minute she could spend with her books. James was wild, reveling in adventure. She saw the girls he had been with and they were nothing like her. Those girls were fun-loving and carefree; with large breasts and pouty lips, they seemed to have no qualms about jumping into bed with whoever showed the slightest interest. But Lily wasn't like that, at all. James had matured greatly and it was obvious to everyone. She liked this new James, in fact, she rather liked him a lot. Their time together was always interesting and filled with comfort and she loved spending time with him, even if it was outdoors under a tree, just talking. They seemed to do that a lot. James, as it turned out, was much more willing to listen to her deepest fears and doubts about anything and everything than many of the other boys she had dated in the past. She had opened up to him and a part of her was scared that he would use that knowledge to take advantage of her but he hadn't done that so far, even when she had been at her most vulnerable. He was proving to her that he was trustworthy and showing her what a great person he was, rather than claiming it with words.

It wasn't that James was the problem. Lily was, to put it plainly, scared. She was scared of where this relationship would take her. None of her previous relationships, if they even deserved the title, had been this serious, nor had _she_ felt so seriously about them. There was just something _different_ about being James' girlfriend, a sense of permanency that she had never felt before. It was frightening; Lily felt as if she was blind and didn't know where she was and, if there was anything Lily hated more, it was that feeling of utter helplessness. But, then again, she supposed it was a good sort of frightening, exhilarating, even. She never knew what was going to happen next but she was always pleasantly surprised and James coaxed her along, helping her push the boundaries of her comfort zone. He was patient with her and knew when to stop pushing. She was scared that she was getting so damn attached to him. Every morning, she looked forward to a cheery good morning greeting and hug from James. Every night, she waited for a soft, whispered "Night, Lil" and a tender kiss right before she went to bed. Her heart was falling fast for the tall, lean Quidditch player with the captivating hazel eyes that always had a smile and reassurance for her should she need it. It all seemed too good to be true. James was simply too good to be true and everyday, Lily waited with bated breath as to whether she would wake up from her wonderful dream and every morning, she heaved a sigh of relief when James showed up in front of her portrait, ready to tackle the day at her side.

_God, you really are a hopeless romantic._ Lily was, shamelessly. As a little girl, she had always dreamed of her Prince Charming, the man who would show up one day, out of the blue, and sweep her off her feet. James had done just that: swept her right off her feet. She had to admit it: she was falling head over heels for the man whom she had once shouted at for putting a spider upon her head. Her little-girl-dreams were coming true but, as her practical side always reminded her, fairy tales hardly ever do come true. Reality is just not a place fit for fairy tales to thrive and happily-ever-afters are almost never a possibility. With James, they always seemed a possibility, though. With James, her future was bright and Lily was happy and nothing could stand in her way.

_Are you in love?_

Lily blinked, startled at the thought, which until then hadn't occurred to her. Love. It made sense. It really did. She loved him. She loved him so very, very much.

_What if he doesn't feel the same? He fancies me, I know that for sure. But, will he—can he—ever love me?_ Lily didn't know what she would do or say if the answer was 'no.' She had gotten so used to him and his friends and the security that they brought to her that she couldn't bear to lose them.

_But if he can't love you the same way, will you be able to stand being near him at all?_

Lily knew that her answer would also be in the negative.

And the thought scared the living daylights out of her.

A/N: More of a filler chapter but there are important things. YAY! Two-sided Lily/James love status COMPLETE!

Oh, I was thinking about this awhile ago… I never mentioned Christmas! And since N.E.W.T.S. are getting ever so much closer… I can't very well stick it in here now! Don't know if any of you noticed but… just had to say it. So think of the story taking place between February and the end of the year. Is that a reasonable time-table? Hmm… thanks for all your wonderful reviews! They encourage me so much!

Demonessjo: Ahhh, you've caught a plot hole! Kudos to you! I didn't notice it (obviously) so I'll be sure to revise it. I was so sure I'd put something in there… ah well… I'm not perfect. Oh, alright, there was something you mentioned in your review… about how Lily should have gone to Madame Pomfrey or done healing spells on herself. See, she didn't _want_ to go. That was her choice. She should have, albeit for her own good but going to Madame Pomfrey would have meant admitting what had happened to her and she was in that denial phase where she just couldn't mentally deal with having to admit that she was raped. Hope that's cleared up and thanks for the honest review. I hope you stick with me and this story.


	20. Chapter twenty

Disclaimer: there is no such thing as Harry Potter without J.K. Rowling. Not mine.

N.E.W.T.S. finally arrived and Lily found herself staying up past two in the morning to study spells, wandwork, and potions that she had already memorized weeks in advance. The exams were brutal, taxing every bit of memory and skill that she possessed. It was difficult to concentrate on certain tasks and the growing heat only served to distract her even more. Several students in her class were taken to the hospital wing and given Calming Droughts by Madam Pomfrey; one girl had become hysterical, screaming that her head was about to explode and that she wanted to die. Lily only bent her head further over her parchment, frantically scribbling answers as fast as her hand would allow. Halfway through answering the last question on the written portion, her quill snapped, spurting ink all over the page. She cursed loudly and every head in the room turned to her.

"Now really, Miss Evans!" The ancient examiner, Professor Marchbanks, hurried over, indignation and reproach written all over her age-lined face. "Do try and keep your frustration to yourself."

"But Professor," Lily protested weakly, holding out her ruined exam, "I was finished and the quill snapped and—now it's ruined and no one'll be able to read it and I'll fail, and I can't _afford_ to fail. And there's not enough time to go back and redo the whole thing."

"Now dear, that's a simple matter. Here, let me help you." The examiner pulled out her wand, waved it at the parchment, and the ink splatters disappeared. "There, good as new." Lily thanked her, brought out another quill and finished the last question. She stood and weaved her way through the desks, past the students who were bent over their exams, many of whom were muttering distractedly. With a tiny sigh of relief, Lily placed her exam on the desk and made her way back to her seat, where she pulled out her Potions textbook and various loose-leaf notes which she immediately began to peruse. When the examination was over and the last piece of parchment placed on the desk at the front of the room, Lily took up her bag, clutching her Potions things to her chest, and pushed her way past the throngs of students, most of whom were commiserating among each other about how poorly they had done.

Dinner was a quiet affair among the seventh-year students who were too busy studying to talk and relax as they would usually have done. Several students were reading over textbooks as they ate, so concentrated upon the information before them that they frequently missed their mouths with their forks, succeeding in spilling food all over themselves. Lily ate quickly, hoping to visit the library to pick out several books which she hoped would help her cram more information into her already overfull brain.

"What I'm wondering is how you're managing not to choke," James commented, watching her with raised eyebrows and a smile playing around his lips. She laid down her fork and knife and turned to him, with as much dignity as she could. "You'll do just fine, Lil. You know you're the brightest witch in our year. You'll pass all your N.E.W.T.S. with no problem at all." He grabbed her hand and squeezed it affectionately.

"Yes, well, I'm not going to take any chances." She pulled her hand away and stood, slinging her stuffed bag over her shoulder. Taking notice of his shocked expression, she smiled warmly, "Thanks for the vote of confidence, though." Without another word, she leaned down and kissed his cheek before leaving briskly through the door.

Later that night, Lily closed the last dusty book in her pile and placed it neatly back on its shelf. Her eyes were itching with tiredness and she knew that she really ought to get to bed, else she fell asleep during her exam the next morning. Leaving the library slowly, she dragged herself to her portrait and, once inside, collapsed upon her bed. The next thing she knew, a reproachful voice was talking above her.

"Really, Lily, you ought to take better care of yourself." She lifted her head, blinking several times before James face swam into view. He was wearing an exasperated expression. "Look at you, you look awful. And sleeping in your robes can't be comfortable." James sighed and he bent down to remove her shoes, placing them neatly beside the bed. "Come on, let's get you cleaned up and ready for bed."

Too tired to complain, Lily allowed herself to be picked up and carried to the bathroom, where she was placed gently upon the toilet cover. James soaked a washcloth in warm water and sponged her face, wiping away streaks of dust which had wheezed from the books she had pored over for so long. Kneeling in front of her now, his hands went to her robes and he slowly unclasped those, sliding them down her shoulders and to the floor. In a haze of tiredness, Lily barely noticed that he was looking rather nervous and uncomfortable. He unbuttoned her shirt and slowly took that off as well. His fingers trailed along her arms and she shivered as his touch sent fingers of pleasure coursing through her. James reached behind him and produced a nightie, which he slipped over her head, covering up her exposed bra.

"Um, Lil? Do you, d'you think you could stand up? I need to—to take off your skirt." He blushed furiously as he said that, and looked at his knees rather than her face. Lily obliged and James reached up, unbuttoning her skirt and allowing it to fall in a pile around her feet. She stepped out of it and he stood, finally locking gazes with her. She recoiled as if she had been burned; the raw emotion raging within those hazel orbs was startling. "Here, you need to get to bed." He lifted her off her feet and laid her in bed, covering her with the thick blankets. She snuggled under the cover and stretched luxuriously, allowing her body to relax into the soft mattress. James smiled fondly at her and leaned over, kissing her on her forehead. "Good night, Lil. Sleep tight."

"Good night, James," she whispered, falling asleep even as she mumbled the words.

* * *

He watched those beautiful eyes of hers close slowly as she dropped into sleep. What had just taken place was the most erotic thing that had ever happened to him, even counting his shamefully numerous sexual exploits previous to his relationship with Lily. He had just undressed her, rather slowly too, which allowed him to take in every freckle and appreciate every inch of her creamy silky skin. He had felt her shiver, presumably with pleasure, as he ran his fingers delicately over her arms. Kneeling in front of her, he had slowly peeled off her articles of clothing, albeit the more impersonal ones as he had left her bra and knickers where they were. She had allowed him to see her without her heavy robes or jumpers hiding that beautiful, perfect body. Every move that he'd made tender and loving and the whole thing was the most intimate experience he'd ever had with a person of the opposite sex. Indeed, he almost felt as if he'd just made love to her.

"I love you, Lily Evans," he murmured softly to the slumbering girl before him. "I love you more than you could ever fathom." If only he could find the courage to tell her to her face…

He left the room soon after, knowing that he should have gotten to bed hours earlier. His plan to fall asleep as soon as he reached his room was changed as he found Remus and Sirius waiting for him.

"Hello, mate, good of you to join us. Finally." Sirius added the last bit in an undertone. James blinked.

"Where have you been? It's past two and you're off gallivanting around the castle. During N.E.W.T.S. too!" Remus shook his head, wondering, as James knew well, how he had gotten involved with such irresponsible and rule-breaking students.

"I was with Lily," James shrugged, moving to the bathroom to change his clothes. Sirius let out a whistle and a hoot of laughter, which belied his surprise, shown in his widened eyes.

"With Lily! No wonder you look so tired!" he laughed again and clapped his friend on the shoulder, "good for you, mate!"

"It wasn't that, stupid," James rolled his eyes, running a hand through his already messy hair. "We didn't do anything. I just—helped her get ready for bed." Sirius stared, goggle-eyed, while Remus just smiled knowingly.

"And you didn't try anything! What's gotten into you?" Sirius began to eye him closely, as if checking for any signs that the boy standing before him was a duplicate and not his real friend.

"No, I didn't, Padfoot," James replied, sounding rather indignant at the suggestion. "What kind of person would I be if I tried anything?"

"So, Prongs old pal, are you falling in love with Miss Lily Evans?" Remus interjected suddenly, shoving him onto the bed.

"I—what—eh?" James looked from Remus to Sirius and then back again. Both were watching him and Remus still had a smirk on his face.

"You heard me. Are you falling in love with Lily?" It was such a simple question and James knew that he had the answer. However, it was one thing to admit it to himself in the privacy of his room or to a deeply slumbering girl who had no chance of hearing him than it was to admit to his best mates, both of whom were smiling and waiting for him to say something.

"Well," he stalled for time and even to the two people he trusted the most, he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. "No, I'm not." The assured smiles on his friend's faces slid quickly away, replaced with shock and disbelief. "I'm not falling in love with her because I already AM in love." James looked down and swallowed the lump in his throat, which was making breathing quite difficult to do. "I love her so much that it feels as if I'll burst. I look at her and think that I'm the luckiest person on earth just because I get to look at her and talk to her and see her everyday. And—I want to be there with her forever for as long as I live." He smiled broadly, "she's the most beautiful woman I've ever known." Then his smile faded, slowly, like a flower wilting in the sun. "I just don't know how I'm going to tell her. She deserves to know what I feel about her but—what if—what if she's not ready for—that? What if I just—end up scaring her away?"

"James, you should tell her when you feel that it's right. She obviously cares for you a lot and she's been looking a lot happier and a lot less peaky since the two of you have started dating."

"She's right for you, mate. I know we've taken the micky but—you're happy with her and—I've known you long enough to know that someone who challenges every word you say is someone who'll end up being the one by your side. Just do what Moony says, tell her when it's right." Sirius sat down beside his friend. "Only, you have to promise me one thing, in payment for putting up with all that moaning about Lily Evans."

"What is that?" James asked, startled.

"When you marry her and have a kid with her, I'll be the godfather." Sirius puffed out his chest, "I'm the best choice there is and you know it." James laughed gleefully and punched his best mate on the shoulder.

"Yeah, Sirius, whatever you say." But something about Sirius' words struck him suddenly, "Hey, Padfoot, you said—'when' instead of—of 'if.'"

"Well, yeah. Let's just say that I have a feeling that you two are going to end up together, whether you like it or not."

"But—but how can you be sure?" A feeling of panic bloomed in his chest. "I mean, what if we don't. What if this is too good to be true and something—something happens and we—go our separate ways?"

"Hey, mate, calm down," Sirius looked rather alarmed at the sudden change in James' mood. "You never know what's going to happen but there's just something about the two of you—that just—I dunno—feels right." He patted the stag Animagus awkwardly on the back and looked at Remus, clearly imploring him to say something.

"C'mon Padfoot. It's getting late and we still have exams tomorrow. Prongs, get to bed." Remus ushered the protesting Sirius out of the room and gave James a reassuring smile. "We mean everything we've said today. Just stop worrying, okay?G'night." The portrait closed behind them and James was left alone with his thoughts.

_So, how are you going to tell her?_

I dunno.

_Why don't you just say it? Blurt it out._

No, that wouldn't be very nice. I want it to be special.

_Flowers and chocolate?_

Too cliché.

_A poem?_

No good with those.

_Then what do you want to do!_

I don't know. All I know is that one way or another, I've got to convince Lily Evans that I'm being honest and sincere.

_You've proved that already, haven't you?_

Well, yeah, I have. It's just that—she's holding back on me. There's something there, something she doesn't even think about when she's alone.

_Well, maybe you have to coax her into letting that into the open before she can truly believe that you love her._

How?

_Talk to her._ He flopped back in bed. It sounded so simple. All he had to do was walk up to the girl of his dreams, open his mouth, and breach a subject that she feared so much she wouldn't even think about it. Yeah, right, simple. But it was the only thing he could think of to get Lily to be completely honest with him.

Alright, I'll talk to her. I just—have to think about what to say.

_Not to mention how to say it._

A/N: okay, I think this will be the last update for a while. Hopefully not too long. Heh. XD I love you all, my faithful readers!


	21. Chapter twenty one

Disclaimer: Muchas I want them, they aren't mine.

"James!"Lily shrieked, laughing wildly. "James, stop it! Stop!" She twirled gracefullyaway from him but he jumped at her and caught her once more, folding hismuscular arms around her and pinning her arms to her side.

"Oh, I've got you now, my pretty," he cackled, "and your little dog, too!" Lily shrieked again, twisting her body in a half-hearted, mock desperate attempt to get away from him. When she had succeeded, she bounded to the lake and scooped a handful of water which she splashed in his face as he tried to sneak up on her to push her into the water. He blinked at her for a moment; his expression was so comical that Lily had trouble stopping the giggles that shook her shoulders. "Ohhhh," he moaned, "I'm melting… meellllttttiiiinnggggg!" As he moaned and groaned, he slowly crumpled his long legs and then fell, twitching, on the green grass.

"Okay, James, you can stop that now," Lily laughed, dropping to her knees beside him. After a few more moments of silence, Lily leaned over and kissed him. Just as she expected, he responded, sitting up as he did so. One hand went to her hair and tangled itself into her red hair, while the other rested on her cheek, its thumb tracing small circles of fire. Feeling unfriendly eyes upon them, Lily broke away from the kiss to look about her. _There_. She sighed in frustration when she spotted the familiar group of girls sitting not too far from where they were, all staring hard at her and James.

"What is it?" James whispered into her ear, nipping her earlobe and the soft, sensitive flesh just behind the appendage. "Don't let them get to you, Lils. I can't see them, remember?"

"You can't—but I can. Do you realize how many times they've tried to corner me in the corridors? Everywhere I go, there they are. They watch me and glare at me and whisper horrible things to me as they pass by. It's stupid and childish, I know, but I can't help wishing that they'd leave me alone. _Why_ can't they see that you're _mine_?"

"Maybe I should have the words 'I belong to Lily Evans' tattooed on my forehead. How would you like that?" James nuzzled her neck and her lips parted ever so slightly.

"Much as I appreciate the thought, I really don't think that'll help. I mean, I know you're rather homely but do you really think a tattoo would help? I'm afraid you're a lost cause."

"Are you implying that I'm not—attractive?" his voice rose to a high-pitched whisper and Lily nodded her head.

"Homely. But at least you're mine." She turned her head suddenly and their lips met. Even though her eyes were closed, she knew he was smiling, could feel it warming her like the touch of sunshine in the spring. _If I didn't know any better, Evans, I'd say you were becoming a bloody romantic._

"Well, well, well, if it isn't Lily and James Potter," a cruel and bitterly mocking voice passed over her momentary bliss like a cloud covering the sun. She looked up with indignant eyes at the girl standing before them with her hands on her bony hips. "If you're going to swallow each other's tongues, we'd all prefer it if you did it in private. I mean, Lily, dearest, you've worked so hard to keep up your reputation as a prude. It would be a shame if all that went to waste and you were exposed for the tart that you are."

"What?" Lily jumped to her feet in abject fury. "That's rich coming from you, Marietta Jenkins. You, who have slept in every dormitory in this castle, who have so many notches on your proverbial belt that it just withered away into a million shreds, you? Tell me that you think I'm a slut. It would be funny if I wasn'tso inclined to curse you."

"Lily, Lily, perhaps it'd be best if you calm down?" James was also on his feet and he spoke in a placating tone, though he fixed the girl with an angry stare. She shook her head so violently that her red hair flew all over the place and James received a mouthful.

"No! No, James. I can handle myself, thank you very much. And don't worry, I'm not going to do anything to her, I won't stoop to her level. Come on, let's go."Lily turned smartly on her heel and stalked away, a grin lifting the corners of her lips when James slipped his hand in hers, his stride matching her own.

"You know, Lily, I was wondering if you'd finished McGonagall's essay?"

"Oh James, don't tell me that you're asking to copy me," Lily reprimanded, without breaking stride, "You are Head Boy after all."

"How could you think I would be asking you to do such a thing!" James retorted sounding scandalized. "I was merely asking you because I have something planned for the both of us but we can't very well have a romantic evening at the top of the Astronomy tower if you still have to do your Transfiguration essay.Besides, I'm already finished with it."

"Hmm, I suppose that would be possible," Lily looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "What do you have in mind?" James stopped and yanked Lily's hand so that she fell against him.

"That's a surprise, Lil. What fun would it be if it wasn't a surprise?" He let go of her and she stepped away from him, brushing her robes back into place. "It's 5 o'clock. I'll meet you at the Tower in two hours? Will that be enough time?" She nodded and the two parted ways.

James hummed to himself as he checked his appearance in the mirror. After taking a bath and changing his school robes for something of a more formal nature, he had attempted to make his hair behave. Eventually, he gave up, breaking his comb and throwing the pieces across the room, almost hitting his cat, who yowled angrily and scampered under the bed. The Astronomy Tower was set up and he hoped that Lily would be open to what he had in mind. He had to admit, as unpleasant as it was, that he was feeling rather nervous about the evening. He would be broaching a subject that he knew she might not be ready to discuss and the only thing he could do was to pray that she wouldn't become scared and run away from him.

Later, in the Astronomy Tower, he checked his watch nervously, aghast that only a minute had passed, a minute that had taken ten thousand years. He fidgeted, eyeing the table in disdain, before reaching out and straightening a napkin.There. His hand shook and he knocked a wineglass glass over, watching in horror as it rolled slowly off the table.

"Wingardium Leviosa," he muttered a second before it crashed into a million pieces on the floor. The spell was basic, a sign that he was preoccupied. "Accio." The glass flew into his hand and he set it gently back on the table. Lily had better arrive soon or he would end up breaking every dish on the table. His nerves were shot and, without thinking, he was pacing the tower.

"James?" The blessed sound of her voice reached his ears and he bounded to the stairwayto greet her. "Wow," she breathed, taking in the sight of the table. Her eyes sparkled. "You are—amazing, you know that?"

"No, _you_ are." He led her by the hand to the table and she sat delicately on the offered chair. He waved his hand and food appeared on the table, a special favor of the house-elves down in the kitchens.

As they ate, James rehearsed his questions in his head, wondering when it would be appropriate to bring up the subject.

"You seem a bit distracted. Is everything okay?" Lily asked as dessert appeared. James was about to shake his head but then, thinking better of it, he put down his fork and looked seriously at her.

"Actually, I was wondering if we could have a bit of a talk?" The smile disappeared from her face and she inclined her head slightly, as though to hear better.

"What d'you mean 'talk'?" Her voice was forced calm.

"It's not what you think. I just—wanted to know something."

"What?" Lily asked in clipped tones. She was no longer occupied with her food and was staring at James with large eyes that betrayed her apprehension.

"Well, I dunno really. I—I just wanted to ask if there was anything you wanted to talk about. You know, about your—your rape." At his words, there was a loud crash and James looked up to see a wineglass smashed to bits on the floor, the blood-red liquid spreading across the floor.

"You want me to talk about that night? You really want to know about that—that horrible memory?" Lily's voice was a shrill whisper and there was fire and fear flashing from her eyes. "Tell me, James, do you really want to open that particular Pandora's box?"

"Lil, listen to me," he pleaded, standing now and approaching her. "I'm only asking because I feel like you're holding something back, hiding something from me, and it can't be healthy to do that. I would never do anything, or ask anything of you that I think would not help you in any way. Please, Lily, what is it that you find so horrible that you cannot bring yourself to tell me?" He knelt beside her, his head level with hers.

She looked away from him and, for one horrible second, James thought that she would stand and leave him there. Then, he heard her sniffle and, gently, he turned her face toward him, his thumb reaching up to wipe away the tears tracing tracks down those beautiful porcelain cheeks that he had come to love so much. She slid off her chair toward him and he gathered her in his arms, scooting back until he came into contact with the stone wall that circled the top of the tower. He just held her, their breathing completely matched.

"I was a virgin, James," she whispered. "He robbed me of the privilege to give that gift to my husband. I was a _virgin_." Her body began to shake and James tightened his grip around her as she clutched his shirt to her. "I was—saving it for him." She leaned her head against his chest and he rested his chin against the top of her head, breathing in the smell of her shampoo.

The thought of what she was saying hit him so hard that he lost his breath. He had never thought of it before, being a virgin when he got married. It hadn't even entered into his mind that he might consider it. He had gone and lost his virginity at the earliest possible moment, with a girl whose name he didn't even remember. Back then, being a virgin had been a liability that would have earned him the taunting of the senior Quidditch players. Now, holding the girl he had come to love, he wished that he had been willing to wait for her.

He didn't even know how to answer her. He had expected it to be something like this but—now that she had actually told him, he had no idea of what to say. The very idea that she had been saving something so precious to her for someone, that that someone might have been him, boggled him.

"I love you." Three words that burst so unexpectedly from his mouth. He had tried so long to say it to her, to confess those feelings, and they had come so suddenly that even he was surprised. He felt, rather than saw, her smile and she shifted against him.

"Je t'aime aussi." Her face still had evidences of her tears but her eyes were now smiling at him and she looked so beautiful that his chest hurt to think that someone could possibly hurt her without hating themselves.

"I love you, Lily Evans, and nothing, _nothing_, will ever change that. Not your stubbornness, or your bossiness, or whatever few faults you may have." He paused for a moment before continuing, "I know that you aren't a virgin and that it meant so much to you but, gods, Lily, I just care that you're here and that you're mine."

"I know." And the two lapsed into a comfortable, companionable silence. After James had cleaned up their dinner, they sat in the warm spring air, watching the stars twinkle merrily above them. Holding Lily in his arms and feeling her body against his, James knew that she was the one with whom he would spend the rest of his life. He knew, in that deep place within him, that he could never be with anyone else. So he settled against the wall, pulled her closer, and reveled in the thought.

A/N: Well, it's still not done. There's more. I suppose. This chapter's a bit short but it's more like a turning point so I guess it's okay. I just wanted to post something.


	22. chapter twenty two

Disclaimer: I do not own them (though I wish I did since I love them so much!)

A/N: So…from now on, the chapters will span much longer periods of time and there may be a few days/months between one chapter and the next. Don't worry, I'll let you know how much time has elapsed. This one is set about two years after the last. Without further ado…

"Lily!" James shouted, pointing his wand toward something behind her. "Lily, duck!" She whipped her head around, her red hair flying everywhere, and threw herself flat on the floor. "Take THAT, you bastard!" A flash of red light shot from his wand and he heard a dull thud as the assailant fell, stupefied. "You okay?" he asked, rushing to Lily. She smiled at him and nodded, sitting up and pushing her hair out of her face.

"Very nice, you two. Good work." The voice of their assailant spoke above them, ringing with pride. "Though I daresay you two would do better to focus on your task than on each other."

"Thank you, sir," Lily blushed, taking the hand offered to her.

"You've got some nerve, Miss Evans, but take care. You are not indestructible," Mad-Eye Moody growled, though he was smiling. "And you," his eyes flew to James, who shifted uncomfortably under the stern gaze, "you would do well to trust your partner just a bit. She may be slight but she sure is tough." A grizzled hand went to his ribs and he chuckled. "She's got a hell of a punch, I assure you."

"Oh, sorry, sir. I didn't mean to hurt you." Lily apologized.

"Don't apologize. You did well, both of you. Now, get out of my sight and get some rest. You two have been working too hard. Go home." Then, as they turned to leave the battle area, he called them back. "You've got a special bond, you two. I've never seen another couple so in tune with each other before. Well, except for Frank and Alice Longbottom, but there you are."

"Thanks, sir. Good-bye, sir. We'll see you…around." James beamed, grabbing Lily's arm as he dragged her toward the nearest fireplace, a few corridors down. "Hurry up, Lily," he groaned impatiently when she stopped to say hello to a friend who was also in training to be an Auror.

"What's the big rush?" she complained, trotting beside him. "You're being completely rude. All those people—Alice, Frank! It's been awhile, hasn't it? Well, goodbye then!—are saying hello and you're not even responding!"

"Oh, just hurry it up, would you, Lily?" he asked, picking up his pace until the two of them were fairly running through the halls. "We're going to be late and I want tonight to be perfect!" She became silent in the effort to keep up with his longer legs and soon, the two were at the fireplaces, in which bright green flames were crackling merrily. He pushed her into one and hopped into another and soon, he arrived at the flat he shared with Sirius. His friend was still at the training arena and would be getting home later than usual, as they had agreed earlier in the week. Hurriedly, he got cleaned and dressed before he reached into his drawer, pulling out a purple velvet box.

It had been nearly two years since the two had first agreed to be a couple. Two years since James and Lily were both accepted into the Auror training program. Two whole years since he had first felt that Lily was the only one for him. Soon, they would be completing their training and he had made the decision to ask her to marry him. The very idea sent butterflies into his stomach and his heartbeat sped up so much that he had to take deep breaths to calm himself down, unwilling as he was to pass out.

"What have you got there, James?" He jumped mightily and whipped around, almost knocking Lily to the ground in his haste. Luckily, she had not seen the box and he managed to stow it away in the pocket of his dress robes before she realized what it was.

"N-nothing," he replied a little too eagerly and she gave him a suspicious look. "Shall we head on then?" She continued to look at him out of the corner of her eye but let it go and nodded, taking his arm and allowing him to whisk her away.

"Lil, can we talk?" James put his fork and knife down and looked at her, his face serious. She nodded and set her own utensils down on the table. He had not been himself all day and had seen rather preoccupied throughout the dinner, focusing more on his food than on making conversation.

"I'm listening," she replied, giving him a warm smile. He looked down at the food and then back up at her and back down again. "James?" He opened his mouth, turned red as a tomato and then closed it again.

"Lily, you know how I feel about you, right?" he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.

"Of course I do, why d'you ask?" She was becoming concerned now. He looked as though he would be sick all over the table any moment, or that he would start to cry.

"Well," he took a deep breath and reached into his breast pocket, pulling something out of it, though Lily couldn't see it as it was clenched tightly in his fist. Suddenly, a determined expression replaced the one of fear. "I love you more than you could possibly imagine and—I've been wanting to ask you for two years now but—I didn't think it was appropriate, since we were going to be in training and we were too busy and—I—I would do anything for you, Lily. Anything. I suppose what I'm trying to say is," he stood and went around the table to her; she turned in her seat to face him, her heart beating wildly. If she wasn't jumping too far ahead of herself…but she didn't dare to dream or hope.

"Lily Evans," James whispered, smiling softly as he knelt down on one knee in front of her and opened a small velvet box, "will you do me the honor of marrying me?" At those words, she felt her heart stop. She gave a little gasp and her mouth dropped open as she stared at him, half-disbelieving. For a moment, she didn't know how to answer and couldn't get her throat to work. Then she took in the sight of his face, worried and slightly green at her hesitance, and she smiled into his, his face blurring through her tears.

"I would," she swallowed hard, "be honored to marry you, James Potter." He grinned widely and slipped the ring onto her finger before she pulled him up and kissed him passionately.

"You have no idea how happy you've just made me, Lil," he said, smiling against her lips. "If I had to face a thousand dementors, I'd be able to take on each and every single one of them, just on the thought that I'll be marrying you."

"How sweet you are," she murmured, rolling her eyes. "How very poetic." He laughed and stood, tugging her to her feet.

"Let's go for a walk." They strolled out of the restaurant and into the snow, which was falling lightly from the midnight-blue sky. They walked contentedly for a while, hand-in-hand, and enjoyed the frigid air and the sight of the snow falling. When Lily began to shiver uncontrollably, James brought her to his flat and made her a cup of hot chocolate and they sat by the large bay window on the east side of the flat. Lily's head rested against James' neck and his legs and arms surrounded her. They talked for a long while but, eventually, lapsed into a peaceful silence as they simply enjoyed the company and warmth that the other's presence provided. Lily's eyes began to droop and she was vaguely aware of James' hands taking away her mug of chocolate. He shifted slightly and she made a muffled sound of protest, after which he became still again. As her breathing evened out and as she melted against his strong presence, she felt him press his lips lightly against her neck, just below her ear.

"I love you," he whispered against her skin, breathing a promise. She murmured her assent and fell asleep.

Sometime later, the door to the flat opened and a tall figure tiptoed through the portal. He swept his black hair out of his eyes and sighed heavily as he shrugged off his cloak. He let it drop to the floor and tossed his wand on a table that stood in the small entrance area. He mumbled quietly to himself and walked deeper into the flat, dragging his feet in his exhaustion. He had stayed late, working with a trainer to perfect his spellwork and aim. He had eaten nothing and his stomach growled angrily, reminding him of the fact. He stopped dead in his tracks, however, when he caught sight of the couple sleeping at the window. A smile tugged at his lips and he chuckled, despite his momentary unhappiness.

"Well, well, well," he murmured to himself. "What do we have here?" He shook his head fondly at the two and opened a cupboard which contained heavy wool blankets and took one out. "You two, you're going to get sick, lying by the window like that." Carefully, so as not to disturb his sleeping friends, he wrapped the blanket around them. In doing so, something sparkled on Lily's hand and he had to fight hard to suppress a whoop once he had leaned in and inspected it. "Now how about that? James Potter and Lily Evans, engaged." He grinned widely, his exhaustion forgotten. "Sirius Black, best man," he whispered quietly, rolling the words around on his tongue. "You know, it has a nice ring about it." Sirius Black finished laying the blanket around his two friends and walked to his room, smiling madly and chuckling. "This is going to be interesting."

* * *

"James? How are we going to tell everyone?" Lily asked when they awoke the next morning. "I mean, I'm supposing Sirius and Remus and Peter already know but—what about everyone else? Should we send owls?"

"Well, I rang up your parents on that strange Muggle contraption—what d'you call it?" he made a gesture, as if he was holding something up to his ear and Lily giggled.

"Telephone, James. It's called a telephone. Honestly, you should have taken Muggle Stu—"

"Right!" he said, cutting her off. "I rang up your parents on the telephone and set a date to have dinner with them and—er, what's your sister's name again?—Petunia. You know, to tell them the news." He grinned at her, obviously expecting her to be pleased.

"You did what?" she gasped, utterly horrified. "You set a date to have dinner with Mum and Dad and—and _Petunia_? Why on Earth would you do something like that?" His grin faded and was replaced by a worried look.

"Was I not supposed to call your parents? I—I'm sorry. I thought that perhaps you would like to tell them in person."

"No, no, that was very thoughtful of you, James. Thank you. But—but, why in heaven's name would you go and invite Petunia along?"

"She is your sister, Lily. Much as you two dislike each other, she is still your blood and she deserves to know that you are getting married. Besides, we've never met and you never know, perhaps she'll take a liking to me. I mean, how could she not like the handsome and charming James Potter?" He put a hand to his chest and batted his long lashes at her, a silly expression on his face. She flashed him a tense smile.

"When exactly are we going to have this dinner?" she asked, acquiescing to the idea that she would be seeing her sister in a matter of a few days. At least she had time to prepare herself for the meeting, or rather, confrontation.

"In three days, my dear," James smiled. "I figured, should you have turned me down, three days would be plenty of time to wheedle and beg and plead you to consider me. And, if your mind still wasn't changed, I would have time to cancel our dinner." Lily shook her head in amazement; there was no way she would have turned him down.

"Well, alright. I suppose we'll go then. But I'm counting on you to take my wand away from me before we leave. Or else you might witness the murder, or torture, at the very least, of Petunia Evans. I doubt my parents would be very pleased about that." James chuckled, the sound rumbling deep in his chest.

"Good. Because even if you didn't agree, I'd find a way to get you there."

* * *

It was six o'clock in the evening when Lily Evans made her way up the cobblestone walkway that led to the house where she had spent her childhood. James followed behind her, holding a bouquet of roses. He was wearing a pair of khaki pants, a beige turtleneck, which brought out the golden hues in his skin, and a long black coat. In fact, if Lily didn't know any better, he could walk down the streets of London and attract stares, not for his strange clothing, but for his strikingly good looks. On the other hand, she was wearing emerald green dress robes which accentuated her eyes.

"Lily," he hissed, grabbing her hand and stopping her before she could knock on the door. "Lily, are you sure your dad won't," he made a face, "shoot me? I mean, he was nice and all the first time you introduced us but—now that we're getting married, he might not be so…kind?" She giggled and took his face in her hands, bringing her lips to his for a quick kiss.

"Don't worry about it. He liked you well enough. Besides, if you're good enough for me, you'll be good enough for him." James still had a dubious expression on his face but Lily ignored it. She knocked on the door and called out, "Hello! Mum! Dad! We're here!" There were footsteps and then the door opened to reveal a pretty older woman, whom James thought looked very much like her daughter, except that she had sleek, dark brown hair instead of Lily's wildly curly red strands.

"Lily, darling!" Mrs. Evans cried, enveloping her daughter in a hug. "You haven't been to visit for a long time. Where have you been?"

"Nice to see you too, Mum," Lily rolled her eyes, laughing. "And, for your information, I've been busy with Auror training and work and all that. It's called a life, Mum, you should try it sometime."

"There you go again, as cheeky as you were when you were little." Her mother chucked her under her chin and then her eyes lit on James. A mischievous smile grew on her face and she nodded, looking knowledgably at Lily. "So you've been too busy to spend time with your parents but you've certainly found enough time to meet someone."

"Oh Mum, I knew him from school, you know that! You've met him before."

"Hello, Mrs. Evans, it's a pleasure to see you again," James bowed his head slightly and then handed the older woman her flowers.

"Aren't you a sweetheart?" Mrs. Evans smiled, smelling the flowers. "Well, these will go right in our finest vase. Come in, you two, don't just stand there." She turned and led the way into the warm house. "Oi, Ralph, you had better come and greet our guests!" Without another word, she hurried back into the kitchen, from which tasty smells were wafting.

"I'm coming, I'm coming, Virginia," a deep voice rumbled and a tall, burly man appeared in the door. His face cracked into a smile and he opened his arms. "So are you going to stand there, gawping at me or are you going to come and give dear old Dad a hug?" When father and daughter had sufficiently greeted each other, Mr. Evans turned and saw James, who fidgeted nervously for a moment before he stuck out his hand.

"Hi there, Mr. Evans."

"Nice to see you again, m'boy." Mr. Evans vigorously shook James' hand. "Come in, have a drink."

"Thanks, Dad." Lily smiled and led the way deeper into the house. She was smiling until they entered the living room, where Petunia sat stiffly with a ruddy-faced man. "Erm, hello Petunia."

"Lily," Petunia sniffed.

"Er, Petunia, this is James. James, this is Petunia." He offered his hand to Petunia, who looked at it with a horrified expression, as if he had handed her a platter of something disgusting. There was a very awkward silence before James cleared his throat and ran his fingers through his hair, obviously getting the message.

"It's nice to meet you, Petunia," he said sincerely, his hazel eyes twinkling with warmth. In that moment, Lily was filled with pleasure that she would be marrying him; he was trying so hard to be agreeable to her very disagreeable older sister and, despite the cold receiving, he was still so forgiving. Certainly more forgiving than she was.

James' charms were not working on Petunia, however much they had wooed others. She merely sat on the couch and glared at him. Likewise, the man sitting next to her looked just as uncomfortable and as horrified. Apparently, Petunia had filled him in on Lily's 'abnormalities.'

"Ah, James, so you've met Petunia," Mrs. Evans came bustling in from the kitchen, bringing all kinds of marvelous smells with her. "Has she introduced you to her friend? No? Well, dear, that's Vernon Dursley, her husband. They've only just gotten married. And we're so happy for them." Lily stiffened and James turned his head quickly to look at her. She shook her head almost imperceptibly at him and squeezed his hand, hoping that he understood she would tell him later.

"Congratulations, you two!" James said warmly, seizing Vernon Dursley's hand and pumping it. "Congratulations!" Vernon took his hand back quickly, a murderous look on his face. James seemed oblivious to it, however, and turned to Petunia. "You must be so happy."

"Of course," she sniffed, turning her nose up at him. "Wouldn't you be?" James grinned at the opening and strode back to Lily's side, slinging his arm across her shoulder.

"Actually, we have news of our own," he said proudly. "Lily, would you do the honors?" She wet her lips and looked at her family; her mother was already sniffing, her hands to her mouth, her father had a mixture of surprise and happiness, and her sister simply looked horrified.

"Mum, Dad, James and I have some good news." She paused and took a deep breath, steeling herself, before the words tumbled from her mouth in a rush. "We're going to be married."

"Oh Lily!" her mother cried, rushing at her with open arms. "Oh sweetie, I'm _so happy_ for you! Oh, this is the happiest day of my life!" The older woman promptly burst into tears around Lily's neck.

"Come, come, Virginia, dear, the point isn't for you to choke her to death." Mr. Evans pried his wife away from his daughter before he seized Lily into a huge hug, lifting her from the ground. "Daddy's little girl is getting married," he whispered gruffly into her neck. "Daddy's little girl." When the two broke apart, he sniffed and wiped away a tear or two.

"Welcome to the family, James! Welcome to the family!" Mrs. Evans pumped his hand, beaming. "I insist, simply _insist_, upon you calling me 'Virginia.' None of this pretentious 'Mrs. Evans' bit. I won't have it. You're part of the family now and—_oh_, I'm so happy!" She threw her arms around James' neck and hugged him mightily. "You've done such wonders for Lily, I don't know how I can ever thank you," she whispered into his ear. He coughed, embarrassed, and hugged her back.

"Now, you take care of Lily, you hear?" Mr. Evans came up to him, a mock-fierce look on his face. "And you call me Ralph."

"Yes, thank you, sir—I mean, Ralph," James took Lily's hand again and they sat down together on the love seat.

"Petunia? Aren't you going to congratulate Lily?" Virginia asked pointedly. Petunia did not move; instead, she threw a glare at her mother and raised her nose in the air. "Petunia!"

"Oh yes, you expect me to congratulate 'Daddy's little _freak_' and act simply _delighted _that she'll soon be marrying _another_ freak! And, next thing you know, they'll be producing _freak_ babies!" Lily stiffened and stood, her hand plunging into her robes. She whipped out her wand and advanced on her older sister, her lip curling into a snarl. "Go ahead, point that thing at me! We all know that Mum and Dad won't do anything to stop you." A strange sound rose from Lily's throat and she raised the wand, her lips forming a curse.

"_Expelliarmus_," James said, lazily, and her wand flew into his outstretched hand. "Sorry, Virginia, Ralph, I forgot to take this from Lily before we arrived." He smiled winningly at them; Lily's breath hitched in her throat and she stormed from the room, her face in her hands. "If you'll excuse me," he hurried to follow her. "Lily? Lil?" Her robes had barely whipped into a room and the door had barely slammed shut before he caught up with her. He attempted to open the door but it was locked. He whispered a spell and the latch clicked open, and he stepped into the room. She was pacing the room, looking murderously angry. "Lil," he said and grabbed her arm. She wrenched it away from him.

"Go _away_, James," she snapped, storming as far from him as the room would allow her. She couldn't let him see the hurt in her eyes and she knew that if he pulled her into one of his tender embraces, she would completely break down.

"Lily," he said again, this time from right behind her. He was so close she could feel his breath on her neck. Slowly, his hands traced a path across her side and then her stomach and they linked together and pulled her in until she was flush against his chest. She leaned her head back and a tear rolled down her cheek.

"I should be used to this by now," she whispered. "I should be used to whatever she says. I—I can't believe she can still hurt me so badly. She didn't—James, she didn't invite me to her wedding. My sister gets married and I'm the last in the family to know about it. Why does she hate me so much?" He held her closer and she relaxed completely into his arms, feeling her anger draining out of her, as though James was taking all of it onto his own shoulders to carry for her.

"She's just scared, Lily. You know that. She's just scared because you have all this power inside of you and she can't do anything to control it. You're a powerful witch and she's a mere Muggle, who wouldn't be scared?"

"I know but she's my sister. I would never hurt her deliberately. I may threaten but I couldn't hurt her badly. Why can't she see that?"

"Fear blinds, Lil. It's sad but true," he kissed her lightly on the mouth, a chaste, sweet kiss that lasted only a second but meant everything. "Now, what's say you dry off your tears and come with me downstairs to celebrate our news and partake of all those good smells. I'm starving." As he said those words, his stomach emitted a loud grumble and she laughed tearfully. Leave it to a boy to bring his stomach into the picture. He took her hand and brought her downstairs.

"Fine then! If she's not leaving, then _I_ am!" Petunia was shouting on her way out the door. Vernon Dursley was already in the car. She turned to see Lily and her face twisted with rage and jealousy. "I hope you and your _freak_ husband have a nice life," she hissed, and slammed the door behind her. The house was quiet and the only sound they heard was the click of Petunia's footsteps as she stormed away, the low roar of the car starting, and the screeching of tires as Petunia and Vernon Dursley drove away.

"Oh, so sorry you had to see that, James," Virginia said, making a valiant effort to smile through her tears and her trembling lip. "Let's eat now, shall we?" Dinner was a quiet affair and soon, Lily and James were saying their goodbyes.

"Bye Mum," Lily said, hugging her mother tightly. "I'll be in touch."

"Yes," Virginia smiled sadly, "let us know if you need any help with the wedding." They paused and mother and daughter looked meaningfully into each other's eyes. "Don't you listen to any of those hateful words, Lily Evans. You are my daughter and you are not a freak." Virginia's voice was filled with the quiet intensity that flared up in any mother when her child was threatened. "I love you, as different as you may be, I love you. Don't you forget that."

"Thanks Mum, I'll see you later." Lily took James' hand and they Disapparated into the night.

A/N: Ok, so there's a chapter. Hope you enjoyed! And I ask kindly that you all press that lovely review button and send a few greetings my way! I do love seeing reviews!


	23. Chapter twentythree

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns them. I don't.

A/N: This chapter takes place about 2 months from the last. (And I don't know much about how British wedding ceremonies go… so I'm using my limited knowledge of American wedding ceremonies and going from there…)

"James!" The man in question was nearly knocked off his feet as he was tackled by two of the only men with whom he trusted his life.

"Hullo, Sirius," he smiled. "Remus." He turned back to the mirror and groaned, running a hand through his already-rumpled hair. "Dammit." His fingers went to his throat and resumed working on his tie; he had no success and, after two minutes, he stopped and cursed again. Behind him, his friends exchanged amused smiles. "I can see you, you know," he snarled.

"You git," Sirius chuckled affectionately. "Here, let me help you." James was spun around and Sirius quickly fixed the tie, set it in place, and patted James' chest. "That should do the trick."

"How'd you know how to do that?" James asked, staring at the tie as though it would yield divine and ancient answers from its complex knot.

"It's his wedding day and he's asking me how I managed to make his Muggle clothes look presentable," Sirius remarked to Remus, who laughed as he straightened the lapels on James' tuxedo. "Tell me, again, why we're wearing Muggle clothes?"

"Because I thought it might be a bit strange for Lily's parents to see us wearing wizard dress robes."

"In other words," Sirius said, again speaking only to Remus, "that Lily asked him to make us wear Muggle clothes and he said yes." Sirius tutted, shaking his head. "Not even married and he's already whipped."

"I am not!" James cried indignantly. At the sight of his friends' raised eyebrows, he blushed and ducked his head sheepishly. "Well, maybe only a little." The three of them burst into laughter. When Peter walked in, Sirius was wiping tears of mirth from his eyes, Remus was still chuckling, and James was sitting on the floor, completely out of breath.

"Oh, um, James?" Peter squeaked, still awestruck by his friend. "You really should be finishing up getting ready. I mean, the ceremony's about to start…" he trailed off and bit his lip, clearly feeling that he had been left out of the loop. "I'll just go and save you two a seat," he said quietly to Remus and Sirius before he scuttled out the door.

"That was a good laugh, mate," Sirius smiled, apparently not having heard a word that Peter had just said. "Come on, Prongs, you ready?" James swallowed and closed his eyes, feeling more than a bit nauseous. He supposed he ought not to have eaten such a large breakfast but he had and there was nothing to be done about it lest he throw up.

"Oi, Padfoot, he's looking a bit green," Remus sounded alarmed and James felt himself forced into a comfortable chair. "Take a deep breath and you'll be fine." He nodded and then looked up at his friends.

"Come on, heave to. We better get you standing up at the altar," Sirius heaved James to his feet. "You're going to be just fine, mate." Together, the three of them walked out of the room and James took his place at the front of the cathedral, doing his best to smile when he really felt like throwing up. He was nervous as hell, not because of what he was doing but because he wanted it to be perfect. He supposed there was a greenish tinge to his face and his smile was plastered and he had half a mind to storm out of the church just to get a breath of damn air…

The doors opened just then and the guests all turned to look. First, the flower girls, who took too much time walking down the damn aisle, James thought to himself fiercely. The ring bearers were just the same. When the procession of bridesmaids and groomsmen began their timed steps, he bit back a groan. Finally, the aisle was clear of people. James' heart beat rapidly in his chest and he twisted his hands together. A comforting hand laid itself on his shoulder and he turned to glance at Sirius, who gave him a reassuring smile and wink. The strains of Lily's bridal march began and, there she was.

She looked so beautiful, so happy, so magnificent that James thought his chest would explode. His breath caught in his throat and his smile was no longer forced. He beamed at her, though she was not looking at him; her attention was on the guests smiling at her from both sides of the aisle. Her arm was held firmly by her father and she clutched tightly at his hand. She looked up and their eyes met and James was, once again, reminded of the reason why he loved her so very, very much. Her green eyes danced with joy and she laughed softly; he couldn't hear it over the clicking of cameras and excited murmuring, but he knew her well enough to know that she was laughing. Her pace quickened almost imperceptibly and soon, after too long a wait, she was at his side. Her father handed her to him and the two men smiled at each other; an unspoken agreement flashed between them. James nodded slightly and Ralph's smile widened as he relinquished his daughter; when he turned away, James heard a loud sniffle and the guests erupted in laughter. Then, her hand was in his and her arm was linked with his.

They looked each other in the eye and, in that moment, James swelled with such happiness that he would never be able to explain it; all the words in the English language were not enough to describe the rapture he felt, knowing that Lily was his, and would be his, for the rest of their lives. The ceremony passed by in a blur, at least until the vows were taking place.

"Do you, James Potter, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife, to have and to hold in sickness and in health, until death bid you part?"

"Until death bid us part, I swear I do," he replied, slipping a wedding ring onto Lily's slim finger.

"And do you, Lily Evans, take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, to have and to hold in sickness and in health, until death bid you part?"

"I do," Lily whispered tearfully, wiping her eyes with the corner of a handkerchief.

"Then, by the powers vested in me, I pronounce you both man and wife." A loud cheer echoed through the cathedral and, looking toward the sound, James saw the rest of the Marauders, standing and cheering with all of their might.

"Those two," Lily whispered, shaking her head, for Sirius and Remus were, indeed, the ones making the most noise while Peter, standing beside them, tried valiantly to make them sit down.

"You may kiss the bride." It was the announcement James had been waiting for. He swept Lily off her feet and their lips met in a searing kiss. Only dimly did he hear the loud roar that engulfed them; it was nothing compared to the din his heart, head, and soul were making. Every ounce of his being seemed to be leaping for joy and he was aware, almost painfully so, that tears of mirth were streaming down his face. Beside him, Lily squeezed his hand and, by unspoken agreement, the two began to make their way down the aisle toward the carriage which would carry them to another place, one with anti-Muggle security, for the wizarding celebrations to commence. Lily had warned her parents of the spells made to repel Muggles and had made the necessary precautions to allow them to enter.

At the reception, crowds of boisterous adults ate and drank to their hearts' content. Quite a few became drunk and soon, spells and charms and certain magical items were wreaking havoc on the place. On the whole, the scene was one of merry chaos and James thrived on it. Once in a while, he and Lily managed to sneak out of the large reception hall to have a few peaceful moments with each other, allowing the days' events to soak in and marvel at the beautiful scenery around them.

"Oi, mate," Sirius slurred, already half-drunk, "this is an excellent party." He slung an arm around James and beamed, barely able to keep his balance.

"Take it easy on the alcohol, Padfoot. Promise?" James asked seriously.

"Yeah, I promise. Hey Evans, have you had any of the wine?"

"It's not Evans anymore, Sirius," Lily laughed, smacking her friend on the arm, "I'm a Potter now."

"Smile, everyone!" The voice of their cameraman interrupted their lighthearted banter but they simply ignored him. The small man gave a sigh and took the picture anyway, forever capturing James Potter, Lily Evans, and Sirius Black as they laughed with each other.

The party eventually ended and the exhausted couple made their getaway to the beaches of southern France. Upon entering their quaint little cottage, hidden in a small forest, beside a large wizard community, Lily collapsed on the bed, sighing contentedly. James flopped down beside her and they stared at the ceiling for the briefest moment before his hand found a way to hers. When their fingers entwined, they turned their heads simultaneously and stared into each other's eyes for a brief, poignant moment.

Lily swallowed hard as James moved his body and dipped his head to kiss her lips. He kissed her for a long while and she kissed him back, drinking in his taste and his smell. Her arms wrapped around him and her fingers entangled themselves in his hair. Slowly, gently, he moved to rest his body on top of hers and broke the kiss, his forehead touching hers. She smiled at him and moved her hands from his hair to his side, then to his chest, exploring the different panes of his body. It was strange, how familiar he seemed to her, though the extent of their physical contact had never gone beyond the removal of clothes. She was hesitant and slightly afraid as she unbuttoned his shirt and peeled it away from his body, he raised his arms to allow the article to slip effortlessly to the ground beside the large bed. In the dim light, Lily studied him and admired him. His skin was smooth and tanned and his muscles rippled with his movements. His Quidditch training at Hogwarts had done much to keep him lean and lithe while his more recent battlefield training had given him the bulkier, stronger muscles in his arms, chest and abdomen.

Reverently, James slid off her and helped her to her feet, to allow him better access to the zippers, buttons, and hooks that kept her elaborate wedding dress in place. It slid to the floor once he had figured out all the different ways it had been held together and he lay it over the back of a chair, to save it from dirtying on the ground. She looked down, away from his eyes, irrationally afraid that she would find condemnation and disgust if she saw the emotions in them.

"Look at me, Lily," he said softly, lovingly, and his fingers lifted her chin. She didn't find what she feared she would and he kissed her, a fierce, hot, passionate kiss that spread fire from her head to the tips of her toes and ignited a tingling in her belly, a delicious torturous feeling. He lifted her into his arms and lay her on the bed, never once breaking the kiss as he slowly climbed on top of her. "I love you," he whispered for the countless time. She nodded her reply and then gasped against his mouth when his fingers slipped under her bra. Out of instinct, she almost pushed him away but it felt so good she was unwilling to do so. He unhooked it from the back—with ease, she noticed—and dropped it to the ground. His eyes studied her, as she had studied him, and there was appreciation in them. Just when she started to feel uncomfortable with his stare, he kissed her again and, teasingly, he ran his fingers across her breasts and along her sides, the panes of her flat stomach. It was as though he was trying to memorize her, the feel of her, and she trembled at his touch.

Before she knew it, he had taken off his trousers and her eyes widened at the sight of the rather sizable bulge in his boxers but she had hardly time to dwell on the idea when she felt his mouth on her neck, sucking and lapping at her pulse point. She moaned softly and tilted her head, giving him better access to her neck. He trailed kisses down her body and she shivered again, moaning slightly louder. Her hands gripped his strong arms and she arched against his body. When he reached her lower stomach, she tensed slightly but, with a few nips at choice places, she relaxed once again. He raised his head, then, and held her gaze as he slid off her knickers, as though silently asking for permission. She lay on the bed, watching his face as his eyes traveled up and down the length of her body.

"God, Lily," he whispered, his voice hoarse, "you are—so…" he swallowed hard and then captured her lips once again. "So beautiful," he breathed against her lips, "so perfect." He sat up and removed his drawers, positioning himself above her. He looked fearfully at her and she realized, in a sudden flash of insight, that he was as nervous as she was. She could have laughed aloud at the thought, if she hadn't been so anxious. He made a small noise of inquiry, and she bit her lip, closed her eyes, in a moment of hesitation, before she opened them again, nodding to him. He leaned over her and she could feel his muscles tense; he kissed her once more and then moved his body, sliding slowly inside of her.

She gasped against his mouth. A sudden flash of memories—"_You have denied me too long." Leering eyes, a vicious snarl, a sense of filth and helplessness as he took what was not his to take_—and she cried aloud, tears pooling in her eyes. James froze; his hands moved to her hair and his tongue lapped at the salty tears running down the sides of her face. She clung to him and when she opened her eyes, James was there, smiling at her, gently stroking her hair.

"I love you," he said, that beautiful voice trembling. "I love you so very, _very_ much." Lily smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck, nodding in a silent encouragement for him to keep going. He began to move, slowly, and her fears and inhibitions melted away as his gentle caresses and his loving smiled soothed her enough for her to feel everything. Soon, she began to find the pleasure amidst the pain and, soon, she was responding to his movements, arching against him to give him better access to her body. Eventually, he began to move faster and she realized that he was nearing his climax; she wrapped her legs around his waist, drawing him deeper inside of her, and moaned as he did. His hand moved across her body and found her secret place. She cried aloud when his thumb brushed against her, making slow insistent circles, driving her mad.

"James," she keened, gripping his shoulders so tightly that her fingers dug into his skin. She wanted to say something, wanted to express to him how very much she loved him but she found that she could no speak; he had reduced her into a bundle of quivering nerves and carnality and all she could do was open her mouth and moan as he showed her just how skilled he was. He captured her lips once more and she felt her muscles contract as he brought her to a breathtaking orgasm. She buried her face in his shoulder as he thrust into her once more before he came, crying out her name. Her breathing began to even out but she was still trembling from the full magnitude of what had just happened. He lay above her and she smiled lazily up at him, her fingers moving to the hair at the nape of his neck, wrapping them around her slender finger. He did not say anything to her and, she noticed suddenly, he was shaking far harder than she was. She opened her mouth to voice her concern when a teardrop landed on her cheek. Her eyes widened and she pushed his wild fringe of black hair out of his gorgeous hazel eyes and found that they were covered with a thin sheen of crystal tears.

"James?" she asked, using her thumbs to wipe away the tears that were now spilling from his eyes. "Are you okay? What's wrong?" He grinned reassuringly and allowed his body to rest on hers; his face went to the crook of her shoulder.

"Nothing, love," he rasped. She looked at him, and wiped away another tear.

"You're crying."

"I'm just happier than I have ever been in my life." He said, his voice muffled against her skin. She hugged him tightly to her and kissed his forehead.

"I am too," she agreed, "I am too." They lay together in contentment for awhile, listening to each other's breaths. Lily watched James from the corner of her eye, admiring the curve of his nose, the thin frame of his face, and the way his hair seemed to stick up everywhere.

"Off," she murmured after awhile, pushing at James' shoulder. He whined and snuggled deeper against her skin. She giggled and shrunk away from the gesture. "Come on, James, you're heavy."

"No," he whined, tightening his grip on her, "I'm comfortable."

"For heaven's sake, James, you're going to squash me." Lily laughed and pushed at his shoulder once more. He rolled off of her, grumbling to himself, but the twinkle in his eye made his half-hearted threats completely futile.

"Well, then, come here," he growled, pulling Lily closer to him, so that her back was flush against his chest. "I rather like this," he said, nibbling her shoulder, his hands splayed across her belly. She gripped his hands and then entwined their fingers together.

"Thank you," she said, overcome with feeling. "Thank you so…" her voice broke and she had to take a deep, steadying breath but James understood. She felt him smile against her skin.

"Beautiful," he murmured again. She leaned her head against his shoulder and fell asleep soon afterward, safe in the arms of her husband.

Long after she had fallen asleep, James lay awake, holding her to his body. He marveled at the beautiful creature in his arms. It still boggled his mind that such a lovely, perfect, wonderful person could possibly be his. He shifted his weight slightly and she moved, snuggling closer to him, sighing peacefully in her sleep. His lips curled into a soft grin and he buried his nose in her soft hair.

He loved her so much that it hurt him. It made him sick to think that someone would want to hurt her, to make her suffer and cry. With Lord Voldemort on the rise, he knew that Lily was in danger for the monster was known for his utter contempt of Muggle's lives. James' grip tightened instinctively around Lily's waist, as if Voldemort would sweep into the room and take her away from him at that moment. As happy as he was, as utterly content and in love as he was, James was forced to think about the possibility of something happening to either of them. He couldn't—no, he wouldn't—let Voldemort or any of his minions hurt Lily. He wanted a family with her, wanted to grow old and see their grandchildren grow up, not to mention spoil those kids sick but he knew that the likelihood of having a happy future like that was slim at the moment. If the rumors were true, Voldemort would be coming after the two of them any day now. He didn't know what the evil bastard wanted with the two of them, other than the fact that they had remained close to Dumbledore, who was, of course, Voldemort's only real rival. They would soon be inducted as Aurors and soon, their job would be to put their lives on the line to protect others from the evil that resided in the world. James' hands opened on Lily's stomach and he lightly rubbed her smooth skin.

_I swear, Lily Potter, that I will do whatever it takes to protect you, even if I have to sacrifice myself. I swear it._ He pressed a loving, reverent kiss to the nape of her neck and allowed himself to drift to sleep, determination and love mingling and coursing in his veins.

A/N: Mmmm, I hope that wasn't awkward… and I hope that it made sense that James would have a change in mood. It wasn't so much angst… just the normal anxiety one's bound to get with the evil, rampaging wizard out to take over the world. Review please. I do appreciate it. Thanks to everyone who has stayed with me and read my story through the long bouts of writers' block when I didn't have anything to write. I love you all! Stick with me just a little while longer. I promise I'm wrapping this up... it's all a matter of a few more chapters.


	24. Chapter twenty four

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling's lawyers called me the other night, asking me to tell everyone that the Harry Potter-verse that I want SO SO badly is NOT, in fact, mine but J.K. Rowling's. I would not have complied but…unfortunately, they threatened me and I'm too cowardly to go against the almighty beings of law. /shudder/

A/N: One month later…

"JAMES!" Lily screamed so loudly that she felt her vocal chords rip, "JAMES, GET OUT OF HERE! GO!" She struggled futilely in the arms of a vile-smelling man wearing a long black cloak and Death Eater mask. Her husband was backed into a wall, his wand pointed at the heart of one man, though three were attacking him. Quick as a flash, one of them shot the Cruciatus Curse at him before he had a chance to react and he crumpled to the floor, screaming in pain. "James!"

"You fool!" The Death Eater who was casting the spell kicked him in the ribs. "You thought you could defy the Dark Lord's will and live? He does not take kindly to those who spit his offers of power and glory back in his face."

"Leave him alone, you bastard! LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Lily fought tooth-and-nail against the man holding her but it was no use: he was too big and she was too small. Her wand lay ten feet away from her; there was no use in trying to reach for it. "Leave him alone, you dirty great bastard!" she shouted again, kicking at the man. He did not let go but she succeeded in diverting the men's attention from James. They turned to her and approached her, their eyes flashing underneath their masks. One of them slapped her harshly across the face but she didn't flinch. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw James getting weakly to his feet, still trembling violently from the after-effects of the Curse.

"You're a pretty, little thing, aren't you? Too bad you're a filthy little Mudblood," one of them hissed, his hand gripping her chin tightly, forcing her to look him in the eye.

"Let go of me," she snarled, turning her face from him. He grabbed her hair and yanked it, causing her head to jerk backward. She cried out in pain but the grip on her hair didn't loosen.

"I will have so much fun breaking your spirit, Mudblood," the man chuckled, signaling the Death Eater who held her with his hand. She was thrown against a wall and pinned by a hard body as hands gripped her breasts. Her eyes widened and she remembered that night with Zachariah—but she was no longer paralyzed with fear. Rather, she was filled with an all-consuming fury. How _dare_ this man touch what rightfully belonged to James, and James _only_! How _dare_ he! Her green eyes flashed and she stretched out her hand, uttering a silent spell and praying it would work. She had been exceptionally good at wandless spells but, given her distracted state, worrying about James and the four Death Eaters was sure to take a toll on her ability to perform the spells. To her great delight, her wand leapt into her hand and, before the others had a chance to react, she had shouted another spell, causing the Death Eater who was groping her to fly backward, stopping when he hit the wall.

"Lily!" James' hand touched her shoulder. She afforded him a glance, taking in the cut above his right eye and the pallid, ashen color of his face. He was panting, still fighting the muscle spasms that accompanied the Cruciatus Curse. "STUPEFY!" he roared, a jet of red light shooting from his wand and hitting one of the Death Eaters in the face. There was a sudden flurry of movement beside them and Lily had barely pointed her wand in the Death Eater's direction, the spell on the tip of her tongue, when she was hit with the full-force of a spell she did not know. Her mouth opened in a silent scream and she fell against the wall, unable to move and barely able to breathe.

"You'll pay for that!" James shouted, aiming his wand at the ceiling above the man, who was promptly buried under a pile of rubble as the roof caved in on him.

"James," she whispered, reaching out to him. He was still fighting valiantly against two Death Eaters and she cursed, knowing that she was incapable of helping him. Watching him fight so readily for her, the way his body always stood between her and the Death Eaters, Lily was overcome with a sense of determination that she would not be a burden to him. They were a team, _dammit_, and she would fight for him and with him, giving every ounce of her body and soul to protect him. She focused her energy on moving her arm, wincing as she did so. Pain shot from the appendage and coursed through her body but she would not give in to it. She gritted her teeth and raised it sluggishly, as though there was a heavy weight attached to it. Her wand was held limply in her small, pale hand and she watched, detached somehow, as it shook violently. "Reducto!" The spell shot past James and hit one of his enemies, a spurt of blood shooting from his chest. The Death Eater shouted, looking at the wound, and James took the opportunity to blast the man across the room, knocking him unconscious.

Their enemies had thinned and Lily began to feel as though they may get through the night alive when suddenly, the Death Eaters stopped fighting. Voldemort had appeared in the middle of the room, looking down at the couple with a sneer.

"Look at that, the Mudblood and her valiant knight, together until the end!" Voldemort mocked, his high, cold voice reverberating in the dungeon. Lily's blood ran cold and she struggled to her feet, her eyes wide with pain. She stood shakily and James drew close to her, looped an arm around her waist and held her close to him, his eyes still trained on the vicious wizard before them. "Isn't that sweet? So you want to die together, do you?" James' response was a low growl in his throat and a tightened grip on his wand. Her hand found his and they locked fingers; she clutched at him so tightly her knuckles turned white. "Well, I would be cruel to deny you your wish. I'll finish you in one swoop! _Avada Kedavra!_" Lily closed her eyes, unwilling to see the green light that had signaled death for so many. There was no time to think or feel anything other than a crushing sense of loss and sadness that she would never live to make a family with James, that their last moments would be filled with terror.

"Lily!" There was a great jumble of confusing noises—then silence.

"Dear Lord, can't you even let me see her?" _James?_

"What's going on? Where's my daughter? _Mum? Dad?_ Voices blended together in a great mess and Lily's eyes snapped open; she had every intention of telling off whoever was making so much damn noise while she was trying to sleep.

"Oh my God—Lil!" James' arms were around her neck and he was fervently kissing her neck; she could feel him shaking and her neck prickled when his warm tears dripped on her skin. "You're okay, you're okay. I was—oh God, I was so worried."

"Wha—James? What happened? I thought," her brow furrowed in confusion and she looked down at him before allowing her eyes to roam around the clean, dimly lit room. "This isn't heaven."

"St. Mungo's, Lil. We're in St. Mungo's." He kissed her cheek and beamed into her face, his grin so wide that his eyes were squints.

"How in the world—I thought—James, I thought we—," she couldn't bring herself to speak the word and he shook his head, holding her face in his hands. "Oh _James_, I thought we'd died."

"Now really! I can't have this! She is a patient, Mr. Potter, and may I remind you that you are a patient as well? You really mustn't be out of bed." A plump Healer with graying blond curls and a sweet, round face moaned disparagingly at him. "If you'll excuse me, I must do my job and you, sir, must go back to your room and get some rest."

"I'm her husband!" he protested, outraged. "I should be able to stay with her as long as I like."

"Mr. Potter, if you want to leave by the end of the week, you had better get back in your bed and rest like I told you or I won't release you. Now go!"

"Miserable old bat," James muttered, making a face at her.

"And you are such a gentleman yourself, James Potter. Now, please, get out of my sight or I shall have to resort to desperate measures."

"I'm going, I'm going." At the door, he paused and turned to look once more at Lily, "I'll be back, I promise. Love you, Lil," his lips curved into her favorite grin and without further ado, he strode proudly from the room and disappeared. Apparently satisfied, the Healer nodded and turned back to Lily, who had watched the entire exchange with an amused smile.

"That husband of yours," the older woman tutted, shaking her head.

"I quite agree, that husband of mine," Lily smiled giddily at the door.

"Both of you are extremely lucky to be alive, you realize that, don't you? The dangers of your job-,"

"I'm quite aware of the risks of my occupation, thank you," she interrupted, her tone frigid.

"Well, you're doing just fine so I suggest you get some rest. I'll be back later to check up on you so don't think about leaving that bed without my permission." Without another cluck of her tongue, the Healer bustled away, shaking her head. Lily sighed and relaxed against the pillows at her back, wondering if James would be coming to visit like he'd promised. Just as the thought had entered her head, there was a light tapping at her door and his beloved head popped into the room, his eyes cautious as he scanned for any signs of danger.

"Oh, come in, you," she giggled, waving him inside. He bounded into the room and carefully climbed into the bed with her, taking care not to jostle her much as he shifted her and slid under her so that she was wrapped in his arms. "James…"

"Shhh," he replied, kissing the top of her head. "Let's not dwell too much on what happened, okay?" Despite the light, cheerful note in his voice, she could tell that he was, in reality, struggling to keep despair from tinging his words. In fact, she could feel him trembling behind her and she twisted her body slightly to look into his face, which he had hidden behind his bangs.

"James, it's going to be okay. I'm going to be fine."

"I came so close to losing you, Lil," he whispered, and she was dismayed to see tears falling. "You were so still and I thought—I thought that he'd hit you with—with that curse and…"

"Now it's my turn to shush you," she admonished gently, placing her whole hand on his face. "He missed—or whatever that happened—and I'm still here. I'm not that easy to get rid of, you know."

"Cheeky," he replied, cracking a watery smile. He kissed her lips and she moaned, wishing they were at home, wishing that he could continue what his mouth and hands were doing but she knew that they would be caught if they did continue and, husband or not, he would be banned from seeing her for as long as it took for her to heal.

"James," she whispered against his lips, "James, we have to stop."

"Mmm, why?" he asked, tracing her jaw with feathery kisses that caused her to gasp and tilt her head back to allow him further access.

"Because—because—oohh," she moaned, her hands reaching up to grasp at his unruly black locks, "oh, James, stop!" He pulled away from her and his eyes were indignant.

"Damn the Healers," he murmured, in a husky voice, his hazel eyes glazed with lust. "Damn them. I think we deserve this."

"You'll be thrown out and then I won't get to see you. You _know_ that."

"Fine," he sighed, accepting defeat. "But damn the lot of you with your rules and your insistence upon _following_ them." He was joking, as he always did, and Lily sighed, turning back around and settling into his chest.

"Love you."

"I love you too. Forever and always." James replied. It was the last thing she heard before she fell asleep, smiling.

The next morning, when the Healer came by to give Lily a checkup, she found the happy couple chatting amiably with each other. They were smiling but the tone of their voices was urgent and she felt that she had just walked in on a private moment. Deciding that this held more importance than the checkup—from what she could see, her patient was doing quite well considering the circumstances—she closed the door softly and left. She would come back later and scold James for leaving his bed, yet again. She chuckled to herself, rolling her eyes.

"Young love."

Lily's eyes opened and she grinned, stretching her arms above her head. It had been two months since she and James had found a pleasant little home in Godric's Hollow, three since their second close escape from Lord Voldemort. James was awake already, which was a first occurrence in the short time they had been married. He smiled at her as he locked the clasp on his cloak and then crossed the room in several strides to kiss her on the forehead.

"Morning, love," he murmured against her skin. "Sorry I've got to be headed out so early, duty calls. And no, Lil, I can't tell you what it is." He shrugged apologetically before Disapparating.

Her good mood faded and she slumped back against the pillows; she was still not allowed to work as she was not yet fully healed. It was frustrating, knowing that she was stuck in bed, forced to do nothing while her husband risked his life. As the thought ran through her head, she bolted upright, hitting herself on the forehead. A simple question and she had forgotten to ask him and there was no way she'd be allowed to contact him. Just then, however, she remembered the mirror James and Sirius used to contact each other. They still had them, still used them regularly. She flung back the bedcovers and began rifling through the drawers by James' bed; with any luck, today would be the first day he left his own mirror at home. Given the apparent seriousness of his latest assignment, he was in such a hurry that it was a slight possibility. _Aha!_ She thought triumphantly, holding up the mirror. She spoke Sirius' name into it and soon, his worried features came into view.

"James?! Oh—wait, Lily? What are you doing on—?" his brow crinkled and Lily shook her head.

"That's no important. I was just wondering whether you'd seen James earlier this morning, when he stopped by the office? He left a little while ago and I forgot to ask if he'll be home tonight. Do _you_ know, Sirius? I thought you might, seeing as you're his best mate and all."

"Lily, I—I really don't know. We received word about Death Eater activities further up North. I think that's where James was headed. I don't—don't really know."

"Oh." She tried hard to hide her disappointment but knew that it hadn't worked by the expression that now crossed Sirius' face. "Right. Well, thanks."

"Lily? You needn't worry. James—James will be just fine. He can take care of himself."

"I know. I just don't like not knowing whether he's going to come home or not. Thanks anyway, Sirius. You'll stop by later?" It wasn't so much a question as it was a request. The handsome young man smiled and nodded.

"It would be my pleasure." Lily put the mirror down when it had once again become a simple mirror and then busied herself with cleaning the house, though her activities were half-hearted. She had never been one for cleaning but tidying the house was distracting her mind from nightmarish images of James' bloody body. It would not do to allow herself to think such things. The day passed slowly and Lily paced the house feverishly, waiting for the sound of Sirius' or, even better, James' arrival. Soon, her ears heard the faint 'pop!' of someone's Apparition and she opened the door.

"Good evening, mate," Sirius grinned as he stepped into the house. He dropped his cloak on a small desk by the door with the easy familiarity of someone who regularly visited the home.

"Evening, Sirius." Lily followed him into the kitchen, where he was rifling through the cupboards in search of something to drink. "Help yourself. What's mine is yours." Her voice contained a hint of sarcasm and he turned, baring his teeth at her in a wolfish smile.

"Of course, Lily dearest." Once settled with a glass of wine, Sirius allowed himself to flop on the largest armchair in the living room and Lily perched herself on the sofa. She grilled him about the goings-on at the Ministry, eager for information. As he told her with stories about the latest murders, kidnappings, and general destruction, she felt a pang of regret that she was not in the field, doing her best to rid the world of this evil. The night deepened and Lily fixed a meal for three, still hoping that James would appear at the front step, sheepish that he was late. But he didn't and soon, yawning, Sirius announced that he should get home. He had something to do the next morning and wanted to be rested; what it was, he would not tell her, only that it would require all his skills and attention. She waved him off and then shut the door, feeling distinctly ruffled that she was being kept out of the loop.

As there was really nothing for her to do, Lily decided to go to bed. It was better to sleep than to continue to pace the house, eaten up with boredom and frustration. However, she had no sooner fallen asleep when she was awakened by a quiet creak of the wooden floorboards.

"Who's there?" she demanded, snatching up her wand, alert in an instant. "Show yourself!" There was no reply and she was readying herself to begin throwing jinxes when a light flared up and she was staring into James' blood-spattered face. "James!" she flung herself at him, not caring that he was absolutely covered in all sorts of filth. He grinned in an alarmingly weak way and wrapped his arms tightly around her, burying his face in her neck as though he expected her to disappear. It took a few moments for her to realize that he was shaking and she leaned back from him, gently lifting his face up so that their eyes met.

"Lil…" he croaked.

"What happened?" her voice was at once gentle and sharp.

"Lil, Gideon a-and F-F-Fabian…" he trailed off again, his beautiful hazel eyes sorrowful. He did not need to continue, she already knew.

"We'd met up—we were teamed up—and—and I don't know how but we were separated. They ambushed us—the Death Eaters. I couldn't help, I was—was fighting somewhere else. They're d-dead, Lil. I saw Dolohov—you'll remember him, of course—right before he Disapparated. There were more, five or so I think but—I was too late! I couldn't stop them leaving!" He seemed furious with himself; his trembling had become worse. "They're dead, Lil, and I couldn't help them because I was too busy saving my own skin!"

"Oh James," Lily sighed, stroking his cheek, noting with alarm that the blood on his face was trickling from a nasty wound on his forehead. "Don't you dare do this. You did the best you could; no one can blame you. No one _would_ blame you." He started to speak again but she silenced him by placing a finger to his lips. Silently, she led him to the bathroom and sat him on the floor as she soaked a white cloth in water. There was no need for words; there was not a one in the English language that would possibly alleviate him of his guilt. She knew her husband, he would turn this hurt and use it to drive himself further, make it into a sort of furious determination to do as much as possible for the Order.

So she said nothing as she placed the washcloth on his cheeks, wiping away the grime. He grimaced but allowed her to proceed and she cleaned his face meticulously, leaving no trace of the battle, except for the wound, which she would need her wand to heal. Still silent, he stopped her ministrations and kissed the palms of her hands, inhaling deeply. He stood and kissed her on the lips; their eyes met and she could see a sort of desperation in his eyes to forget, to distract himself from the events of the past evening. As he carried her to the bed, she kissed his neck, thanking the heavens that he had survived, that he was with her. At the same time, though, her chest ached with guilt at her selfish feelings; two men, whom she had known and worked with, were dead and she was relieved that her husband had not shared their fate.

Their lovemaking that night was, at once, frenzied and desperate and tender and loving. And in the aftermath of their passion, when James lay beside her, he cried into her sweaty hair. She held him and murmured to him and the night passed, somber and grave.

"Damn," James cursed, narrowing his eyes in the vain hope that he might see through the mist. "Damn, where the hell did all this come from?" It was only a week after the deaths of Gideon and Fabien and the two of them had been sent on a mission to capture—kill, if need be—the Death Eaters who had taken two of the finest men either of them had met.

"It'll be a trap, be careful," Lily's voice warned, to his left. "_Lumos_. No, that didn't help. _Nox_." James waited; there was no way they would be able to see the enemy until they attacked, and he was going to be prepared.

"_Crucio_," a rough voice cried out and James ducked, pulling Lily down with him. He sent a Stunning Spell in the direction the curse had come from and was pleased to hear a thud. Out of the mist, though, emerged several black shapes, all wearing Death Eater masks and long black cloaks. Lily, never one to wait for someone to attack her, sent a variety of hexes and jinxes all around her and James followed suit. All they had to do was wait for reinforcements; Moony and Padfoot would be on their way and, if they were lucky, so would Mad-Eye and Emmeline Vance. Padfoot had promised he would round up as many Order members as possible. A Killing Curse was aimed at Lily, but she ducked just in time; it hit a Death Eater instead and he keeled over.

"_Impedimenta_!" James bellowed, knocking several men off their feet at once. "How dare you—_Stupefy_!" A flash of red light and another man fell over.

"_Reducto_!" Lily screamed, blasting a hole in the brick wall beside them. At once, she leaped through, James close on her heels. They pounded along the dark, quiet streets and, finally, broke through the thick fog. They were in a part of London that neither had been; the area was quite unfamiliar. As he caught his breath, he felt a slight annoyance at the fact that they were, once again, outnumbered and alone. He hated that Lily was with him, though they were so finely tuned with each other that they were able to work together perfectly, as if they could read each other's minds. But still, the worry—he couldn't bear to think what he would do if the same thing that happened to Gideon and Fabien Prewett happened to her.

"Are you alright?" he asked, slightly breathless. She glanced at him and shook back her long mane of hair.

"Quite," she replied, "and I'll thank you to stop worrying about me. I can take perfectly good care of myself." There was a spark in her eye and she glanced alertly, almost eagerly, around, her stance tense and expectant.

"Shit," he cursed as the sound of footsteps came from behind him. They whipped around and James was about to send a few Stunning Spells when they heard a familiar and very welcomed voice.

"What do you think you're doing, Potter?"

"Mad-Eye!"

"Rash, don't you think? Coming out here, by yourselves?" The famed Auror shook his head and eyed Lily with a curious look. "Shouldn't you still be in bed, Evans?"

"It's Potter now," she corrected him, a note of pride in her voice. "And there was no bloody way I was going to let him run off without some sort of help."

"Here they come." Sirius grinned as he spoke and his fingers tightened around his wand. The group, now comprised of about ten or fifteen, tensed as they waited for their enemy to approach.

"_Avada_—," but the man was cut off before he could complete the spell. The two groups sprang into action and, for several long minutes, there was nothing but the sound of shouted spells and the sickening thuds as bodies hit the ground. It seemed as though they would be alright; nobody seemed to have suffered any worse injury than a deep cut here or there. Lily had a black eye and her robes were ripped but she was as fierce as ever as she dueled with a Death Eater twice her size. He lunged at her after she managed to Disarm him but she kneed him in the groin and jinxed him as he rolled on the floor in pain.

"Hang on!" Mad-Eye shouted, when the group of Death Eaters had been reduced to a pile of unconscious black robes. "Don't let your guard down yet!"

"That would be wise, Alastor," came a silky-smooth voice that sent shivers down everyone's spine. Voldemort emerged from the gloom and surveyed them, a cold smile upon his face.

"Voldemort," James growled low in his throat. Lily glanced at him and straightened her back, holding her head high. Everyone else seemed to have been paralyzed with surprise and fear; he was not supposed to be in London that night. The Dark Lord locked eyes with her and sneered.

"Proud as always, Mudblood," he whispered, his eyes glowing a sinister red in the dim light. "You will not be so proud once I'm through with you—begging for your life, more like."

"You'll have me to answer to before that!" James said loudly, stepping in front of her.

"Ah yes, her faithful watchdog. Tell me, why a Pureblood such as yourself would bother to protect such a worthless creature."

"She's not worthless!"

"Be that as it may," Voldemort shrugged carelessly, "I am not here to argue with you." With that, he growled, "_Crucio_!" and James, who did not evade it quickly enough, found himself in the worst pain imaginable. He yelled as loudly as he could as red-hot knives pierced every inch of his body. Vaguely, he heard Lily scream and the curse was lifted. The aftereffects of the curse shook his body but he forced himself to his feet and raised his wand again.

He had no plan. All that was in his head was a loud whine of panic and all he could think of was that Lily could not die. She couldn't. So he straightened his back and glared, with all his might, at the wizard who threatened her life with such casualty. This time, this time at least, the two were not alone; James could feel their ranks swelling but Voldemort was not perturbed. Instead, he seemed amused that so many would show themselves at once. With a lazy flick of his wand, he had encased himself, Lily, and James in a dome of what appeared to be glass; in any case, their shouts and spells merely bounced off the barrier. He knew what Voldemort wanted to do, knew that the Dark Lord wanted to be left alone to deal with them but that he also wanted to show the world that defying him only led to death and who better to be that example than the only other couple to have ever fought him more than once and lived. James edged toward Lily and found her hand, she clutched at him so hard that he was sure his fingertips would turn blue. He glanced at her, saw only her curtain of red hair and the tip of her beautiful nose and he knew that, even if he did not survive tonight, he would make sure that she did. If he had to die protecting her then so be it, he was prepared to do so. It was with this thought, and this thought alone, that he shot a Stunning Spell as Voldemort watched.

"Go, Lily! Disapparate!" He ducked and pushed her aside so that the last Killing Curse Voldemort shot at them hit the barrier and disappeared, apparently absorbed. "Go! _Impedimenta_! You will not harm her, you foul—WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?!" He was listening hard and knew that she had not Disapparated but he could not spare her a glance. "LILY, GO!" In a split second, he felt her hand close around his wrist and then he was pulled into a crushing black darkness while the Dark Lord's scream of rage echoed in his ears…

"How dare you?!" Lily screamed when Godric's Hollow appeared around them. "How dare you ask me to leave you behind with that—that monster!" She was so angry with him, so furious that her face became demented and she flew at him, hitting his chest with as much force as she could muster in her exhausted, emotional state.

"Lil…" he said weakly, attempting to hold her still so that he could explain himself. "Listen to me."

"No! No, _you_ listen to _me_!" she prodded him with her finger and looked up at him, eyes blazing. "You are my _husband_ and I am your _wife_. I love you, you prat, and if you _ever_ ask me to leave you to your death again, I swear I'll curse you into oblivion myself."

"I…"

"I'm not through!" Her voice grew steadily higher, until she was practically shrieking. "We are a team, you and I, do you understand that? I am as good a witch as you are—perhaps not as skilled in some areas as you but you aren't as skilled in some as I am. We are a team. How many times do I have to say that to you? We are a _team_. Without you—without you…" her voice trailed off, suddenly soft, "without you, James…" and suddenly, she was crying weakly, tears making tracks through the dirt and blood on her face.

"Oh, love," he murmured and gathered her in his arms. "I'm sorry. I just—if you'd died in front of me, if he had hurt you in any way, I wouldn't forgive myself. Ever."

"And how do you think I feel?" she whispered. "How do you think I'd feel if I'd listened to you, leaving you behind to die?"

"I'm sorry."

"I know." In that moment, both of them knew that if they ever faced a danger together that was so great there was no hope of survival, they would die together.

A/N: Wow, it's been such a long time. I'm so very VERY sorry! Life just gets out of hand sometimes. You won't have to wait such a long time for the next chapter, I hope. Once again, I'm very sorry for the horrendously long wait. 


	25. Chapter twenty five

A/N: Three months later…

"Lily?" James called as he threw his cloak onto the back of a chair and kicked off his shoes. "Lil? Love?" There was no answer and he started to feel the familiar sense of foreboding. She had not gone to the office for the past week and for good reason; she had recently been hit with a strange illness that caused her to vomit whenever she was in close proximity to food. She was looking pale and there were circles under her eyes; it worried James and he tried, futilely, to convince her to visit St. Mungo's. That morning, she was looking better, well-rested, and his worries were alleviated.

Now, however, arriving to an empty (and dark) house where she should have been present was causing the hairs on the back of his neck to rise. It was suspicious and he wondered whether Death Eaters had come for a visit…and dragged Lily away to do God-knows-what to her. He banished the thought right away, knowing that Voldemort's followers would have left some sort of a message for him, taunting him. The Dark Mark would have been present as well, and he knew the eerie green glow of the Mark well enough to know that it was not anywhere near his home.

So why wasn't Lily answering his calls? Growing increasingly uneasy, he made his way through the house, turning on all the lights as he went. When he reached the bedroom, he heard a small sound. He frowned and pulled out his wand before cautiously opening the door, illuminating the area as he did so. Nobody was there but he heard the sound again and assumed, naturally, that it was coming from the bathroom, which was just as dark. Still holding his wand at his side and still ready to attack if necessary, he turned the doorknob and threw it open. There was a loud gasp and the sound of scrambling and his brow furrowed. At that moment, the lights came up and he saw, with a rush of relief, his wife huddled by the toilet, shaking.

"Lil!" he rushed forward to hug her but she cringed away from him. He froze immediately, hurt and renewed worry flashing across his face. "What happened, love?" Taking care to make slow movements, he crouched in front of her. She would not meet his eyes but he saw a tear drip from the end of her nose and heard her not-so-discreet sniffle.

"James," she whispered. He took up her hands in his, frowning deeply when he felt her shaking.

"What's wrong?" His tone was gentle but his blood was coursing through his veins, hot with anger. If someone had hurt her…

"James—we—I-I-I'm g-going to ha-ave a-a b-b-b-baby!" she wailed, suddenly flinging herself into his arms and burying her face in his chest.

"What?" Of all the possible scenarios that had run through his mind, he had expected this least of all.

"A b-baby! You kn-know, a t-tiny little h-human b-b-being!" Her sobs grew more hysterical and he stared down at the top of her head, utterly flummoxed. He generally thought that pregnancy was accepted with joyful tears—not this.

"Lily?" He gently detached himself from her and lifted her chin so he could see her face. "What the hell is going on?"

"I'm—I'm _pregnant_, James! _Pregnant!_" Her pretty mouth turned down at the sides, in a horrified expression, and her green eyes swam with tears.

"But—but I thought—I thought that—isn't that a _good_ thing?"

"_No!_" she screeched, pushing him away. "It's _not_ a good thing! This—this is _terrible_!"

"Why?" he asked, not understanding at all.

"B-because," she gestured wildly, as if searching for words, "because we're in the middle of a _war_! H-how can we bring a new person into life in the middle of this godforsaken _war_?! H-he'll be born into a world filled with evil and—oh _how_ could I let this happen?!"

"Now you listen to me, Lil, and you listen well," James said fiercely, holding her face in his hands. "Just because we're in the middle of a war doesn't mean we can't be happy. I'm happy every single damn day because you're with me. Why, _why_ can't this be a good thing?" She didn't answer him but her eyes widened and she hiccupped from the violence of her sobs. "Lil, I'm going to be a daddy." He smiled broadly, unable to convey to her the swelling in his chest that threatened to burst his heart. He gathered her in his arms and kissed the top of her head. "We're going to have a baby."

"Oh, damn," she whispered again, "you're right."

"Well, it's been known to happen," he chuckled. She smiled weakly at him and he stood, carrying her in his arms. "You're going to be a wonderful mother. And I'm going to do the best that I can to make sure that both of you are safe."

"Well? What's going on?" Sirius asked, throwing himself into one of the wooden chairs around the large table heavily laden with food. He grinned and reached out to swipe at the frosting on a particularly delicious-looking cake but Lily whacked the back of his hand with her wand. "Ow, damn you, Lily!"

"I love you too, Sirius," she replied, giving him a sweet smile. He responded with an undignified pout and crossed his arms. There was a small commotion at the door and James entered the room with Remus and Peter following close behind.

"Everyone here?" Sirius asked, jumping to his feet. "Yes? Yes! Good, let's get a move on!" He picked up a plate and held it over his head, as he practically salivated over the food, which was sending enticing smells into the air.

"Not yet, you prat," James laughed, clapping the man on his back. "Lily and I have something to tell you first."

"Oh yeah? Could you hurry it up? I haven't eaten all day!" he whined and slumped back into his chair. Peter took a seat at the farthest corner of the table, nearest the door, and nervously drummed his fingers on the table as his eyes darted around the room. Remus sat beside Sirius and leaned back, resting one elbow on the back of the seat and the other on the table.

"We haven't told anybody yet so keep your mouths shut," James warned as he hurried to Lily's side, "or I'll make you regret it." Both Sirius and Remus laughed, not taking him seriously, but Peter squeaked and nodded his head fervently in what was an obvious promise of reticence.

"Ready?" Lily asked, a smile growing on her face. James looked down at her and nodded and the couple turned to face their friends who were watching them with looks of mingled curiosity and confusion. A light of understanding grew in Sirius' eyes soon enough and his face lit up.

"Congratulations, mate. What did I tell you?" he said quietly, joy ringing through his voice.

"What?" Peter asked, his brow furrowed. Remus was smiling now and he shook his head, chuckling quietly.

"We're going to have a baby," James announced, his voice growing louder and stronger. "Lily's pregnant." There was a moment of silence before Remus and Sirius burst into jubilant shouts, jumping to their feet and knocking over the chairs. Even Peter joined in the ruckus and for several minutes afterward everybody was speaking all at once and nobody understood anything. When everyone had calmed down and both James and Lily were a bit worse for the wear after the back patting and handshakes they'd received, the small party sat at the table; James and Sirius fell upon the food with a ferocity that made Lily cringe.

"It'll be okay, Lily," Remus whispered conspiratorially across the table, "Just make sure that you teach that little one of yours to have better table manners than his daddy."

"Hey, heard that!" James said with indignation after he swallowed his mouthful of food. "I have perfectly fine table manners." Remus made a near-silent noise of disbelief in his throat and raised his eyebrows, clearly indicating that he disagreed. James retaliated with a jibe about Remus' "furry little problem," at which point in time Sirius decided that he would join in the conversation. Eventually, the three friends descended into a round of raucous laughter and insult-hurling while Lily pretended to be disapproving and Peter giggled nervously, occasionally flinching when a flying fist came too close for comfort.

"Lily, James," the small, mousy man said eventually, as he pushed back his chair, "I really must be going. Thank you for the lovely dinner and congratulations again!" He shook both their hands in earnest and disappeared out the door. After dessert, the group stumbled into the sitting room and the conversation took a more serious note as they discussed the latest deaths of members of the Order. Sirius slammed a fist into the plushy arm of the chair in which he was sitting and cursed colorfully when he heard that there had been yet another round of Muggle killings somewhere south of London.

"And, well," Remus' voice dropped and he shot a glance at the angry man, "there are rumors that—that your brother was killed too."

"Oh really?" Sirius asked indifferently, though his expression became even more murderously angry and his whole body became rigid. "How?"

"Apparently, he was personally killed by Voldemort himself."

"Stupid git!" Sirius spat, slamming his fist yet again into the abused chair. "Probably got scared and ran away, didn't he? But he was always the hero, wasn't he? Always the proper one." There was a bitter edge to his voice and Lily put her hand on his arm in a placating gesture.

"You don't know what happened. Maybe he did something else to gain Voldemort's displeasure. Something that would help our side," Remus argued half-heartedly.

"There you go again, believing the best of people." Sirius smiled bitterly. "Believe me, the best that can be said about my dear old brother is that he was probably too much of a pansy to actually kill anybody."

"Padfoot…"

"And he's not my brother, Remus, so I'll thank you never to mention him in my presence again." Sirius looked away, his entire body rigid.

James and Lily looked at each other and James sighed, shaking his head. It was useless to argue; his best mate's relations with his family were less than desirable. A moment of tense silence descended upon the group until Remus cleared his throat and asked a question with false brightness,

"Who likes puppies?" (1)

"A toast, to my beautiful wife!" James declared proudly, holding up his wine glass. The room erupted into roars of agreement and Lily ducked her head, blushing. Really, James had had quite a lot to drink already and he was becoming louder as the evening progressed. The crowd in the room raised their glasses and, as one, said in a great rumbling voice, "To Lily." Simultaneously, they proceeded to empty their cups.

Lily had insisted she didn't want a big party. She had said it wasn't practical, it wasn't feasible, it was downright dangerous to have a large group of their closest friends and colleagues in one place at one time while Voldemort was still doing his best to murder everyone who dared to stand in his path to power. Unfortunately, James seemed to have tuned out her reasonable and carefully executed arguments and had gone ahead with the celebration. She ought to have been furious with him, when he dragged her into the building, insisting it was for a quiet dinner—just the two of them, he'd promised—though she'd been greeted with a chorus of cheers and catcalls the minute the door had opened. She _ought_ to have been furious with him for ignoring her wishes—but she really couldn't bring herself to be anything but fondly exasperated with him. He was so damn _happy_ about being a father that she couldn't help but love him even more because of it. After all, it wasn't like he could help that he was bursting with so much pride he had to tell the whole damn world that he was going to be a father.

Absentmindedly, she rubbed her belly, which was very large by now. There were only two more months before the baby was born and the two of them were _still_ undecided about the name. Lily wanted to pick both boy _and_ girl names since they had chosen not to find out the sex of their baby until the actual birth but James was stubbornly convinced their child was going to be a boy and refused to even consider the lovely girl names she brought to his attention.

The party continued until the wee hours of the night and, though Lily was exhausted by the time it ended, she was pleasantly surprised that she had had a lot of fun. It _was_ rather nice to see the friends she'd been forced to stop contacting because it was too dangerous to talk; one must always remain focused and friendly conversations were distracting.

"It's time to get you to bed," James chuckled as he supported her with one arm around her waist. "You're so tired you can barely stand."

"And whose fault is that?" she demanded, poking him in the side. "Whose fault is it that I was kept, against my will, at a party that I didn't ask for in the first place?" She couldn't help but smile as she said it. Once she had readied herself for bed and was settled under the covers, she turned so that she faced James, who was lying on his back.

"Can we talk about it now?"

"Talk about what?" he replied, sounding faraway, as if he was in a distant world. She reached out and placed a hand on his arm, which caused him to look at her.

"You know what I want to talk about."

"Well, alright but let's not fight, okay?"

"I wouldn't argue if you weren't so damn stubborn."

"Yeah? Well…" he stopped himself and shook his head, smiling. "You're doing it again," he informed her as he shifted so that he was lying on his side, facing her. She stuck her tongue out at him, determined as she was to make him see her side.

"I just think it would be nice to have a backup, just in case," she insisted. "Is it so inconceivable an idea that we're going to have a baby girl?"

"No, I just—have feeling it's going to be a boy."

"In any case, we still haven't agreed upon a suitable name for him," Lily said, knowing it would be easier just to continue with the subject of names. "Any new ideas?"

"Michael?"

"No. How about Matthew?" James' face was enough to tell her that he didn't agree. "Umm, Neville?" She threw out the name in a teasing fashion, not really serious. James laughed and raised his eyebrows.

"Seriously?" he asked in a tone that suggested he sincerely hoped she wasn't. She shook her head and he rolled his eyes. "Hm, how about…Harold?"

"Harold?" She pulled a face. "The poor kid."

"How about Harry, then?"

"Doesn't it mean 'ruler' or something like that?"

"Well, all the better then," he smirked, "He'll be a ruler from the start." Lily giggled and smacked him lightly on the arm.

"Harry Potter." She tested the name on her tongue and found it to her liking.

"It sounds perfect."

"I think so too. And we're both agreed that his middle name should be James." He beamed in pride at her pronouncement and nodded.

"Well, since that's settled…" James scooted down so that his face was level with her stomach and placed his hand on it, his face so close that his lips brushed against the thin fabric of her nightdress. "Harry James Potter, this is your daddy. It is a pleasure to meet you." And he launched into a full-blown one-sided conversation that was about nothing and everything at the same time. Lily's eyes began to droop but she fought to listen to what her husband was telling her yet-unborn child; he was sure to say something mischievous and she wanted to be awake to smack him if he did.

She was too tired, though, and the last thing she heard before she dropped off to sleep was James' whisper, full of pride and love, "and your mummy is the most beautiful, most loving person in the whole world. You're going to love her. I know I do."

"I am going to _kill_ you, James Potter!" Lily's tirade turned into a loud cry of pain and her hand tightened around her husband's. He grimaced, at her threat and at the death grip she had on his hand. "This. Is. All. Your. _Fault_." She panted and threw back head, tears running down her face as she struggled.

"It's okay," he soothed, wiping her face. She shot him a glare that promised him sweet death if he said that again and he offered her an apologetic smile. Her glare turned into an expression of determination and she clenched her teeth, groaning loudly as she pushed. She had been in labor for twelve hours—close to thirteen—and it was nearing midnight. James bit his lip and squeezed her hand, feeling guilty that she was in so much pain while he was helpless to do anything about it. Finally, _finally_, as the clock chimed midnight, there was a loud, thin cry from the small baby that a smiling Healer wrapped in warm, soft cloth. There was a lump in James' throat when the woman handed the baby to him. He was so warm and soft and, though he had been wailing insistently from the moment he left his mother's womb, he stopped crying the moment he was in his daddy's arms. Not trusting his voice at the moment, so overcome with emotion, James silently handed him to Lily, whose flushed and sweaty face was more beautiful than anything he had ever seen, framed by her curly red hair.

Her eyebrows contracted and she bit her lip as she looked down at him. Slowly, she traced his face with her fingers, touching his tiny lips, his miniscule nose, allowing his hand to wrap around her index finger. A sob left her throat and she looked up at her husband with a smile that was so wide, it would have hurt if she weren't so overcome with joy.

"Happy Birthday, Harry James Potter," she whispered to the baby. Her baby. Her beautiful, perfect baby. There were no words to describe it, the feeling that threatened to burst her heart. So she stopped trying to find the words and settled for pressing her lips against Harry's beautiful, perfect forehead and whisper a few simple words to him, words she meant with every fiber of her being. "I love you, little one."

The next morning found Sirius, bursting into Lily's room where she and James awaited him. His eyes skipped questioningly from her face to James' face and then, to the small one nestled in the crook of her elbow.

"He's here," he breathed and leaned weakly against the doorframe. "Wow, mates, congratulations."

"Thank you." James stood and approached him and they embraced like brothers before he turned to Lily and kissed her on the cheek. He leaned over and stared at little Harry, so closely they were almost nose-to-nose.

"Welcome to the world, Harry."

"Er, Sirius, mate, we—me and Lily—have something we'd like to ask you." Sirius straightened, stepped aside so that James could take his previous spot beside Lily. He looked a bit nervous for some reason but Lily grasped his hand and nodded, obviously encouraging him.

"What?" he asked, almost suspiciously, wondering if they were already going to be asking him to baby-sit and all that.

"Would you be Harry's godfather?"

"His—what?"

"Godfather," Lily replied. "Just in case anything happens to James and I. We want to be sure that he'll have someone to look after him."

"And you want _me_ to do the job?" Sirius was incredulous, not that Lily or James could blame him. He didn't necessarily have the reputation of being the most responsible person in the world but he was sincere and learned quickly.

"Yes, mate. We trust you." James caught his eye and something flowed between the two best friends, something Lily didn't quite understand. Sirius nodded, however, a smile lifting up the corners of his lips.

"I would be honored to." He sat gingerly on the edge of the bed as he took the delicate bundle from Lily. His expression was one of awe as he stared down at the baby for a few moments before James cleared his throat in a formal sort of way.

"Harry, I'd like you to meet your godfather, Sirius Black."

"He's a bit of a scoundrel, so don't you be taking _all_ of his advice," Lily quipped fondly. Sirius' face closed up in an odd way and he made a strange noise in the back of his throat. James opened his mouth to ask if anything was wrong but Sirius shook his head, he seemed to be fighting for words, or for control of his emotions. There was a momentary pause, then, quite suddenly, Sirius leaned down and kissed Harry on the forehead. Then he gave his best mates a slightly watery smile and a chuckle.

"Look at me, will you?" he murmured, half to the sleeping baby and half to his friends, "I'm becoming as emotional as you lot. And you aren't even my kid."

"Well, I expect you to fulfill your godfatherly duty to him," James spoke up, sternly, "and go get him a present." Lily swatted at his arm, laughing. Sirius stood and replaced Harry in her arms.

"I'll be right back," he said and he disappeared out the door, apparently thinking hard about what he was going to buy for a baby.

"Do you know, I reckon he's going to be just as protective of Harry than you are," Lily remarked quietly. "The poor kid's not going to be able to have any fun." James spluttered indignantly.

"Excuse me? No child of mine is going to be so protected he'll grow up not making any sort of mischief!" At that moment, Sirius popped back into the room, carrying an enormous stuffed bear and looking sheepish as he explained this was the best he could do. He placed the bear at the bedside and little Harry awoke with a soft sigh of contentment. As soon as his green eyes alighted on the stuffed animal, however, he opened his mouth into a loud wail, causing Sirius to hastily take the bear away as he offered a stream of apologies. James cuffed him over the head and the two men began wrestling with each other as Lily rocked Harry back to sleep. They stopped only when somebody poked their head in to the room to tell them off for making so much noise, which amused Lily to no end. She shook her head at them and then shooed them both from the room; she was tired and, if they stayed any longer, they would wake Harry again. Settling down in the bed, Harry safely in her arms, she closed her eyes and went to sleep, a smile on her lips.

(1): One of my friends asks this question to cover up awkward moments. I liked the idea of Remus using such a ridiculous ploy to change the subject.


	26. Chapter twenty six

A/N: Oh dear, it's been quite a while since I last updated, hasn't it? So sorry! Things became pretty hectic this past year but I promise we're almost done.

Disclaimer: As always, the world of Harry Potter belongs to the one and only JK Rowling.

"Here we are," James sang as he opened the door and held it so Lily could pass through the threshold. "Here we are!" He took the baby from her arms, so ecstatic he was practically dancing on the spot. "Welcome home, Harry!" He turned to look at her, his hazel eyes twinkling. She smiled softly at him and he laughed for no reason other than he was so happy he couldn't hold it inside of him. Harry, for his part, watched his father with politely curious eyes but he was tired and his eyelids began to droop. He yawned and, seeing this, Lily hurriedly scooped him into her arms and brought him, much to James' dismay, into the room she and James had decorated for their beautiful baby boy.

"But, Lil!" James protested, hot on her heels. "He has to see his new home."

"He'll have plenty of time to do that. For now, he has to sleep." She laid the baby in his crib and placed a blanket over him.

"Hmph," James pouted, "all he does is eat, sleep, and poop. And you pay more attention to him."

"Why, James, are you—dare I say it—jealous?" Lily shook her head and fondly ruffled the thatch of messy black hair on top of her baby's head. "I don't see why you should be." She pressed her lips to his and his arms wound around her shoulders, held her tightly to his body as he was suddenly overcome with emotion.

"I love you, Lily Potter," he hissed with a fierce intensity that caused her beautiful green eyes to widen. "I. Love. You." He punctuated each word with a kiss, savoring the feel of her ivory skin. He hadn't thought he could love her more. He had thought that his entire heart was already full to bursting with love for the woman who was his wife.

James Potter wasn't often wrong but he had been wrong, he realized. His heart had grown to welcome a baby into their lives, a son. His son. And he was surprised that the presence of another person whom he could love so unrestrainedly did nothing to diminish his adoration, his all-encompassing love for Lily. Rather, his feelings for her seemed to have risen to an entirely new level, someplace that was beyond words. Because, not only was she his wife, not only was she his best friend, his lover, his confidante, not only was Lily the only woman he could ever love, she was also the mother of his child. And, as such, he was never going to let anyone hurt her, hurt Harry. He would die before that happened.

"James!" The man in question turned on the spot, surprised to see Dumbledore striding hurriedly toward him through the throng of people in the long corridor that led to the Ministry of Magic. "James, Lily, I need to speak with both of you."

"Can it wait, Professor?" James asked. "We've got a meeting in five minutes."

"No, it cannot. It's a matter that concerns your child and your safety. Please." There was no need for Dumbledore to repeat himself; once the two of them heard that it concerned their child, they were already following their former Headmaster to a quiet room. Dumbledore murmured a spell and turned to them when he was satisfied that nobody would be able to listen to their conversation.

"What's going on, Professor?" Lily asked, fear growing on her face.

"A prophecy's been made."

"About our child? Is he in danger?" James asked, alarmed, and he wrapped a comforting arm around his wife.

"Not quite," Dumbledore replied as he held out a small pewter bowl and extracted what looked like a silver thread from his forehead, placing it into the bowl. At once, a figure rose from it and began to speak in harsh tones, her eyes oddly blank.

The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord approaches…Born to those who have thrice defied him, born as the seventh month dies…And the Dark Lord will Mark him as his equal, but he will have power the Dark Lord knows not…And either must die at the hand of the other for neither can live while the other survives…The one with the power to vanquish the Dark Lord will be born as the seventh month dies…

"And this—this pertains to us?" It was an obvious question, one to which James already knew the answer. "Our child is the one who will defeat Voldemort?"

"Not exactly. It seems that there is another couple that matches the description of this prophecy. It is quite possible that it is their child who will defeat him."

"Who?"

"Frank and Alice Longbottom. I have warned them already and they are taking the necessary precautions. As you should do straight away."

"Necessary—precautions?"

"Yes. Voldemort knows. He doesn't know the whole prophecy, simply that there is a little baby who will grow up to be a threat to his reign of power. He is doing his best to locate—and kill—that child."

"So—what do you suggest we do?" James demanded, faintly.

"The Fidelius Charm. Choose a Secret Keeper and perform the charm immediately."

"Sirius." James spoke at once, without hesitation. "Sirius will be our Secret Keeper." Beside him, Lily nodded fervently. Dumbledore surveyed them, a serious expression in his light blue eyes.

"You—you do realize that there is a spy. I would rather…"

"No. Sirius isn't the spy and he will be our Secret Keeper."

"James, I would rather be your Secret Keeper. Not knowing who the spy is…"

"With all due respect, Professor," James interrupted as politely as he could, "I trust him with my life and I know that he would rather die than betray me or Lily. Or our child." Dumbledore nodded his head, seeing there was no way to sway James' mind once it was made, and smiled sadly at the two of them.

"Well, I'll leave you to it, then. Good day." His expression was composed but both had caught a glimpse of worry, anxiety, and fear in his eyes as he turned away.

There was stunned silence after his departure as the couple stood, watching him leave. Lily began to tremble and James looked down at her quickly; her head was bowed and her glorious red hair was hiding her face from his gaze. He swallowed the lump in his throat and found her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. He brought it to his lips and kissed it softly as he spoke her name.

"Lily?" She didn't answer him but her shoulders began to shake more violently and he distinctly heard a loud sniff. "Talk to me, love."

"I—I don't understand," she gasped, sobbing openly now. "I don't understand. Why is this happening?" His heart ached because he had no answer to give her—he was just as lost and confused. And angry.

"I don't know, Lil," he said fiercely and the tone of his voice caused her to look at him. "I don't know but I swear to you, I _swear_ that I will _never_ let him hurt you. Not you. Not Harry." She hiccupped and gazed at him, her mouth set as though she was still trying hard not to cry. He bent down and kissed her on the forehead and brushed away her tears with the pad of his thumb.

"We're going to have to talk with Remus, Sirius, and Peter about this. Explain why they can't come over any longer."

"Mm," he murmured and hugged her tightly. She melted into his embrace and they stayed that way for awhile, both forgetting about the meeting completely.

The next night, the Marauders met again but with much difficulty; both Remus and Sirius had been given duties to perform which they were loath to neglect but both managed, at the last minute, to ask other members of the Order to fill their spaces. It was difficult to contact Peter as nobody seemed to know of his whereabouts; James had been about to give up and accept that this very important and very secret meeting would have to happen without him when Peter had showed up outside his office. It was almost suspicious but James shrugged off his worries and Peter was informed.

This meeting would not be like their announcement months earlier. Sirius was the first to arrive, as always, but he detected the mood of his friends and made no jokes, no attempts to steal tastes of the sumptuous food Lily had prepared. She didn't smile as she cooked and, though he didn't know what was happening, Sirius understood that this was a matter of grave importance. Remus arrived only a few minutes after Sirius and he too understood that something grim was occurring, or going to occur in the near future. He clapped James on the back and touched Lily's shoulder in a reassuring way as he greeted them, offering to help with the meal preparation. She declined and gestured that he take a seat at the small table. Peter was late and they all wondered whether he had forgotten when they heard his clumsy footsteps at the door. He arrived in the room, breathless and in seemingly high spirits.

"Good evening!" he gasped jovially, beaming at the lot of them. Sirius threw him a disgusted look and Remus coughed lightly, raising his eyebrows and shaking his head almost imperceptibly. "Is—is something the matter?" Peter faltered, finally grasping the mood of the room.

"You're late," James scolded good-naturedly when nobody else offered an answer. "Have a seat. Sit. The food's getting cold." Peter obeyed and perched gingerly on the chair, looking quite ill at ease. They were silent as they ate, only speaking to ask the others to pass the salt or pepper; James and Lily were both tense and neither ate very much. The quiet was only disturbed once by the piercing cries of the baby in the next room. Lily excused herself each time to comfort her child and coax him back to a sleep that would hopefully last until the end of the evening. All in all, it wasn't a very pleasant gathering and the tension only grew as time passed. Finally, the couple beckoned their guests into their living room and cast spells all around, with the effect that the six of them were contained in an impenetrable bubble.

"What's going on, Padfoot?" Sirius asked, arching an eyebrow at his best mate. "You said it was urgent so—er—get on with it." James took a deep breath, steeling himself for what he was about to tell his friends.

"You lot can't come round here anymore."

"WHAT?!" Sirius roared as he jumped to his feet with such fury that he knocked his chair halfway across the room. "What the hell d'you mean we can't come round anymore?"

"It's for your own good. For your safety," James said in anguish.

"What James means to say," Lily spoke up, throwing her husband a reproachful look, "is that we've been informed of a—a threat, if you will, on our child and we've got to take every precaution to make sure he—or she—doesn't come to any harm. We don't want to shut you out but the both of us feel that if you come round a lot, you'll be," she gulped, "used to get in here."

"Who's behind this?" Sirius hissed, his eyes narrowing.

"V-Voldemort," she answered, her voice shaking just slightly. "It seems—that there's been," she gasped and tears filled her eyes. She brought a hand to her mouth but a sob escaped and Sirius reached toward her and grasped her hand, the anger replaced with reassurance.

"A prophecy," James completed her sentence. "There's been a prophecy."

"About Harry?" Remus asked, concern etching worry lines into his forehead.

"Not—not exactly," James shrugged, rubbing the back of his head so that his hair was even messier than before. "According to Dumbledore, this prophecy applies to two babies: Harry and—and Neville Longbottom."

"Longbottom?" Sirius tilted his head in confusion. "So—what? Is Voldemort going to attack both?"

"We—we don't exactly know."

"And how are you planning to hide from Voldemort?" Sirius demanded faintly.

"Dumbledore had a few suggestions," Lily whispered. "We just wanted to let you lot know so that you don't think we're trying to get rid of you."

"Well, mate, we understand," Remus sighed grimly, "You've got to protect that little one with everything you've got. All of us—me, Peter, and," he hesitated for a split second, "and Sirius—will do everything in our power to help you. If that means staying away, then so be it."

"Hear, hear!" Peter squeaked, breaking the silence he'd held since James' announcement.

"Yeah," Sirius agreed, shooting a quick glance at Remus, who swiftly avoided his gaze. "Yeah, mate. Whatever it takes." There was a tense quiet and then everyone began speaking at once, telling each other that everything would be okay and taking their leave. Remus and James exchanged a quick embrace before he left. Sirius, clapping James on the back, whispered that he needed to have a private word with him. Peter wrung James' hand and followed Remus out the door.

"Alright, you two, don't stay up too late," Lily admonished as she yawned heavily. "I'm going to bed."

"Good night, love."

"Good night." Once she was gone, James turned to his best friend with a quizzical look.

"What's going on, mate?"

"I think I have a good idea how Dumbledore intends to keep you safe from Voldemort," Sirius began, a grim expression tightening his mouth and making him seem a lot older than he really was.

"The Fidelius Charm," James confirmed, pinching the bridge of his nose between his fingers. "I was going to ask you to be Secret Keeper…"

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about." The tone in his voice caused James to look at him. "Look, it'll be the first thing Voldemort suspects. He knows I'm your best mate, he knows that we'd die for each other. Hell, he probably knows how many detentions we got in our years at Hogwarts. I—I would be honored to be your Secret Keeper and you know how seriously I would take that but—but I honestly think that you'd be better off choosing a Secret Keeper that Voldemort least suspects."

"Why?"

"Think about it. Voldemort understands power so he's obviously going to think you'll choose the most powerful of your friends to be Secret Keeper—like myself, Remus, or Dumbledore. But what if you chose somebody who _isn't_ powerful? Like Wormtail. If Voldemort doesn't suspect him, it'll be all that much easier to hide him _and_ Voldemort won't go after him."

"I—I don't know, mate," James frowned, shaking his head. "I'd feel a lot more comfortable if _you_ were my Secret Keeper. But," he added before his friend could argue with him, "I see where you're getting." He sighed. "You really think Wormtail will be up for it?"

"Yes. Besides, with me and Moony protecting him, Voldemort's not getting anywhere _near_ him." Sirius smirked confidently and James allowed the corners of his lips to lift in a smile.

"Well, I'll have to talk with Lily about this but if she agrees, we'll go with Wormtail. If not then it's you, mate. Agreed?"

"Agreed."

"What?!" Lily gasped. "_Absolutely not!_" She was furious—no, livid—at the request her husband had just made.

"Lil, listen to me," James pleaded, looking entirely woebegone.

"_Sirius_ will be our Secret Keeper," she hissed, eyes flashing with the same temper she'd shown him in their school days. How could he ask her if she was willing to bind her secret into the soul of a man she trusted least of James' best friends. It wasn't as though the man had ever done anything to her to make her distrust him but he was so _weak_. There was no bloody way she was going to trust the lives of her husband and her son to a man who looked as though he was once scared of his own shadow.

But she knew, in the end, that she would trust James because he had such _faith_ in his friends that she couldn't help but have faith in them as well. If he believed Peter could protect their secret, that Sirius and Remus could keep him from the clutches of Voldemort, she would believe it too. She would believe it with her whole heart because that was the only thing you could do in a war that turned friend against friend. It was the only thing to do.

So it was with a heavy heart that she and James performed the ritual that bound their whereabouts into Peter's own soul. She smiled, thanked him for the great personal risk he was taking on their behalf. He nodded and left, left with Sirius and Remus to the safehouse where he was to stay. Lily watched the three friends leave under the cover of dark and she heaved a great sigh, suddenly terribly cold. Her fingers trembled as she hugged her body, as James wrapped his strong arms around her in his loving embrace.

She hadn't seen the glow on Peter's face as he hid under the hood of his black cloak. Because if she had, she would have known the reason for the sudden and inexplicable terror that had engulfed her as soon as Peter Pettigrew became her Secret Keeper.


End file.
